Mercy, mercy...

back to civilization

I feel so lost within the past few days. After work I just answered my assignments and didn't bother if whether I understand my lessons. The moment I opened my books I just browse directly to the page of my exercises and browse to where I could find the answers.

Yesterday I filed my resignation letters, I submitted two. One is effective immediately and one where I have to render a 30 day notice. I don't know how long will this feeling last. This is so foreign to me. I could feel that I am in a state of rebellion right now that I want to break every law.
It has been a long time since I went online. I think I need time to stay away from wires and computers but that didn't even make me any better.

I am reading Harry Potter series right now, I am such a late bloomer and I starting to love it, but for me Lord of the Rings is still the best. I am now at the Goblet of Fire.

to make you feel my love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

***

I was listening to this song for a while now. I just so love the song. This song help me realize why most of my relationships failed. My pride is just way too much bigger than my heart. I never make the first move to make that other person feel that I am in love. What I care about is my pride. I keep on watching that I shouldn't be the first one to send the text message, I shouldn't be the first one to smile, I shouldn't be the first one to say "I love you."

I hope one day it wouldn't be the same. I hope that I would meet a person one day and I would be the first one to send a text message every day, I would be the first one to smile, I would be the first one to say "I love you" and I would say "I love you" all the time.

I just can't imagine my self doing crazy things for love. Not now. Maybe in the future. Maybe I would do crazy things, to make that other person feel my love.

those days

Last night in an effort to make my rest day productive, I watched Audrey Hepburn's Breakfast at Tiffany's. After watching the movie, I was thankful. Thankful that I wasn't born yesterday. Thankful that I was able to enjoy the movies that this generation has to offer to me. No offense to those who love Audrey Hepburn and the good old movies but I just find it weird the way how they acted in movies before. I find it OA. I just watched almost half part of it and stopped and switched to Ironman and watched it two times. I'm planning to watch it again.

I on the process of downloading a movie about Jane Austen. I haven't read a book that she wrote but I've heard she's a wonderful author and her books were classic. I bought her Pride and Prejudice and just read a few pages of it, I decided that it would be better if I just download an audio book of it. I find the book boring. I think classic is not just my type of books. But I love Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird.

I also watched Latter Days. I think it is true in some way or another, sad stories are the best. I don't know why. Even in gay movies, I prefer Love of Siam than Latter Days. I remember sad movies and in a way they found their way in my heart than movies with happy endings.

next month

I am planning to join a seminar about financial literacy. I heard a lot about the effects of recession among my colleagues. Most of them are terribly affected with the current state of the global financial climate. I can't say that I am not affected at all, but the impact is has brought to me is less compared to them. I think this is one thing that I have to be thankful of being an orphan. I have learned on how to rely on myself and to plan for my future at a young age.

I am planning to buy new stuff for my self next month. I have several plans for this month and for the month of August. I think I am pushing my self to hard this time and I so I have decided to finish Empire Falls by Richard Russo by August instead of this month.

I have this one little evil secret. I was really excited the first time I've done this. I have neighbor who has a router and is unsecured. I know its stealing and its bad but I don't know why I love doing it. So this the past few weeks I have been downloading movies and chatting courtesy of my neighbor. He is a techie guy though, I can't access his gateway but his wireless setting part is the one that is unsecured. So I guess, he has an idea that someone can connect to his network anytime and he is not against it.

I have downloaded Love of Siam and Freedom Writers. The thing that I hated watching feel good movies is the part when I become so sad. I cried a lot while watching both movies. I wish I was one of those people who can write and can change the world just by using your words. At the same time, a part of me is longing and waiting for the right time and the right person. I am waiting for that moment where I can love someone and never be afraid of losing them.

with green tea extract

I am not a heavy drinker but I can go farther compared to others. While others are snoring and drunk I can still finish one set of beer. I can't stand with heavy liquors, I don't have that much resistance but I love vodka.

I have promised to myself after what had happened the previous months that I have dated a man almost every night and some are not even just one, I decided that I have to control my night outs. But last week a friend of mine invited me for dinner, we ordered pizza and after that decided to go bar hopping. I didn't expected that we would went out. But on my mind, I guess sometimes I just need to have fun and enjoy life.

Bowdie doesn't want beer, he wants hard drinks but we decided to go for Gilbey's with green tea extract. The smell makes me dizzy. The taste is something that I couldn't understand. After a couple of bottles, I knew that it hit me but I can still manage myself. After a couple more bottles, I stared at my friend. He just looks cuter to me for every bottle that I consumed. I knew that its not just a simple admiration that I felt. Its beyond that. I fantasized him and me together in bed. I realized then that maybe that is the reason why we have been friends for a long time, two years. Well that is long for me already. Like its been two years and we still communicate with each other every now and then. I have friends when I was still young and I don't know where they are now, others can still be considered friends but we no longer have any communication.

I thought it was just the drink that makes me feel this way towards my friend but until now I still dream about him. My feelings hasn't changed. I still like him and its more than just us being friends.

breaking free

I am planning to burn to Bible, the book that was given to me by my uncle this week. I am just waiting for the right time, that very much awaited sign to show that I really have to destroy it. I have donated to the library the books that I have already read but not the Bible. I have read this book and all I found are lies. Lies that goes deeper down to the hearts of every being I met. I don't want to donate the it to the library because I don't want another person to be reading the book and later found out that it was all lies.

I have faced a lot of my fears this week. One of the greatest fears I have is failure. I am fear to fail someone, I fear of not meeting someone's expectation. Yet this week, I failed. I feel angry to myself. I don't know how I would be able to redeem myself or if I would be able to. But one thing I have noticed is, its not as bad as I thought. Hitting the bottom and hitting it hard is not as bad as I imagined. I would say that the scary feeling of failure is far worst than knowing that you already failed.

Knowing that a part of me failed makes me realized that its not the end of the world. I began to consider other options, think of the things that I have and I can say that I can still face the world. I don't know why, but I feel my strength are renewed. I feel that I have this new strength, strength that can carry me a mile, strength that I only found when those things that I treasured most are taken from me.

inheritance

I have spent my childhood living with my relatives. From my aunts, uncles and grandparents. Something that I don't want to remember but I could not forget. There is one thing that they have in common that I have noticed, the feared God. They believe that God is a loving and forgiving persona, someone who is very Holy. I used to believe that its true. I used to believe that God is loving, forgiving and someone who is powerful than Santa Claus who grants your prayers.

When I have to move to my grandparents my uncle gave me a Bible. He said that I should read it and that all that are written on it are true. But as I grew up I feel that there is a space between me and God. As I read the Bible and looked back of what happened in my life, I'd say that the Bible is lying. I read nothing but pure lies when I compared of what is written to what happened to me.

How I wish that I didn't inherit religion from them. I wish that I was given the freedom before to choose whatever religion I would like to have. Now, I have nothing but hatred towards God because what I believed about Him when I was a child. I look at him now as such a great liar. If by burning the Bible could make me forget Him I should certainly do that. I have read it several times and none of the words written are true to me. God was never true to His words to me when I read the Bible. As I live each day and words from the Bible keep running on my head, if these were the words of the one real God I promised that when I die, He can never have my soul.

the pay

I hardly feel my pay for this period. Two of my friends borrowed more than half of it. I feel so angry towards them of how they don't or they can't manage their finances. How I wish I can slap them to let them know that I also have things to buy or I just wanna save the money. I can't say no to them for they know that I have I something that I can lend. And that is without any interest and they promised to pay me back in full after two months.

I sometimes evaluate my relationship with them. I don't want to sound bad or that I am counting every favor that I have done for them but its just the truth. I couldn't remember a single event in my life that I have borrowed money from them. I don't even asked a favor from them. I sometimes think of what is the use of having them as my friends. I come to think that my life would have been stress-free without them. All that I have been hearing from them are their problems, this and that and I don't feel that they even bother about how I feel. All that they think of is that how lucky I am because I don't spend that much, of course I don't. For I don't live a life beyond my means.

I'm thinking of maybe next time I would let them borrow money but with interest this time. It would be a nice investment too. I just don't think that I have invested wisely on my friendship with them.

living for now

Some studies said that there are five stages of grief. I don't know why but I guess I have his feeling of loss from everything. From my childhood to things that are given to others and I don't have. But on the second-hand, I don't lost these things, for they have never been mine.

It has been a long time already that I have taken care of myself. I have promised to play basketball with a friend and when we checked of how much is the price to rent a court we just decided to play badminton instead. It's really funny though the life here in the city. From where I grew up, basketball is what we play if we don't have money. We just played beside the street or cheap basketball courts and I used to see those rich-born kids playing badminton and tennis. And here its the reverse thing that happens, if we don't have much money we play badminton. The world never stops to amaze me.

I went jogging last Friday morning while listening to an audio book that I have downloaded from Librivox. There are still a few best things in the world that you can enjoy for free. It was on this part when the author realized about the secret of happiness. And that is living of what is now, living for the moment and making the most out of it. Others don't live, they race. They race for reaching their dreams which are far in the horizon and then they realized one day that they are old and whether they have reach their dreams or not doesn't matter anymore. And all the feeling that was left for them is loneliness, sorrow and all those things for the time that has passed and they never enjoyed life. This part is where I stop and think. Maybe the author was right. I imagine myself that I am very successful and I have the things that I have dreamed of, and then what?

migration

I've been thinking of moving to a different place. I have been thinking that I would be fine wherever I live. I don't have a family from where I am living right now too. Its been years already since I last saw them and I don't have any plans of seeing them again. I have been thinking before of going out of the country but when I think of what happened to those people who works abroad including my relatives saddens me. I don't get much out of life and when I hear stories about them I might not have any life at all if I work abroad. It seems that their life there if just all about money. It seems that life abroad is all about work and how to earn money. I need money, lots of money but I don't want my life to revolve in just earning money.

I've been thinking of moving in the northern part or the country. I can take advantage of these BPO companies that are sprouting like mushrooms, a callcenter agent maybe. The pay is not that bad at all and I can go to school at the same time. In a place where thousands of people occupies a per mile area. Where I can live and exist as if I'm a ghost and I can live a life that I have been dreaming of, be invisible. In a place where everybody is busy trying to live their own life.

It seems that I need to have a new environment. I have been seeing the same people for a long time already. The problem with seeing the same people almost everyday is that they started to become a part of my life. I started to be attached with them. I know from experience that they won't stay forever with you and you can't be with them forever and everytime they left would take me weeks or months from my life of getting normal again. And then one day you bump into each other in some place and you don't remember this person anymore. You even forgotten the name of that person where in years ago who you have cried when that person left. Or the worst thing might have happen if you are seeing the same person each day they would try to change you into something that you are not. I experienced this before, for a few weeks everything went smoothly and then one day they asked why I am like this and why I acted like that. When you get attached to someone they would somehow take your identity, take that something in you that makes you unique from the rest. They would take every little piece that makes you unique and change you into something you're not but what the group considered as acceptable.

I am planning to move next year after I get my thirteenth month pay. That would also give me extra time to prepare and save. I was very much inspired while listening to Miley Cyrus. I thought she was right. Most events that I remembered in my life are not those times that I have eaten ice cream or drinking coffee with marshmallows while watching the rain. But those are the times of my life when I spent the night alone in the hospital because I was sick, when I have to locked myself in my room when I got German measles, those times when I watched others eat when I was so hungry, the times when others played while I have to worked in the farm.
I am so excited. I can't wait for this year to be over. I would be starting a new life. Something better than where I am right now.

father's day

Before this month ends two people that I personally knew lost their fathers. One thing that I could be thankful about my situation right now is that I am done of grieving. I can imagine if all my relatives would be dead and I don't think I can shed a single tear. I have grieved of them already. I had accepted the fact that they are already dead and gone. Either they are dead or alive doesn't matter to me anymore.

I was 18 years old when the first time that I met my father. I have so much expectation before of having a father. I used to hear stories from my classmates and children of my age before of how their father helped them in every possible way. I used to think that fathers are like superheroes with endless powers of protecting their children or someone they love. I dreamed of having one. A father that can protect me, a father than can help me achieve my dreams in life. As I grew up though I have learned to defend myself, I have learned to achieve my dreams in life alone. I can't remember how many times I have cried to God for me to meet my father. How I prayed so hard when I was still young for a father. I used to imagine that he is a rich man, powerful, strong and can defend me. I envied those children who go out fishing with their fathers or those who experienced how to be loved by a father.

When I met my father the first time, I thought that it would be a happy ending for me. Even though he was extremely late and I have managed to survive through the toughest part of my life I still need one, even up to now. When I met him all my hopes of a father vanished. He is a man of no dreams for me but for his new family. He make phone calls to his two children everyday. We didn't even talked about my school or about my financial needs. After a few years, I had the chance of seeing him with his family. They have almost everything that I have dreamed of when I was still a kid. A school with a school bus, my father plays with them, treat them to movies and provided them counsel with their decisions.

At my age right now I could say that I still needed a father, somehow I managed to survive each day. It was a year ago when my grandfather passed away too. To my grandfather, everything than I have done is wrong or did not meet his expectation. His only wished that I could think of that I was able to fulfill was when he died he said that none of us should cry. I didn't. I tried to think of events or things that we did together that I was happy that would make me miss him but there was none. I even called my friend and said that I was so sad because I don't feel any sadness with his death. I had live with my grandparents for almost more than five years. It was him who sends me to the farm every weekends and during summer vacations while children of my age play. It was because of him that I love going to school because I hated the farm so much. I hated working under the heat of the sun. But I remembered my aunts and uncles ran to him for advise even at their age. Even though they had families already the still asked advise from my grandfather.

At this time I would say that my edge of not having a father is that not missing it. One shouldn't miss what one didn't have. Also while others grieved when they lost their father I don't. While their worlds crashed when their fathers left them and they're trying to rebuild their life without their father, I on the other hand started a life from the very start without it. It must be very hard for them aside from losing their father, this is the month that father's day is celebrated. But the would managed to survive, of course, after all, their fathers taught them to be strong and they have something that I don't - memories of having a father.

that guy

I am deeply troubled these past few days. It was about this guy whom I am so attracted to. Every time I see him or think of him, I have this feeling that you just want the time to stop or spend the rest of your life together with him. I am happy every time I am with him. He is that type of guy who just light up all my circuits. But there is one thing that I have been looking for a guy that he doesn't have. He don't have any dreams in life. I don't want to settle with a guy who prefers to sit in front of a computer and plays those boring computer games. I want a guy who loves to play badminton, basketball, soccer and someone who dreams big in life. There are other guys out there but I just don't feel the same when I'm with him.

He doesn't go to school anymore. He has a job though but not stable. I asked him if he wanted to finish school or if he has some dreams of getting a better job but he seems not interested. I don't want spend my life watching life happens, I want to go out there and make life happens and that I also want in a guy. I understand why he is feeling that way but considering from where I started he has a better life than me.

I am not looking for a guy who is a millionaire or someone from a well-family. Most of them thinks that world a lot and they failed to recognized that what makes the prize worth it is the journey. I want a guy who is just within my league but someone who dreams. Someone like me who also dreams to be better each day. Someone that who I can celebrate every success of my life. I am not a career obsessed person. I love spongebob, I even like Barney. I also want to have a good laugh and enjoy life but I also have a big dream.

But I just can't understand that no matter how I tried to forget him, I just can't. There is something in him that is so special for me that I just can't explain. I don't know if this is love all I know is love isn't the only ingredient in a relationship.

my lending power

One thing that I don't like is borrowing money or something from other people. I hate to ask someone for a favor like to get coffee or something. As much as possible I avoided asking help from people. But I wonder why I am treated like a slave by other people. They are always asking for help, to do this and to do that.

There are people who are calling and texting me to borrow money. The problem is they ask me if I have some money and I don't want to lie to them. I can't say no to them. I don't have the strength to say no or to say that I need to buy something. Theirs are needs and mine are just wants. I don't want to blame them for whatever situation they have right now. But some of them just lack proper financial management. We are earning the same salary and yet they can't manage their pay to meet their needs. Their needs are somewhat too much. My wants are needs to them already. And they ran at me to let them borrow some money, some of them don't pay me back. When someone borrows money from me I don't expect that they pay me back. I already put it in my mind that its something that was lost already or something like paying to this world for letting me stay or giving me life. I consider it a payment for the air that I breath, the sunlight, the chirping of the birds and just for the reason that I live.

I always remember the words of my uncle even if I wasn't treated nicely. He said that you have to established your business first or your source of income before dreaming of those luxury cars and mansions. He said that if I am an employee I should not build a house first but instead a nice bed. Those with nice pillows and comforters since you spend most of your lifetime on your bed. Invest in the place where you regain your strength and you enjoy your dreams. But as much as possible don't spend too much time sleeping. Think of sleeping as a luxury, which I think is indeed a luxury at this time.

I just wonder why there are some people who thinks that they must have those expensive things. People who thinks that having a luxurious lifestyle is their birthright. I don't consider myself as one of them. And that I realize even when I was still young. I realize that being given the chance to live in this world is like a debt that I have to repay. Living with them makes me feel that I don't belong with them and that until now I still feel that I don't have the right to be here in this world. I just wonder why others don't feel the same as I do.

to eat

I consider eating a task rather than a privileged. I have friends that consider eating a part of their lifestyle. Something like we have to know the food that they eat and where they eat. When they talked about food I got out of place. I could not relate to what they are talking about. I know that these particular place serves great food because I heard it from them. Whenever I eat I can only tell whether the food is too sweet, sour, bitter, salty or a combination of both. It's hard for me to tell if a food is delicious or not, I can only tell whether it can be eaten or not.

I am grateful that I can buy the foods that I wanted to eat. When I was still living with my relatives I used to be the last person to eat. So whatever was left, I eat. Sometimes it was not enough for me and I always asked for when will be the time that I can buy food that I wanted to eat. You know that phrase they said "eat your heart out" something like that. And now I can buy the foods that I wanted but I don't want them anymore. Ever since I don't like eating. Every time I eat I always think of how hard it is to prepare this meal and the dishes after and so on.

Since then I always look for alternatives on how I can survive a day without eating. I used to have candies in my pocket to provide me with the energy I need everyday. I had a room mate once and he said that some marines or those people who work in the navy take some capsules that helps them from not getting hungry. How I wish that eating a meal can be reduced by just taking a pill.

dreams do come true... sometimes

Almost three years ago I had an online affair with this guy. He is goodlooking, 5'6" and 120lbs. I am very particular in terms of height and weight. I don't know why but I don't like guys who are taller than 5'7" and those who weighs more than 140lbs. We never had the chance to meet. We don't have a common day off, we don't have the time. I saved his pictures in my inbox. Suddenly our communication stopped. I don't know what happened. It just ended for no reason at all. I still kept his pictures.

Last Saturday I have to finish some works and I rushed to a nearby internet cafe. I logged in to mIRC and browse some channels. Nothing much has change. Still the same people, looking for sex, partners and some possible relationships. Then there was this guy who caught my interest. We exchange stats and then I asked for his picture. It was the same picture that is still in my inbox up to this date. It was a picture of a someone I call my dream guy. Years has passed and he still didn't have a new picture, I wondered. Anyway, we decided to meet. He ended up sleeping at my place and we watched The Sound of Music.

I can't help but smile that we were able to manage to have sex while watching The Sound of Music, I don't have any porn movies either but he didn't complain. We agreed to wake up at around eight in the morning but by the time he woke up it was already past three in the afternoon. I have to rushed since I still have to go to work. I didn't asked for his number, I only got his first name. I don't have any plans of doing it the second time with him either. What happened between the two of us is enough for me. I went to work singing Do Re Mi with a smile on my face.

shall I stop doing good?

I wonder of what is wrong with today's generation or was I just too old fashioned. It seems that if you are do a good deed today you are being ridiculed and for you to have friends you have to do something bad. I want to be recognize and I want to be different than anyone else just like what everybody wants. We all wanted to be different from the other person. We want to be unique. But sometimes we tend to be lost or either we have different interpretation of how to be different.

I just find that society has changed a lot. I feel like so much of a stranger. In the workplace, my colleagues cheer to those whose performance are so poor and they take pride of it. If someone is always late they seem to do it more often and brag about it. I feel lost when I tried to weigh things if they just want to make a difference or simply misbehaving. I don't know if these words go together.

I have friends who are in debt to the point that they are unable to pay it. They seem happy and proud of. I have a friend who was given four credit cards and she maxed them all and didn't pay it.

It seems that today if you are dumb or beyond the norms you are in. Society has been like this before. But to how far shall we push these boundaries?

stalked

I haven't updated my blog for several days. I have a co-worker who said that he and his friend have been following my blog. I can't look at him straight in the face. I asked him how he was able to get the link of my blog. He just smiled.

This is the only place where I have been real to myself. I have never been this real to anyone except to this blog. I want to keep this blog private but I want an audience. I have been seeking for attention. I craved to be appreciated, to be loved. I craved for things that I can't bluntly tell the world that I want these things.

I can't be that honest to someone. I can't be so honest to myself. There are things that I wanted that I am ashamed of for wanting them. These are desires that I try to hide.

feels like heaven

I keep on wondering before of where is heaven when I was young. Until now I still wonder of where is heaven. There are events in my life that I somehow lifter my spirit up and makes me wonder if I were in heaven already.

Some of those I can still remember just like this one. After seeing this video I wonder if whether I am in heaven already.

It has been years already since I first saw this video. Even though the feeling is still there like the first time I saw it. It brings back the memories when I was still in high school.

Upgrade!

Finally I have my facebook account. Amazing! I am so proud of myself. I have my own farm town too. I am still learning about it. Most of my colleagues here are addicted to it and so I have created an account too. When I was chatting with this guy a week ago he asked me if I have farmtown and I didn't have a single clue what he was talking about.

I feel so ancient and so lost that I haven't even opened my friendster account. And now its time for me to upgrade and be "in." I am planning to learn online gaming too next week if I still have time. Gawd. I don't know how I can fit in all of these things. I have to learn Spanish this time and still has a book to finish and work and farmtown.

Anyway most of the guys that I met are online gamers. They always talked about the games that they played online and I don't have any idea it. I'm gonna be busy harvesting my goods. Is anyone here addicted with facebook?

culture

My professor said that culture is a redefined taste. My friend wiki said that it is commonly used in three basic sense and one of them is excellence in taste of fine arts and humanities. If I were to evaluate myself I couldn't say that I have an excellence in taste of fine arts. I just remembered my plans in life yesterday that I have long forgotten to improve myself. I still haven't finished reading Jane Hamilton's The Short History of A Prince. I promised to myself that I am going to listen to Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart and Tsaichovsky. But everytime I went to buy one and I look at the price I decided that I will just have to download their it on the internet but I haven't done that either.

I love listening to the Lisa Gerrard which my friend laughed when they learned about it. I find her music very wonderful like dieties in the midnight from some kind of a fairy tale offering great comfort.

I wanted to learn how to make paintings like Picasso but everytime I look at his paintings I couldn't understand. I am pretty sure that I get bored if I go to a museum. The photos of Ian Veneracion and Michael Vartan are far more interesting to me compared to the Mona Lisa. But I still dream that one day I can look at a painting and I would be able to understand it. I dream that I can look into a painting one day and I can feel the drama, the thought and the meaning behind it. I just don't know how to do it and where to start when I find them uninteresting and boring. I still dream that I would be able to learn how to paint and draw. I will find a lover then of same interest. We would to the beach and capture the sunset and the sunrise and make love.

I also want to learn how to play musical instruments. Like the guitar and the piano. I want to learn how to play the piano far more beautiful than Maksim, be able to play the violin with far excellence compared to Vannessa Mae. How I wish that I could play Giuseppe Tartini's Devil Trill without those cramps.

How I wish I have this thing they called high culture.

wise men says

In the game of love shall we listen to the wise men who said that "only fools rush in" or to David Pomeranz? I am still in doubt if I have to believe the wise men when the words of David sounds more convincing to me. "Pity those who wait, trust in love to faith, finding out too late that they've lost it."

I am not pretty sure if I can go slow when I'm in love. With my heart pumping so fast than its usual pace. With all the excitement I feel within. I just don't know how to slow down. I am not pretty sure is he is the right guy already, but is the Mr. right now. I can't even tell if I'm in love. How will I know if I am in love anyway?

People said that you can't write anything about love when you are in love. There is something mysterious about it that can't be explain. All that is in your head is that someone that you love.

I am just confused right now if I should believe with the wise men. But what if I take it slow and then I lost it? I believe that time can change our feelings and that includes love. Its either time can make it stronger or makes it weak until you just wake up one day and its gone. You wake up one day and come to realize if you have wasted that time or not.

Gaydar

My gaydar is totally wrecked. I don't know what is wrong with it but its not working anymore. How I wish I could fix it by just turning some knobs or pulling my hair but it won't.

Let me tell why I have this dilemma and please do help me figure out if this guy is gay or not. So, here's this guy, a straight acting guy. He was part of a cheer leading team, he smokes, drinks a lot and I don't think he plays basketball. I am not even pretty sure if he can defeat me if we play basketball, he's taller than me. He knows who is the boyfriend of that some gay colleague, he loves Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Natasha Bedingfield but he hates Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. He loves to wear tight clothes or are those what you call body fit? I think those are body fit, I'm not sure. He doesn't have a girlfriend but his hot.

He said that he don't have my number, fine, I believe him. I was just shocked one day when he called me and I asked him what he wanted and he keep on talking about things which are totally nonsense. Then I asked him again and he said that he wants to borrow money from me and when I asked how much I become more suspicious, it was for Php 100.00. Who is in the right mind would call someone and spends a lot on cellphone credits/load just to borrow Php100.00? I might be insane but I am not gonna do such a thing. I can just send a text message. Then he paid me the next day. Hmmm.

Then today I received a message from him that he was bored and he was watching some kind of a movie and asking me if I want to join him. I think his going crazy. I don't know why. I see him as a guy who is confused of something. I think he wants to say something to me but he just can't. I asked him and his housemate and he doesn't have any idea either. His housemate mentioned though that he keeps on talking about my name. I asked about what and he didn't answer any further.

I am confused if he is gay or not. I want to asked him directly but surely he would say no. His hot and is a nice person. Do you think his gay?

I missed the guy

I slept with someone last night. He is a serious kind of guy. He is cute, lean and the height is just average. Though I didn't feel any spark. I thought it was just in movies that you want to sleep with someone that would light all your circuits. It was just a one night stand but I still love it if there was a spark.

I miss the guy that I hooked up with last week. I want to send him a message but I am scared or maybe ashamed or maybe its my pride. I don't know. I just don't want to go after him and tell him that I like him. It was just supposed to be a no-strings-attached affair and I don't know what is this that I am feeling. He was great of course, the sex part was good, we have tried several positions. I just love it.

Was there a point in your life when you have a one night stand with someone and then you still think about that person after several days already? I couldn't even figure out if this is love or just pure lust that I am feeling towards him. I checked his friendster almost every time. I keep on thinking of what he is doing right now.

Money, money, money!

I have decided to get just a one day off for this week. From what had happened last week I look forward on my day off for this week. However, I have decided just to get a one day off for this week and spend the rest working.

School is about to begin and I have to save money for my tuition fees. I am thinking of other ways to earn money. I am planning to start a business and I just don't know what kind of business to start. I've been thinking a lot about how to earn money these days. I planned to join a mutual fund but a friend advised me about the risk of mutual funds so I might just have a time deposit. It would earn some interest too and the rate is higher compared to regular deposits and its safer. But if I don't take the risk then I won't earn much too but I am just new about and I still have to learn a lot.

I am planning to invest just a few parts of my savings into a mutual fund this would help me learn about the trade too. I still consider experience as a great teacher.

state of confusion

I don't know why life is doing this to me. I am in a situation right now where in every decision would greatly impact my life. I am in this state where in whatever my decisions would be will greatly affect my life and it might take years to heal the wounds if I didn't make the right choice. But I love being in this situation. I mean I feel that I am someone important to other people too. That kind of feeling that you have a problem yet you are happy because you have this kind of problem. I am also confused if this is a problem or the solution itself.

I received a phone call yesterday from my colleague who is Pup's housemate. I have moved on already, I think. I don't have any feelings towards him anymore and I was thankful that I was able to forget that feeling. It took me a month to get over with him. A month before I could say that I am ready and that I have moved on. When things are going smoothly in my life then he comes in again. We never text each other for a month and I still haven't received any text from him. Yesterday when I answered the phone since I have deleted his number and his house mate's number I have to asked of who was the caller. It was my housemate first then he gave the phone to Pup. I don't know what it is that he really wanted but we just talked about things. I never bother asking him if I hurt when with my last text and if that was the reason why the our communication stop. I don't have the courage to ask him that question. I don't have the courage to admit to myself that the reason why we never made it is because of me.

As far as I can remember I loved him. I also wanted him to be my boyfriend but I can't accept to myself that I loved him. I hate to admit to people that I love this guy. After a month when our communication with each other was cut and I had moved on was when he was trying to reach out again. I am confused if I would respond to this inner desire of mine or to continue living life now that I have move on. I don't know if I would get hurt again or if I would feel the same. I am just scared right now to welcome him back in my life now that I have learned already on how to live it without him. I should be sad with this but I feel happy. I feel that I am still part of his life and that he still wants to continue what we have started.

The last time I remember that I was really important to someone and that he loved me was when I don't want to answer any phone calls and my phone read 96 missed calls in just one day. It was all from the same guy and he was trying to reach me. I feel so stupid right now of not answering his calls, of letting him go. And now here it comes again. And now I am back on almost the same situation again. I am scared of what will be my decision and its outcome.

walls within us

This is what I observed when two PLU's meet on the street or a place where there are straight people around - we never talked. No smile, no nod, nothing. Yet we cry for unity, we long for friends or a lover, a partner in life, yet we can't dare show it in public. We can't show that we are alone and are afraid to reveal the real us within. I am guilty of this too. I walked out in the street pretending that I am happy, that I am like a steel yet I cried at night for I am alone. I pretended that I can stand alone. That I don't need a man, I don't need someone in life yet it is what I long for and what I have been dreaming almost everyday.

I would always observed this even if two effeminate gays would be in one place that they would seldom smile to each other or not smile at all. Sometimes they often even quarrel in public. Even if its for those who are discreet, they seem to show that they hated each other.

This might me part of our culture that we seldom smile to each other. It has never been our custom to smile to strangers. We Filipinos take pride for being hospitable but we are not friendly. I think the root of our poverty is not corruption. Corruption is the fruit of our evil desires to be better than anyone else. We want to have friends in high places, yet when they become far better than us, we betray them.

choices

I don't feel sad today or lonely. I am thinking that it must be because of my recent sexcapades. I feel that its benefits far exceeds of what green tea can offer or a dark chocolate. It really feels nice that someone appreciates your body. It must be a craving within myself that I am trying to deny. I am trying to repress or control. Maybe it was because of how others look at same sex or homosexual activity that made me think that its not good. Sometimes your moral standards are affected by your environment and all the people that surrounds you. After having that experience that I didn't care what other people say, I just did it.

After doing it, I didn't feel guilty though. I feel that I am more in control of myself. I feel that being happy is my sole responsibility. That anytime I can laugh, cry or have sex and I don't care what others would say. People may judge my actions as immoral, insane or others say that my soul is going to be burn in hell, I don't care. And besides, if people like them is the one that I will meet in heaven, hell must be better than heaven. If they believe that following the morals of the society can save their soul then why are they here? Why don't they just go to heaven then and live there and leave this place? I can't imagine that heaven is full of those hypocrites. Full of people acting that they are clean and holy. People believing that following the what was written in the Bible is far better than following your own happiness. I have read the Bible several times, its like reading a story about the Holocaust. It has no idea about human suffering, the craving of every human beings.

Sometimes I am thinking that these cravings might be the demons inside my body. Demons that are trying to possess and control myself. For me both choices can be right and wrong at times, depending on how I look at it. Sometimes I am confuse of which is to believe or which choice shall I make. I am sometimes confuse if whether I have to give in and find happiness or to control it and declare myself victorious for not giving in.

ouch!

I did guys, I'm sorry. I got stinky, wet and dirty. I met this guy who is 5'6" in height and about 125 lbs, not bad. He is a masseur, cute and a skater boy body type. Not really those skinny skater boys but try to imagine a skinny skater boy going to the gym. He is 20 years old but I am not pretty sure, I guess 21. Anyway he said that its not gonna be painful. He looks so convincing and I am so horny at that time that I said "yes." This would be like the fourth guy for two tonight in a row. But of course this would be the second guy in my attempt to have this doggie style. I forgot his name.

The moment he get in was really very painful. He paused for a minute and said that the pain will soon disappear, I waited. The moment he tried to move again I can really feel the pain. It was really so painful that I sweat a lot. I thought before that being a woman is so easy because you just have to lie down and spread your legs but it wasn't. For me, it became more of a duty than pleasure. I didn't even feel any pleasure at all while we were doing it.

We used a lot of lubricants, which I could say is far more effective than a 1000mg of mefenamic acid against pain during that time. I would even say that its far more effective than Alaxan against pain. During that time I would say that condom should in included in the worlds top 10 best inventions.

watta wikend

I hope this week would be over soon. This week is such a disaster. I have dated a guy at a wrong place at a wrong time. I couldn't say that I have made a very strong impression at him. How I wish I can turn back time and correct the mistakes I've made. Anyway, I have learned a lot of things this week.

First, I have learned that being a bottom takes more than courage than being top. I hookep up with this guy who is 21 years of age. I don't want to hook up with someone older than me, I have heard a lot of comments here than being bottom takes a lot of courage. It does, let me tell you. First is the unbearable pain. Gawd. I felt so sorry with that guy. We didn't even made it. The moment he was about to get in, I can't bear with the pain, its like I have a constipation or something. It was like the first time I have felt a pain like that. Not a wonderful feeling though. When I gave him my first ever oral, he said that I didn't know how to do it. Gawd. What a comment. I don't know what he had said such a word that I don't know how to give an oral. Anyway I saw on his face that he was somewhat in pain while I was doing it. I just wonder why I didnt feel the same when others do it to me. I just love it when they do it and why is it that I can't feel the same?

Second, dining etiquette. I have dated another guy this week. I felt awkward while eating. I can't even remember which hand is supposed to hold the knife and the fork. It was not a fine dining though but if someone is there, it was such a disaster. I don't know if I have made a good impression but I haven't heard from him after that.

Third. I have this another guy (yes, another guy!) and we went to this comedy bar. I didn't have much fun. He has to go home early. Gawd.

Whatta week. I was almost there with this cute guy and I fucked it up. I was almost there with this nice guy and having dinner and I fucked it up. I was there with this guy and I didn't even know the word "fun."

Nuclear Power Plant

"Should the Bataan Nuclear Power Plant be recommissioned?," asked Solita Monsod. I have a subject before in college, it was all about statistics. There is a marginal error for every study, is all that I can remember. Even though, a lot of people depends on statistics. Statistics can guide us in order to prevent or avoid common errors. From businessmen to politicians before they make decisions they have to look carefully into the data provided to them to make sure that they result of their actions are favorable.

If we are going to compare the rate of electricity that we are paying to other countries ours is a little bit high. Statistics can show that. I am not sure if the media is still talking about this issue today. I watched this video way back in March, I think. While Greenpeace prepare for a rally and others don't care. After watching the video my stand about the issue has changed. I think I should have do more research before I take my stand about this issue.

This is the some of the information I get while watching the video of Prof. Solita Monsod.

1.) BNPP may produce Php2.50/kwh vs. Napocor's Php4.50/kwh.

2.) The nearest active fault from BNPP is 65 km away and the safest distance should be 5 km.

3.) The distance from the nearest volcano should be at least 6 times the height of the volcano and that is Mt. Natib with a height of 1253 meters, multiplied by 6 is 7 kilometers and BNPP is 13km away.

4.) Japan has 55 operating nuclear plants and 2 plants under construction and 11 plants in advance stages. France is another example too, it is where Germany and some other European countries get their power supply.

5.) Global safety of nuclear power plants:

accidents between 1970 - 1992:

a. coal = 6400 workers

b. natural gas = 1200 workers and public

c. hydro = 4,000 public

d. nuclear = 31 workers

She added that there have been 2 major accidents to nuclear power plants in 32 countries. In 1979 the Three Mile Island no casualties and Chernobyl which is found in the soviet bloc.

In my opinion, we have spent for this plant already. Years before I was born and someone of us are born, we are already paying for this. The government completed paying for this project in April 2007, source is wikipedia. As long as the plant passes the safety standards I am not against its operation, just like Prof. Solita Monsod.

I don't know, I'm not really an expert about this issue. But I'd rather look into the figures and stats rather than take counsel on my fears.

link for the video can be found at :

http://www.alternat1ve.com/biofuel/2009/03/24/solita-monsods-analysis-of-the-bataan-nuclear-power/

day off!

Just a few more hours and I'll be out from here. I am planning to head somewhere in the south tomorrow. I have read in an online forum about a sort of a resort somewhere in the south which is just about two hours from the city. I am planning to spend the night there. Hopefully this would help clear my mind. I don't know if this would really help me, but I am hoping that it will.

It seems that I am tired of the routine that I have been doing almost everyday. Work, home, school, work and home. I can't even figure out what direction is my life heading to. I feel that I wanted something, yet I don't know what it is. Maybe I know what it is, I just don't want to admit. Maybe because of pride or my insecurities. I don't want to accept that I love this guy and I let him go. And I go out into the world and let pretended that I am happy that it is easy for me to find another one. What they didn't know is that I cried almost everyday. I cried because he was able to moved on and I was left. I cried because I wasn't able to tell him how much I love him. I don't know if I am grieving right now for this loss.

I am planning to buy a jar, just like what I saw on movies. You are going to write down everything that you wish to forget then you either burn them or bury them. I hope this would help me for this declaration that I am willing to move on and that I have to. I don't want to be stuck in here forever. When I search within myself asking what is it that I really long for, I couldn't figure it out. I don't know what is it that I wanted. Attention, love, money, or simply a feeling of contentment of what I have. I don't exactly know right now.

I want this feeling to be over. This feeling which I know that this has been inside me even before I met this guy. This feeling that I wanted to be love by someone and be appreciated. A feeling so ancient within myself yet remained a mystery and unresolved.

fast lane

Every time I want to do something, I want them done as fast as I can. I dream of things and I want to have them without a length of time waiting. I always wanted to achieve things fast.

If I compare what I have achieved in life with my colleagues, my achievements is nothing compared to theirs. They have done great things as how I see it. It seems that they have overtaken me. I feel that they are so distant from where I am.

I want them to stay with me. Stay with me, where I am, and achieve things together. However, they have achieve things before I even knew it. I feel like I am stranded, unable to move and is so distant from the others. I felt envious of how fast they have moved. They have already finished their Bachelor degrees while I am still studying and stuck. Others have their new boyfriends already and I am still alone.

It sounds selfish but how I wish they never achieved those things in life. How I wish that they are still where I am at. I feel so alone and so little about myself. I know that its not good to compare myself to others but I can't help it. When I look into the mirror, I can see my self as a failure.

Mum

I've heard a lot of stories from people about their mother and today it seems that the number of people has been doubled. Stories of how good their mother was to them. I felt sad while hearing their stories. Sad and envious. Sometimes it even made me furious of why they have such wonderful mothers that guided them when they grow up, someone that has helped them in many other ways.

Until now I still have doubts of whether the person I knew as my mother is really my real mother. I have known stories and seen them of how mothers love their children which I haven't experienced. The only time, I remember that I was happy together with my mother was when we are on our way to our farm. She said that we will have a race of who runs faster. I ran so fast with all my might. It was one of the things that I can remember that I was happy with mother. It was the time that I felt that I am her son. I have to stop running at that time because my feet were tired and I have exhausted all my strength. I was laughing, we were laughing. How I wish I had more strength at that time so that I can stretch that moment in my life when I was happy with my mother. How I wish I had the strength to keep on running and be with her. But I can't, she left me.

I have managed to face life without a mother for several years now but I still wish that I can turn back time and live another life with a mother. They said that one shouldn't miss one that never had. But I miss having a mother even if I had that experienced for a short time only, I still want to have one. I don't know if I would have a life like this if I had a mother. Someone that will help me make wiser decisions.

Happy Mother's Day

A mother's love to some is considered to be the greatest love of all. Mothers are amazing persons to others. They can are amazing in making mostly all things portable. They can even bring the entire house if they want to. Our church pastor believe that every mother should be respected by their children. That was the last sermon in that church that I can remember. After that I decided of not going back there. I believe that respect is earned and is never demanded. Earning respect is not just giving birth to a child.

Tomorrow is a day that most people would send gifts and love to their mothers. I don't have any plans of doing that. When we had a conversation over the phone, I called to check for my grandmother and she was the one who answer it. She said that it was a good thing that I was still able to remember her. How could I forget her? After all the reason why I am here and all the pains that I am carrying now is because of her.

I hope this entry would reach to the mothers around the world. A few of them maybe, that is good enough. They have played a great role in this world. Tomorrow is a day dedicated to these wonderful people. This is for all the mothers who have abandoned their children. For all the mothers who had broken a lot of homes. To all the mothers who has brought pain, suffering and war to this world. Tomorrow is a day dedicated to them. I hope they'll like it.

I just wonder how these people can look straight into the eyes of their children. Haven't they known that they are part and somehow could be the reason why children suffer?

new tenant

I am almost done transferring my things to my new place. I felt sad that I am going to leave this place but due to financial reasons, I have to. I would surely miss my friendly neighbors who are always there to prepare for my food, McDonalds and Jollibee. I will surely miss them. Anyway, I have planned to sleep for the last time in my old place. As I opened the room, the familiar scent filled my nostrils. I don't really like the smell of the room at first but later on I get used to it. I wonder who will be the new tenant in this place. I decided to wrote a letter, just like in the movie Lakehouse.

My letter needs a lot of editing, I supposed. Please help me to correct it. I have placed a written one already but I am planning of changing it. What if the next tenant is an English teacher? He might file a lawsuit or my letter can be used as a bad example in class. I'm having nightmares, just thinking about it.

Below is my letter.

Dear new tenant,

Hi there, welcome to your new place. I wish I could be the first one to welcome you and not the foul smell of the room but I can't. I hope you like this place. I didn't like it here at first. The foul smell, the rats, cockroaches and the room itself. But the place has a very strategic location from where I work and from my school too. If you are working at night and is usually sleeping by day you'll find great comfort in this room. Try turning off the lights and you'll be blinded by its total darkness. Aside from being dark the room is cold too. It is comfortable to sleep at noon even without an air conditioner or a fan. When it rains outside, you would hardly notice it.

I have left some of the magazines and a book for you to read. I place them on top of the closet together with this letter because the owner might get them. I seldom lock my doors yet nothing was stolen from me during my entire stay here. I don't know the names of the lodgers here, but the place is safe. The guy next to this room is a nursing student, the one in front of you is a girl with her boyfriend. As I leave the place the room before this is empty, the previous boarder left because the got laid-off from her job due to recession. I hardly talked to them, just a "hi" and "hello" sometimes. I don't even know their names, not even one of them. I have stayed here for a year. Most of the boarders here are nursing student, are you?

There is a library just near here, I used to go there when I don't have work. Most of the novels and books that I completed reading are there, I donated them there. There is a dunkin donuts here too, its open 24 hours and I used to study there at night. If you are looking for a laundry shop, there is a cheap I know. Just cross the street of the coffee shop then you'll find a pharmacy, turn left when you reach the next block, their rate is P28.00/kilo others are P30.00/kilo. There is a near water station here too where you can buy cheaper water to drink. They're selling it for P15.00 for a six liter container but if you befriend the attendant he'll give it to you for only P10.00.

Jollibee and McDonals are friendly neighbors. That is one great thing about this place. As long as you have the money, you'll never go hungry. That can serve as your motivation too, to work hard or even harder.

You might be wondering why I am writing this letter to you. You are right, I have seen it from Lake house starring Keannu Reeves. Is it true that he is gay? They said he is. If you happen to be a boy, I am free during Wednesday and Thursday. I go drinking sometimes. There is a bar just right across here, I go there sometimes, alone. If you are a girl, send my regards to your boyfriend or to your brother. But if you think you are a beautiful girl, I can go straight for you. I am not good looking but I have good taste for girls. So if we hit the bed it means that you are indeed beautiful, if not, then its all hearsay. Don't believe them or even your mother.

If you don't like the magazines and the book, please don't throw them away. Just keep it where it is, if you can. The next tenant might find it useful.

xoxo,
the previous tenant.

when the river run dry

Happiness is...

HAPPINESS is like a crystal,
Fair and exquisite and clear,
Broken in a million pieces,
Shattered, scattered far and near.
Now and then along life’s pathway,
Lo! some shining fragments fall;
But there are so many pieces
No one ever finds them all.

You may find a bit of beauty,
Or an honest share of wealth,
While another just beside you
Gathers honor, love or health.
Vain to choose or grasp unduly,
Broken is the perfect ball;
And there are so many pieces
No one ever finds them all.
Yet the wise as on they journey
Treasure every fragment clear,
Fit them as they may together,
Imaging the shattered sphere,
Learning ever to be thankful,
Though their share of it is small;
For it has so many pieces
No one ever finds them all.

PRISCILLA LEONARD

As I read this poem I came to wonder of what makes me happy. I sometimes asked myself if I wanted to be happy. I imagine happiness not as a crystal ball like Priscilla Leonard wrote about it but a river. A river that soon would run dry, a river that you don't know if drinking its water may soon poison your body or quench your thirst. Just like some rivers they are not clean and dirty, some offer cold water and can bring refreshment.

I have known other people who are scared of happiness too. Its not only me who is afraid of it then, I thought. Most of us have the same reason, after happiness usually comes sorrow. Every time there is something good that comes into my life, I tried to imagine something sad so that I cannot fully give in of what happiness offers. I sometimes is so scared that thinking that what will be the price that I have to pay for this kind of happiness. I believe that mostly everything has its price. What if that happiness is not for me and is meant for someone? What if I claimed something that is not mine? Or what if I get used to being happy and sooner the river run dry and has nothing left?

How gross!

I once asked myself if I am a normal person or not. I am confused. I sometimes asked them if they feel the same way and their answers are almost the same and mine is totally different. Just for example, I asked them if they have a crush towards their cousins or any member of the family. They said that they don't. I do. I mean not just like a sort of admiration, not just like how I feel towards Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Madonna. Something more than that. Something like how I feel towards Ian Veneracion, Daniel Radcliffe and those hunks in Hollywood, something like that. I dream that I can be with them in bed and make love to them. They don't think that this is normal, me too, I guess. I can't really say that this is not right. Well, I know that some people are not open about the idea or marriage within the family. I have a first degree cousin who got married to our second or third degree cousin, I am not sure. The marriage caused a stir in our little barangay. I know that not all people are open about this kind of thing. But I am. I guess because I like my cousins. I am not a good looking person and so are they.

I am free today. No work. I want to spend my entire day inside my room and just read some books. I joined in a chatroom and someone posted this video. I can't find the right words to describe if this is gross, insane or something. But I find the video disgusting. Its like I want to throw up. I want to commit suicide but definitely not this way. Not this kind of thing. I just want to puke right now. For those of who are interested this is the link http://www.1guy1cup.net . This video is not for the faint hearted. Gawd.

greatest love of all

I am scared to have a relationship. I don't like having commitments and my actions are guarded. I dream of having a boyfriend but when I think about the responsibilities and the commitments that you have to make, the idea of having one dies. I dream of being with someone, spending my live with that very special person. Waking up in bed together, dining out together. But how hard it is to find that person. Ever since, almost every time I went out with friends, I dream that I am with someone, someone that I dearly love. Almost everyday in my life has been dedicated of finding that someone to love.

There are days in my life when I am about to have a relationship. But I ran away from it when I learned the things that would be taken from me. I never have though of it that finding someone that you love would also mean that there are things that would be taken away from you. Several things. When I am in love with someone I felt that my actions were guarded, that I have to act my very best every time. I feel my moves are being watched every time.

It was just like days ago when I finally get free from my feelings with this person. I love the freedom. I don't know if other people feel the same way if the are in love or having a crush with someone. Its like I am unable to move freely. When I am in love of having a crush with someone, I dream to be with that person for about a week. After that I would try to look for something bad in him that could help me free myself from that feeling. I can't understand myself sometimes. I have been looking for love and when it comes my way I don't like it anymore. I am scared. I see love as a shackles. Its like a wall. Making me unable to move freely.

I love to watch this kind of movie for example yet I am afraid to tell him, he might not like it. I am afraid that I don't look cute and cuddly to him anymore. I wonder if it is love that I am scared of or I am just insecure.

I do not have a relationship with someone, right now. I don't know when I would have another one. I hope not yet. I don't think I am that prepared. I have been single for a long time that I adapted to it already. I am comfortable with my current status and I am afraid that if I am with someone I have to give up this comfort that I am feeling now. I don't think that love is worth it to be in exchanged for my comfort zone. Or that person is worth it in exchange. I am thinking that I have found love and that is loving myself. That could be the reason why sometimes I wish to die because I pitied my body so much or I love myself too much that I don't want to experience another pain. I want myself to live a life without any restrictions.

mothballs

The sky is clear here today from where I live. I get out of my room early to catch some sunshine. I felt so good as it gently touches my skin. As I passed by the row of houses, I smelled a faintest scent of mothballs in the air which reminds me of my grandparents house. I let my thoughts wallow with some memories that I can remember about that house. I imagined myself like I was in the middle of a lake fishing out words or memories that can help me remember the things I have done while I stayed there. I love the scent of that house, a mix of mothballs and some cheap perfume that smells like alcohol.

While remembering this, I want to go back to my room and curl up in bed. I just want to remember the things back of what I have done when I stayed in that house. I want to relive those things that had happened in my life. I feel like I wanted to reply my life when I was there. My memories of that house are mostly bad but I still miss that house. It is where I stayed and slept and felt the comfort of a home. That house served as my refuge when I don't want to go to the farm and pretended that I was sick. It is where I also spent most of my childhood mostly I stayed inside my room while children of my age were playing outside. I felt secured in that house. I felt that everything I need is just in there and that I don't have to get out, that I can live for a year or spend my entire life inside without going out. I used to think that it was the only place where I am the boss, I used to think that I am the owner of the place when I was still young.

I sometimes wants to buy mothballs and place them in my room and then sprinkle a bottle of alcohol. I sometimes wants to do that. I sometimes wants to be a child again, hide in the closet. I sometimes wish that I don't have to get out and everything I need is just inside my room or a house that I can call my own.

Summer, Interrupted

Since the day I was born, I have never been outside the country. I don't know how other people live their lives in another countries. Funny though I still couldn't understand much about this place. When I was in elementary my teacher told us that we have to season, dry and wet. I didn't fully understand it when I was, well even up to this date. When it rains then I would think that this is the rainy or wet season and after a few weeks of no rain then it is dry season. I never had an idea that it would take months for seasons to change until I reached grade six, that was when I have a subject about geography, I think. And so I learned that mostly it the country experiences severe rains during the month of June than any other months, that is according to books that I have read. I don't know if that was correct or not. I am not yet convince about what I have read.

When I was still young and working in my grandfather's farm, I remembered that time in May. My father is a strong believer about the "first" things. Like he said that he keep his first salary and didn't spend, his first shoe and everything. I wonder this might be the reason why he didn't in me, I have never been part of the "first." Like being first in the class or being first to learn and discover things. It's either I'm in the middle or the last. Sometimes I just watch as others breezed past. It was in May when he told me about taking a bath for the first rain in May. He said that it can cure illnesses and is healthy to the body. But after working that noon under the scorching heat of the sun, I doubt it can. People said that its not good if you take a bath after you are exposed to the heat of the sun for a long time. I used to believed in that. I noticed then that it never rained in that year for the whole month of April maybe that is where the author of the book that I have read based his or her opinion. I am pretty sure if the author of that book is alive today that he would edit the book. A lot has change, including the weather. I couldn't understand the weather of this country anymore.

I used to believe before that we only have to season in this country, its either hot or hotter. Now, it has changed. Like for the month of April this year for example, I couldn't count how many times it rained. It's like the June now, I would say. Even now it seems that the sky is always dark and is ready to pour waters any minute. If this is what they call the effects of global warming then I am dumber than I thought. I thought that global warming is about El Nino, drought, no rains for months until soil would crack. I watched Al Gore's video. It was about global warming. It features melted glaciers, lakes are now almost dry, it speaks of one thing - no water. But why is it that it almost rain here everyday? Are we still part of Earth? Do they include us in their study about global warming? I am so ignorant about these things.

I love mother nature, of course. But as what I have posted previously, I care more about humans. I didn't see anything bad about earth hour and movements to save the world. But if I were to choose between GreenPeace or visiting the orphanage, I would rather spend my time in the orphanage.

I haven't enjoyed much of my summer yet and it has ended already. It ended even before I noticed it. It ended without warning. Like watching a pirated dvd and in the middle part of the movie it suddenly stops. Its like reading a novel then in the climax of the story you notice that there are missing pages. Summer just ended too soon, without me saying proper good bye.

Blog!

I am back after a few days that I was like in a prolonged death status. Gosh, I have to read several blogs. I can't believe it, I have to read like 365 entries. I have been following several blogs. Some of them are about travel and such and such. It keeps me a live, knowing that there are other people out there trying to live too, and they are trying hard. Anyway after reading all this blogs its time too to sort out the mess that I have left. No wonder why people who are about to die usually clean their rooms and their house just in case they won't die yet they won't be spending the rest of their life cleaning it which basically is the error I have made. I didn't clean my room, so I have to clean it now.

I went to my school too to take my post test exam for Filipino. Gawd, why is it that I have to learn Tagalog when I am living in this geographical location where in this language is hated or only a few is using it? How ironic. I would say that it is Filipino because there are letters that were added and is different from Tagalog but the way I look at this language its just like those dresses that were made by designers and you just add something or change it then you would say that it is custom made, just like that. One reason why I don't like this subject is that I am not really good at it, not that I am good in other subjects anyway but I am not really good into this one.

I just realized today how wonderful blogging is. You can find your audience, people that will read your thoughts, criticize you and can even become your friends. I once posted my wish of exchanging emails with someone that would be able to help me correct my grammar. I realized that I don't even need to do that because I can just compose something like an email for everybody. True indeed that we don't have to go out and look for opportunity but to realize it when it shows. I am thankful since I am to find friends, well not that close but I know we are all working on it to know each and everyone here little by little.

breathing again

I have just proven how bad I am that even the gates of death wouldn't open for me, that bad. I just thought I was about to confront God and I was ready to spit on His but it was not Him, to my disappointment. If I was the dumbest person living on Earth today then next in my life would be my doctor. I just couldn't imagine that some of them spent years to study diseases and about the human body when her findings about my endless vomiting is a viral infection. Gawd! What is the use of those instruments and needless pricking that they have done if they couldn't figure out properly what has happened? Anyway I just found out that it is never good to die if I make a mess or my body makes a mess. I remembered that when I was vomiting already that they even shouted at me to clean up my mess. What if I have use a knife to cut the vein in my neck or to cut my wrist? Would they also let me clean it after I was declared dead? Amazing.

Anyway, I have to live life and no more Whitney Houston or Celine Dion music for the mean time and no more Gregorian and Enya. I have to live with Lady Gaga and Britney Spears for one week and hope it would make a difference. I also decided to stop reading autobiographies for the mean time, they make feel more sad. I don't know why even though I read about the life of people who are famous and is a source of inspiration to others I am saddened while reading about their lives.

I am still into Greek Mythology and I am about to finish reading about the Iliad but since this a new month, I have to start reading into a new book. I am hoping to read Norman Mailer's Ancient Evenings but after reading a few pages my low IQ could not comprehend what he is trying to say. I know it was about a mummy but the names are so hard for me to pronounce and I couldn't even remember them. And so I settled for Jane Hamilton's The Short History of a Prince. I like the synopsis it says... a story about a boy. Hmm, interesting. I should read more often about them.

To You

I just don't know if this is true or not or whether You are real or not. I have read and statistics show that you have millions of followers and all saying that You are good, understanding, powerful, the creator of everything. I have been asking prayers to You eversince, I can't recall one of them answered. They are things not for me, I know but for Your children that you dearly loved, I know I am not one of them. I envy how You take care of your people and how much You love them. I wish I was one of them but I could never be. And I don't want to claim that I am Your child and worthy of Your love for time will come that You will repudiate my claim. I have been living with Your people and I can say that You are a loving Father to them, they are well taken care of.

I have asked things from You before, I couldn't the nights that I've cried for You to hear my prayers but you remain silent, I can say that You might be busy taking care of Your people. It may take days for you to read this letter of mine for You but I would be glad if You can spend a few minutes of Your time to read my letter and answer my request. You might not have any idea of how hard it is to living with my relatives but it is very hard let me tell You. There hasn't been a single day that I didn't wish not to be born. But of course my relatives are Your children and they need a slave, they need someone to work for them and sleep at one in the morning and wake up at five. They need a slave who would take care of them, remind them of their medicines to take, take care of their children, answer their assignments, cook for them, clean their house, wash their clothes and work for their farms. You may not be please with how I served Your children but I did all the best that I can do. Your children have thrown mud, stone, words that pierced my hear and every inch of my body hated them so much and I know that I should not feel that way. I know that Your children have the right to treat me the way they want me to but I can't help it and for that I ask for Your forgiveness.

Do You still remember that night that I asked You for a challenge and You didn't answer? I guess You are busy at that night for until now I haven't heard from it or this might be the answer already. I admit and surrender. I am so scared to face another day. I barely finish this day but I did and I am so scared to face another day. I am scared of Your power. I can never be Your child that I know, I can never be to the place that You have prepared for Your children that is certain. To all of Your children that I have hurt I ask for Your forgiveness. I have read that once You have answered I prayer from someone who is not one of Your child and so I am taking this chance. If You happen to read this letter will You please grant my request? I am begging for Your forgiveness and that please answer my prayer this time. Please do not be silent, please do not turn Your face away from me. I can no longer take another day, I can no longer endure the pain. Please make it stop. Please end this curse and let my body rest. I pray that once I close my eyes today it would remain that way until my body would be eaten by worms and be gone forever. This is my only plea and I hope and pray that You would hear me this time. I don't know how to send this message to You so that You would hear it but I just hope that one of Your children reads this letter and to let You know that I am waiting for You to answer my prayer. I have been waiting for more than twenty years already and I will continue to wait. Your children said that I should not take this life away and I follow their orders but I am scared and I don't know of how long will I be able to follow them.

I didn't ask for happiness, I didn't ask wealth for Your children needs them more than I do and I don't want to claim them either for I know that You will not like it and they are not for me to keep and I do not have the right to claim these things. Just let my body rest and let me feel nothing, no joy, no pain, no happiness and no sorrow. I don't know if I have claim something that belongs to one of Your children for I have no wisdom to determine the things that are not for me and I am not intelligent either. If You happen to be reading this letter up to this part I am deeply thankful that You take the time. And so I pray that you please let me be free from pain and sorrow, please let me die, please take my life away. This I pray in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

curse of the gift

I always thought of committing suicide almost everyday. I just can't help to think of how wonderful will that be to be dead. You will no longer have to bear the burden of waking up each day to go to work, you don't have to think anymore about how to live and solve your problems. I think we can find equality once we are dead. Life is not fair but I think death is. How wonderful will that be that you don't feel anymore pain. Oh, how I wish that I can drop dead right now any minute. How wonderful.

I just wonder why people consider suicide a great sin. If God has given you life without even asking permission from you whether you want to live or not then why should it be a sin to end it? Not all things that you give to someone is useful. Same as not all consider life as a gift, for me its a curse, a curse for something I didn't know why I was given this curse. If life is a gift then why is it that I am or others are in pain because we are still alive? Maybe not all gifts could bring happiness, some of them brings you sorrow. We should think carefully next time if we give a gift to someone if that gift would bring happiness or not.

Before I separated my life completely with God I asked him everyday if He could shown a little mercy to me and take this curse away, take this life and let me be free from sorrow. But I heard no answer from him, He didn't even care about it. When I got German measles a year ago I decided not to go to a doctor instead I locked myself in my room with two loaves bread and a jar of peanut butter. How I wish that it was the end of my days. That I would die peacefully but instead I wake up each day with more pain. I think to myself of how cruel is God that he answered prayers of others which cost millions like a yacht, a Mercedes Benz, and many others and didn't bother to answer mine. Several times I have attempted suicide but each time I failed until I gave up. I am thinking maybe God is happy to see other people in pain, maybe that would brought Him so much joy. I am sure that if he look out of what is happening to me now would bring too much joy to Him, I am sure He is very happy if He will only look out of what is happening into my life now only that He is not yet satisfied.

Beauty of Death

The first time a saw someone died in front of me was almost a year ago, it was a motorcycle accident which by the time that I report to work I catch a fever. It was very traumatic and I felt numbness in my body, that feeling that you don't want to see the incident but you can't move. When my aunt in my father side called me before informing me that my grandmother died I felt nothing and the call lasted less than a minute. When I was informed that my grandfather in my mother's side died I didn't shed a tear. I felt bad about it because no matter what I think of those moments that I was with them I couldn't remember an incident where I was happy or that I felt that they loved me. My grandfather said that when he dies nobody would cry or be sad, I didn't. I hope my grandfather was happy about it since I didn't cry nor I wasn't sad too.

The economic situation has hit the company where I work. It surely hit us and it hit us hard. But I don't want to resign. It's like if I am with the Titanic and its already sinking what I would do is just to secure a lifevest then I woudn't jump out of the boat, I would stay. I would stay and watch as people struggle to survive. I just as how people would face death. It is the same with the where I work. I don't want to resign because I just want to be there. I want to feel and see how people would react when they are getting less pay than usual. I want to be there when they tell you about their problems and how they manage to meet their daily needs with the pay that they are getting. I want to be there when the company slowly dies and is consumed by death. I want to be there as employees are getting less everyday. I want to see it, it's like seeing death in movies, only real.

I have seen a lot of dead people already, some of them died of sickness others are from accidents. But after the accident they look so peaceful and are free from pain. I hope I can be like them too. Free from pain. Everybody struggles to survive and only a few appreciates the beauty of death. Only a few recognizes of what death can offer, freedom from pain.

I'm sorry Tina

I woke up so early in the morning, I felt like crying and I remember that movie where in the listen to their favorite artist whenever they are depressed. I scanned various artist listing names starting from A to Z. And so I settled for Tina's What's love got to do with it, after a couple of minutes I asked myself of what is so special with this song or with Tina and why is it that gays love her, well not all though but most gays. I tried to absord the lyrics of the song and I am not just pretty sure if it is just me or others have heard almost the same words that I've heard about the lyrics of this song. I haven't google the lyrics yet and decided to type the lyrics of the song as I've heard it.

You must understandabout the touch of your hand makes my balls react

and its only the thrill of boy meeting girl opposites attract

its physical only logical you must try to ignore that it means more than that

oooh what's love got to, got to do with it

what's love but a second hand emotion

what's love got to, got to wo with it

who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

I continued listening to the song but i googled the lyrics. I found out that Tina didn't said "balls" but "pulse" but why is it that it seems that I've heard it, she said balls? Hmmm. I just wonder if gays back then who voted for this song also have heard the same words when they listened to the song and song they liked it so much because Tina also got balls that reacts wtih the touch of a guys hand. Since google was not yet born at that time it took time for them to find out that Tina said pulse and not balls.

It's really easy to get confuse with the sound of "b" and "p" and also with "t" sometimes. I remember this conversation of a customer and a call center agent.

customer: is that a t?

agent: no sir, it's p as in paul

customer: b as in ball?

agent: no, its p as in peter

custmer: oh, b as in beer

Amazing.

immortality of a name

Do you have this dream that you want your name to be remembered throughout generations to come? That even if you are already dead people will still talk about you and would wonder of what will the world be if you are still alive? Do you want your name to be immortal just like the great men and women in history? I sometimes dream about it. I sometimes wish that my name will be remembered until the world would come to an end. In that case, what would someone has to do to make his name immortal? I once seated beside this cute guy when I still used to go to church and on his shirt where this words printed out "well behave people seldom make history" which is true, I thought.

Let us think of Alexander the Great, he has conquered the world known at his time. But he has been a cruel person too, I don't think he would be remembered that much if he live his days just as how a leader at that time would normally behave. Among the Cleopatra's of Egypt we remembered the one of has done things beyond what the norms of the society dictates just to keep her kingdom. As we read the history of the world the names that appears are not of those who live their lives according to the norms of the society but to those who live their life according to their own.

But why is it then even if most of us desperately wanting attention, desperately wanted to be recognized that only a few dares to live life of our own? We live life like we are in prison. Prisoners that do not have the freedom to choose the life we want to live. Why is it that we let our parents decide for us? Why is it that we are so much about what the church would say about us? Why is it that we care so of what our friends would tell about us? Why can't we just live a life according to our own? Why are we so scared to live our own live and run free and be wild? Is it because we crave to be appreciated? That if we live life according to our own we are scared that our friend would leave us and our actions are no longer appreciated?

Let us take for example our very own Boyet Fajardo, grrr. The action that he has shown has caught our attention which we did not appreciate his action but yet I believe that his name will have a better chance to be remembered than ours long after we are gone. Only a few thought and remembers Mother Theresa, or the guy who invented the first PC, or the guy who created Facebook, or the guy who discovers vaccination but a lot knew Hitler, Madonna, Capone, Napoleon, Bin Laden and even Imelda Marcos. Oh how much we dream that the world is a better place. How much we dream that the world is a peaceful place to live yet we remembers not the people who ended the World War only a few even knows how the world war was ended. Most of us remembered what Hitler has done to the world yet only a few of us knew the hope that Anne Frank has shown.

Do you just want to live your like just like others that names are soon forgotten days after they died? Or do you want to live a life full of shame, hatred, envy and very evil to the eyes of other people yet have a greater chance than your name will have immortality?