Mercy, mercy...

back to civilization

I feel so lost within the past few days. After work I just answered my assignments and didn't bother if whether I understand my lessons. The moment I opened my books I just browse directly to the page of my exercises and browse to where I could find the answers.

Yesterday I filed my resignation letters, I submitted two. One is effective immediately and one where I have to render a 30 day notice. I don't know how long will this feeling last. This is so foreign to me. I could feel that I am in a state of rebellion right now that I want to break every law.
It has been a long time since I went online. I think I need time to stay away from wires and computers but that didn't even make me any better.

I am reading Harry Potter series right now, I am such a late bloomer and I starting to love it, but for me Lord of the Rings is still the best. I am now at the Goblet of Fire.

to make you feel my love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

***

I was listening to this song for a while now. I just so love the song. This song help me realize why most of my relationships failed. My pride is just way too much bigger than my heart. I never make the first move to make that other person feel that I am in love. What I care about is my pride. I keep on watching that I shouldn't be the first one to send the text message, I shouldn't be the first one to smile, I shouldn't be the first one to say "I love you."

I hope one day it wouldn't be the same. I hope that I would meet a person one day and I would be the first one to send a text message every day, I would be the first one to smile, I would be the first one to say "I love you" and I would say "I love you" all the time.

I just can't imagine my self doing crazy things for love. Not now. Maybe in the future. Maybe I would do crazy things, to make that other person feel my love.

those days

Last night in an effort to make my rest day productive, I watched Audrey Hepburn's Breakfast at Tiffany's. After watching the movie, I was thankful. Thankful that I wasn't born yesterday. Thankful that I was able to enjoy the movies that this generation has to offer to me. No offense to those who love Audrey Hepburn and the good old movies but I just find it weird the way how they acted in movies before. I find it OA. I just watched almost half part of it and stopped and switched to Ironman and watched it two times. I'm planning to watch it again.

I on the process of downloading a movie about Jane Austen. I haven't read a book that she wrote but I've heard she's a wonderful author and her books were classic. I bought her Pride and Prejudice and just read a few pages of it, I decided that it would be better if I just download an audio book of it. I find the book boring. I think classic is not just my type of books. But I love Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird.

I also watched Latter Days. I think it is true in some way or another, sad stories are the best. I don't know why. Even in gay movies, I prefer Love of Siam than Latter Days. I remember sad movies and in a way they found their way in my heart than movies with happy endings.

next month

I am planning to join a seminar about financial literacy. I heard a lot about the effects of recession among my colleagues. Most of them are terribly affected with the current state of the global financial climate. I can't say that I am not affected at all, but the impact is has brought to me is less compared to them. I think this is one thing that I have to be thankful of being an orphan. I have learned on how to rely on myself and to plan for my future at a young age.

I am planning to buy new stuff for my self next month. I have several plans for this month and for the month of August. I think I am pushing my self to hard this time and I so I have decided to finish Empire Falls by Richard Russo by August instead of this month.

I have this one little evil secret. I was really excited the first time I've done this. I have neighbor who has a router and is unsecured. I know its stealing and its bad but I don't know why I love doing it. So this the past few weeks I have been downloading movies and chatting courtesy of my neighbor. He is a techie guy though, I can't access his gateway but his wireless setting part is the one that is unsecured. So I guess, he has an idea that someone can connect to his network anytime and he is not against it.

I have downloaded Love of Siam and Freedom Writers. The thing that I hated watching feel good movies is the part when I become so sad. I cried a lot while watching both movies. I wish I was one of those people who can write and can change the world just by using your words. At the same time, a part of me is longing and waiting for the right time and the right person. I am waiting for that moment where I can love someone and never be afraid of losing them.