Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I just wonder why people consider suicide a great sin. If God has given you life without even asking permission from you whether you want to live or not then why should it be a sin to end it? Not all things that you give to someone is useful. Same as not all consider life as a gift, for me its a curse, a curse for something I didn't know why I was given this curse. If life is a gift then why is it that I am or others are in pain because we are still alive? Maybe not all gifts could bring happiness, some of them brings you sorrow. We should think carefully next time if we give a gift to someone if that gift would bring happiness or not.
Before I separated my life completely with God I asked him everyday if He could shown a little mercy to me and take this curse away, take this life and let me be free from sorrow. But I heard no answer from him, He didn't even care about it. When I got German measles a year ago I decided not to go to a doctor instead I locked myself in my room with two loaves bread and a jar of peanut butter. How I wish that it was the end of my days. That I would die peacefully but instead I wake up each day with more pain. I think to myself of how cruel is God that he answered prayers of others which cost millions like a yacht, a Mercedes Benz, and many others and didn't bother to answer mine. Several times I have attempted suicide but each time I failed until I gave up. I am thinking maybe God is happy to see other people in pain, maybe that would brought Him so much joy. I am sure that if he look out of what is happening to me now would bring too much joy to Him, I am sure He is very happy if He will only look out of what is happening into my life now only that He is not yet satisfied.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
I woke up so early in the morning, I felt like crying and I remember that movie where in the listen to their favorite artist whenever they are depressed. I scanned various artist listing names starting from A to Z. And so I settled for Tina's What's love got to do with it, after a couple of minutes I asked myself of what is so special with this song or with Tina and why is it that gays love her, well not all though but most gays. I tried to absord the lyrics of the song and I am not just pretty sure if it is just me or others have heard almost the same words that I've heard about the lyrics of this song. I haven't google the lyrics yet and decided to type the lyrics of the song as I've heard it.
You must understandabout the touch of your hand makes my balls react
I continued listening to the song but i googled the lyrics. I found out that Tina didn't said "balls" but "pulse" but why is it that it seems that I've heard it, she said balls? Hmmm. I just wonder if gays back then who voted for this song also have heard the same words when they listened to the song and song they liked it so much because Tina also got balls that reacts wtih the touch of a guys hand. Since google was not yet born at that time it took time for them to find out that Tina said pulse and not balls.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Let us think of Alexander the Great, he has conquered the world known at his time. But he has been a cruel person too, I don't think he would be remembered that much if he live his days just as how a leader at that time would normally behave. Among the Cleopatra's of Egypt we remembered the one of has done things beyond what the norms of the society dictates just to keep her kingdom. As we read the history of the world the names that appears are not of those who live their lives according to the norms of the society but to those who live their life according to their own.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I was an elementary student then when I learned about the wonderful things that I can find in books. My aunt has this book, a collection of all the best fairy tales you can find in the world. I can still remember what my mother did to my half-brother when they visited me one summer. They were in one bed next to me but not that close to me but I can hear my half-brother telling my mother that he can't sleep and asked my mother to tell him bed time stories. I listened to my mother while she was telling a story for him.
How wonderful will be it be to have a mother beside your bed and tell you about the story Snow White before you go to bed. When I watched cartoons about Snow White my half-brother would boast that mama already told her about that. I felt envious and I struggled to learn how to read so that I would know and be able to read the best fairy tales in the world.
These fairy tales that I've read help me survived each day. Hoping that one day I would have my very own fairy godmother that would grant all my wishes. I would wish for a mother and a father. I would wish for a family. But each day as I grow older I learned that fairy tales don't come true. That they are a product of one man's imagination. As I remember those days, these fairy tales that I read in books help me to survive. It helps me ease the pain of living each day by daydreaming that brought me to places where I meet the Cinderella and was welcomed in her very beautiful castle, where I joined Ariel and explored her world in the sea.
When I remember that night today, it made me cry. How I wish that I would have a fairy god mother where I can ask her for a loving mother that would tell me these wonderful stories before I go to sleep. How I wish I could have a mother where we can join the mermaids in the sea or we can ride on a magic carpet together in a far away land.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
It is very dreadful for me waking up everyday and going to work but I felt greater pain when I return back to the place where I live, where I feel like I am a stranger. I place I call my home yet there is no one to meet me or even ask how my day was. Being alone is sometimes good, I guess I am used to it already. But I can't help it and wish for something more than what was given to me. I can't help it but wish that I have a family. I can't help it but to feel hatred towards God for He had given others parents and I don't. I don't know if it is a sin to hate God but I know I am in the right place to feel this kind of feeling.
How I wish this sorrow would end. How I wish I can find a place I can call home where I would feel safe and warm. How I wish I could end a day in a place where someone would meet me and ask how my day was. How I wish.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I was a high school student when I learned about Greek literature. I didn't pay much attention to it before since while my teacher was in front telling us the ills escaping from Pandora's box or about the Trojan war, I was at the back reading Sidney Sheldon and John Grisham. I think this was the age where I experienced what others called it as "juvenile deliquency" or "rebellion." I didn't pay much attention about my grades and I don't care about them. All I care is that I learned something and that I don't care about grades.
Now that I am done reading Black Beauty I am planning to read something about Greek literature. I believe that this has been the foundation of most of todays writing. Their stories never failed to pierce the hearts of mankind. Though these stories were very old and was made long before printing was invented their stories survived. I want to read about Greek mythology. I never paid much attention about Greek literature when I was still in high school. The stories that influenced me more is about the Egyptians. I used to have this notebook where I collected poems from the Book of the Dead. It is said that this is the book that they used to bury together with the Pharaoh. One poem that I remember is about the sun god, Ra.
I am planning to start reading about the Iliad next month. I hope that I would learn more about Greek literature. I am so excited and can't wait to buy the book.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
There are a lot of things women have done and some of them even changed the course of history. Some of them showed love more than what the whole world has given. Others showed inventions that men couldn't think that it can be possible. Womens are great. No doubt. Loving, absolutely.
I just find it hard to understand women. Sometimes they tell you not to do this and they are doing it anyway. I am just really so sick of some women in the street shouting about equality and all. Why is it then that they wanted equality and if it was given to them, they complain about. For example if they treat you like a man for example if you're riding in a bus and you don't give them your seat they rolled their eyes and others complain about it that they were not respected. What is it then that they wanted anyway? Equality or to treat them like queens? In a grocery line they wanted to get ahead of you and tells you that they are women and they can't stand in long lines and that they got tired easily. Its just so hard to understand them. Does women demands to be treated equally like men or do they want to be treated superior than men?
Can you truly understand a woman? I can't.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
When I was still young my grandfather used to call me dumb and useless. My grandmother said that I should not fight back against other people even if they step on me. She said that I have to give way to other people, she planted in my mind that I am an unwanted child and I have to be thankful that I was given a chance to live in this world. She's a nice person, I could see it on the way she treated my cousins.
And so I grow up and used that people beat me. I hold a grudge of everyone of them. I can still remember that classmate of mine who punched my nose when I was in the third grade or my classmates that don't want me to join them when they play.
Then I met the guy who sent the text message that I still keep up to this date. He seldom talks and he has other set of friends. One time almost everyone in the office is having a hard time with their performance at work and I share to them as well that I am having hard time too. He said this word " well I think **** you're good in everything" that stunned me for a second. After a few weeks he resigned and I found out that he was teaching at a highly reputable university in the country which I could not afford to enroll myself at. I sent him a text message, just a casual "hi" and "hello" to catch up on things. And this was his reply : " Hi, ****. How's it going? You're getting big pay now? Hehehe. Take care, bro. Regards me to the group. You're a good kid. You'll make waves there. Take care. "
Sometimes when I really feel down and blue I read his messages and it really inspires me a lot. Knowing someone out there who which is not related to me believes that I can make things happen makes me feel great. Knowing that there is one person who believes in me even if others don't makes me feel great.
The next thing I know he is now in Guam. I don't know what he is doing in there. But I hope that one day he would stumbe upon this blog and would read this entry. Thank you for the inspiration and thank you for believing in me.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
It has been a long time since I haven't seen the sun. Although I am going to school after or before work it is usually dark already when I get out. I don't know how long has it been that I haven't get out for a walk during daylight. I seem to love the dark and cold room where I live and I love the dark that I almost forgotten the joy of walking in the sunshine. While I was walking I feel my body energize. There is something on the faces of the people that you meet that you hardly see in people walking at night. Their faces are so warm and their bodies move gracefully and full of energy. Unlike if you walk at night that most of the people you meet are exhausted or sleepy and some even smell like a rose petal dip in some foul smelling fluid, eeww. But the people I met today is full of energy, good looking people and very friendly. The sun is indeed a source of energy and it feels good of feeling it directly in your skin while walking in the city and not in the beach.
I was thinking of buying another phone after I sold the other one. I am planning to stick just on one network, I'm thinking Sun cellular might be ok now but I just can't be sure it seems like they are having network problem most of the time.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I am just confused right now with what to tell to a special person. Should I lie just to make this person happy? It is not a great lie though that can cause a world war three but its something that I am just confused to do. What is he finds out the truth? I would lose all credibility that I have for this person which too me time to build. And if I don't that would make him sad which would end our friendship.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The place is packed with people, mostly are guys and gays and a few skinny girls. I just wonder where are these cutie guys live during regular days and why is it that I only see them during Holy Week?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I have been reading self-help books and most of them is about positive thinking, dreaming and believing about it. But no matter how I tried I just can't. I think that the best thing is just to accept reality as it is. That might help me to move on. Life is cruel and I must accept it that it is the truth rather than denying it myself and pretending that life is fair and wonderful. I must have to accept reality and this world has nothing to offer to me. That this world was not created for me to enjoy but to suffer so that other people will realize of how good God is to them. Accepting this reality is hard but I have to. I must not live with lies or fantasies. Reality to me is cruel just like God but I have to accept it and moved on.
Pup I know that you won't be able to read this message. But I just want you to know that I am very happy of once meeting you in my life. Honestly, I am crying while writing this. I have made this decision because I can't be a good partner to you. You are just so nice that you deserve someone better, someone not me. I want you to be happy Pup and that is something that I can't give. I would love to meet you one day at a different time. I hope I would. I have known you only for a very short time but I will treasure. You have given me a great treasure that I will not allow anyone to take it from me. Not even God.
I have tried flooding today. You know that technique in psychology that you allow sorrow-causing stimuli and that is what I have done. I don't think it was a good idea but after a bunch of tears I felt much better. I might have made decisions that I will regret in the future like not answering Pup's calls but I think as of this time this is what I really need. I remembered events in my life that has caused me great pain and after remember them and I think about it again the feeling hollow. I felt a sort of numbness. I could look at someone dying right now and won't get affected. I could look at someone right now being cut using a bread knife and that would not stir me but I don't advise someone to try flooding though except if you have lots of tissues and hankies.
Almost every Holy Week I remember the times in the Bible and the stories told about you of what you have done during this time. I also love this part of the week because every summer I don't have to go to school which I really hate it before because it means that I have to spend my school vacation working in the farm. I spend every day in my grandparents farm, under the scorching heat and that is every day except when I get sick. When I was still young I really love to get sick. How I wish I have a fever every day so that I could not go to the farm and work. I don't think you know how painful it is seeing that children who is at your age are playing while you are working. I felt envious with my classmates because they are able to do what they love during summer. I get used of the world that you have created for me though, I won't get the things that I love.
I love this week every summer. This is the week where I don't have to work. We just listen to the radio about the last thing that has happened to Your life while you are still here on earth. So you have tasted how cruel the world that you have created? Cruel isn't it? I used to felt pity at You especially on the part where they have to whip at you while carrying the cross. But after the things that I had happened in my life I couldn't help but say that you just get what you deserve. The things that they have done to You were not even enough. If I was there at your time I would be the one will throw the first stone. I would have ask You straight in the face looking at your eyes of why have you not given me any choice? Why have you brought me here on earth and be born and be surrounded by cruel relatives and people? I am sure your answers would not satisfy me. For nothing will satisfy me this time except death. Let me tell You this that what you have suffered there is nothing compared of what You have given to me. Do you still remember the time when my stepfather put my shit inside my mouth? Do you still remember the time when I have to wake up early every weekdays because I have to work in the farm? Do you still remember the time when my grandfather call me useless and dumb? Do you still remember the time that I long for a father? Do you still remember the time when I was wondering where my mother is? Do you still remember the time when my relatives hated me so much because I have to live with my grandparents? Do you still remember the time when I have committed suicide several times yet I failed? Do you still remember the time when I am not allowed to sleep at night because I have to make sure that the basement is not flooded with water? You don't, all that matters to you is whether my friends and other people are happy with the latest Prada collection or if the food in the newly open resto taste good. The things that were done to you is nothing compared to mine.
My classmates when I was still in grade two can still remember that I have been telling them before that I really wanted to die. I do want to die and I still dream about it today. I am not saying that you didn't suffer, you did and I cried before while watching what has been done to you. You have suffered not because of your own actions but to save the people that you love, well if we think about it that is still a decision that you have made. But I just can't really find the reason why I have suffered those things, what have I done to You that You let those things to happen? You have made me a monster. You have turned me into a beast. You have put this hatred inside me that is eating myself and I couldn't even control it. You have put a disease in me which there is no cure. The cruelty that was done to You when You were here is nothing compared of what you have given me.
I can't understand why others have parents and I don't. I can't understand why I can't have toys when I was still young. I can't understand why I have to go to work everyday if I don't have school or if I am not sick. I can't understand why my relatives don't like me because I lived with my grandparents who are so cruel to me anyway. I couldn't understand why You have allowed such things to happen to me. They said that you are a friend, that someone can rely on, well they are nothing but a bunch of liars just like You. You are not good to me. You have never been good to me. Never.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
I received a message from Pup yesterday, he said he really wants to know me more. I like him and that is for sure but I am scared of the idea of having a relationship with someone. I don't want to give up the things that I enjoyed now which I won't enjoy anymore when I am in a relationship, the freedom to flirt without that guilt deep inside you that would haunt you throughout the day and the freedom to go wherever you want to be. I am still confused right now with what decision I have to make but I am enjoying every moment.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I was just curious though of what is "waiting in vain" means to others. I often hear this phrase on TV with some girl waiting desperately for his boyfriend, or some group of people waiting for someone. When I think of the phrase of "waiting in vain" something came up in my mind, I consider it a little bit different and a little bit odd. It's just that sometimes when you are really angry and someone for being late that you need to think of something else, something funny that can keep you cool. When I was waiting for someone, I think of this phrase "waiting in vain" and with a slight of gay imagination. I was thinking that when someone said they have been waiting in vain is someone wearing a gown, a white one just like what Taylor Swift wear in her video for "Love Story" and finger nails like of Lady Gaga in her "Poker Face" and a hair dyed like Pink. UGH! I think that looks so nice and desperate. What would happen if when we say we are waiting in vain looks like that?
I met Pup the other day, I got a message from my work mate that they are at my neighbor, Ronald McDonald, I am sure I am gonna miss this very nice neighbor of mine. Anyway Pup is very silent, I was thinking that I turned him off, after we met I received a message from him stating that he was sorry if he was just silent most of the time because he was just observing me. Pup looks like your guy next door. Not that cute but there is something in him, very warm, very friendly. Just the same as your guy next door, not so cute but very friendly and you have that feeling that you are safe when he is around. My work mate said that Pup likes me. I don't know how to react about this. He asked me if I am in a relationship, it was just a question from him but it gives me an erection just thinking about the proposal. I don/t think this is normal.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
I haven't transferred to my new pad yet. It was located in the heart of the slum. I paid a month in advance already since i have paid already for my current place until may so i still have a lot of time to move my stuff. I am going to miss my place when I move. Leaving this place is very hard for me but I have to do it due to my financial needs. But I just love my current place so much, I mean gawd for Christ sake I have such hottie housemates and your boy next door is someone that could satisfy your very basic needs and they are Jollibee and McDonalds. I am going to miss this neighbors, they are very nice neighbors.
I was supposed to jog at least once a week and swim at least twice a month but I only jog around 3 times and never get a chance to wet myself in the pool. it has been a very long time already since I played basketball, the last time I played soccer was when I was in high school. That was like eons of times ago. on the other hand i was able to finish more than half of my school requirements. I just hope I didn't flunk. Again.
Last February I have written 13 blog entries and now its at 14 which is an improvement if we look into the numbers. I haven't noticed my grammar has improve though or that my ability to express my thoughts in words. I am a funny person and I just love to hear jokes and just laugh out loud but when I read my entries its so dull. I guess I would have to learn to be funny in writing or on how to express my ideas flawlessly.
I was also able to save a few bucks and the digits in my bank account has changed and the numbers increased even in times of recession. I would have to believe to what others said that a lazy person is always in crisis. I would say in some point yes and sometimes proper budgeting would do a great help too.
I haven't accomplish half of what I have listed that I would have to do last month. Watching old movies of Kris Aquino I would say that her performance really sucks but mine for last month is worst.
I don't know if I am in love with Pup, we are still exchanging text messages. I received a messages from him almost every hour if he is awake. We haven't talk about sex either, its just about movies and stuff but I didn't find it boring. I enjoyed every bit of our messages.
The space function is now working. I don't know how. Maybe the google or the blogger team read my posts and so they fixed it. What do you think? Anyway, I would like to thank the Google or the Blogger team for doing. I lav yah guys! More power!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Last night a friend of mine sent me asked if we can go out and have some fun. I was in the mood last night to went out, I love going out during weekdays. One thing I love about the clubs during weekdays is that you meet people who are somehow professional and not just some brats. The bad thing of going out during weekends is that mostly though there are some people who are working in offices who also wants to have a great time but most of them are students or if luck is not in your side you'll meet your helper, I have nothing against them. I am a student and I am not rich too. Anyway when I don't remember the time when I hit the sack but when I woke up today it was around ten in the morning already. Since its my off today and I don't have to go to school too I was thinking about the things that I would do today. I decided I need to have my hair cut, my workmates said that its a bit long already. I only knew a few hairstyles which I don't look good at them either, I can name a few like bob cut, crew cut or shaved. First I went to David's, I don't spend that much for a haircut or I think for anything at all but this time I think I need to look good. They only have one stylist the receptionist said and I said that I will just wait. The girl asked again if I am I can wait because their stylist is doing a relax and I assured her that its definitely fine with me. I asked her how long will it take then she said that about four hours, I was really shocked. Four hours for a hair relax? I couldn't imagine people can stay that long in salon just for their hair. I mean after a few shampoo the effect of it would be gone anyway. Just the sight of a salon makes me sick and others would stay there for four hours just for a relax. Well I am not really sure how will a hair look after a relax, I don't have a girlfriend obviously and I don't think a boy or a gay guy would need a relax. That must be very expensive. Oh! My Gawd!
I went to another salon and the stylist asked what kind of hairstyle would I like. I don't know any hairstyle, I just want it short that it would still look fine even without combing, I answered. Obviously I don't spend that much in front of a mirror, I find it a waste of time but I want to look good, I think I'm just too lazy. I really find having a haircut too dreadful. I don't know if its only me, I'd rather work than have haircut.