Monday, April 27, 2009

To You

I just don't know if this is true or not or whether You are real or not. I have read and statistics show that you have millions of followers and all saying that You are good, understanding, powerful, the creator of everything. I have been asking prayers to You eversince, I can't recall one of them answered. They are things not for me, I know but for Your children that you dearly loved, I know I am not one of them. I envy how You take care of your people and how much You love them. I wish I was one of them but I could never be. And I don't want to claim that I am Your child and worthy of Your love for time will come that You will repudiate my claim. I have been living with Your people and I can say that You are a loving Father to them, they are well taken care of.

I have asked things from You before, I couldn't the nights that I've cried for You to hear my prayers but you remain silent, I can say that You might be busy taking care of Your people. It may take days for you to read this letter of mine for You but I would be glad if You can spend a few minutes of Your time to read my letter and answer my request. You might not have any idea of how hard it is to living with my relatives but it is very hard let me tell You. There hasn't been a single day that I didn't wish not to be born. But of course my relatives are Your children and they need a slave, they need someone to work for them and sleep at one in the morning and wake up at five. They need a slave who would take care of them, remind them of their medicines to take, take care of their children, answer their assignments, cook for them, clean their house, wash their clothes and work for their farms. You may not be please with how I served Your children but I did all the best that I can do. Your children have thrown mud, stone, words that pierced my hear and every inch of my body hated them so much and I know that I should not feel that way. I know that Your children have the right to treat me the way they want me to but I can't help it and for that I ask for Your forgiveness.

Do You still remember that night that I asked You for a challenge and You didn't answer? I guess You are busy at that night for until now I haven't heard from it or this might be the answer already. I admit and surrender. I am so scared to face another day. I barely finish this day but I did and I am so scared to face another day. I am scared of Your power. I can never be Your child that I know, I can never be to the place that You have prepared for Your children that is certain. To all of Your children that I have hurt I ask for Your forgiveness. I have read that once You have answered I prayer from someone who is not one of Your child and so I am taking this chance. If You happen to read this letter will You please grant my request? I am begging for Your forgiveness and that please answer my prayer this time. Please do not be silent, please do not turn Your face away from me. I can no longer take another day, I can no longer endure the pain. Please make it stop. Please end this curse and let my body rest. I pray that once I close my eyes today it would remain that way until my body would be eaten by worms and be gone forever. This is my only plea and I hope and pray that You would hear me this time. I don't know how to send this message to You so that You would hear it but I just hope that one of Your children reads this letter and to let You know that I am waiting for You to answer my prayer. I have been waiting for more than twenty years already and I will continue to wait. Your children said that I should not take this life away and I follow their orders but I am scared and I don't know of how long will I be able to follow them.

I didn't ask for happiness, I didn't ask wealth for Your children needs them more than I do and I don't want to claim them either for I know that You will not like it and they are not for me to keep and I do not have the right to claim these things. Just let my body rest and let me feel nothing, no joy, no pain, no happiness and no sorrow. I don't know if I have claim something that belongs to one of Your children for I have no wisdom to determine the things that are not for me and I am not intelligent either. If You happen to be reading this letter up to this part I am deeply thankful that You take the time. And so I pray that you please let me be free from pain and sorrow, please let me die, please take my life away. This I pray in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.


Sunday, April 26, 2009

curse of the gift

I always thought of committing suicide almost everyday. I just can't help to think of how wonderful will that be to be dead. You will no longer have to bear the burden of waking up each day to go to work, you don't have to think anymore about how to live and solve your problems. I think we can find equality once we are dead. Life is not fair but I think death is. How wonderful will that be that you don't feel anymore pain. Oh, how I wish that I can drop dead right now any minute. How wonderful.

I just wonder why people consider suicide a great sin. If God has given you life without even asking permission from you whether you want to live or not then why should it be a sin to end it? Not all things that you give to someone is useful. Same as not all consider life as a gift, for me its a curse, a curse for something I didn't know why I was given this curse. If life is a gift then why is it that I am or others are in pain because we are still alive? Maybe not all gifts could bring happiness, some of them brings you sorrow. We should think carefully next time if we give a gift to someone if that gift would bring happiness or not.

Before I separated my life completely with God I asked him everyday if He could shown a little mercy to me and take this curse away, take this life and let me be free from sorrow. But I heard no answer from him, He didn't even care about it. When I got German measles a year ago I decided not to go to a doctor instead I locked myself in my room with two loaves bread and a jar of peanut butter. How I wish that it was the end of my days. That I would die peacefully but instead I wake up each day with more pain. I think to myself of how cruel is God that he answered prayers of others which cost millions like a yacht, a Mercedes Benz, and many others and didn't bother to answer mine. Several times I have attempted suicide but each time I failed until I gave up. I am thinking maybe God is happy to see other people in pain, maybe that would brought Him so much joy. I am sure that if he look out of what is happening to me now would bring too much joy to Him, I am sure He is very happy if He will only look out of what is happening into my life now only that He is not yet satisfied.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Beauty of Death

The first time a saw someone died in front of me was almost a year ago, it was a motorcycle accident which by the time that I report to work I catch a fever. It was very traumatic and I felt numbness in my body, that feeling that you don't want to see the incident but you can't move. When my aunt in my father side called me before informing me that my grandmother died I felt nothing and the call lasted less than a minute. When I was informed that my grandfather in my mother's side died I didn't shed a tear. I felt bad about it because no matter what I think of those moments that I was with them I couldn't remember an incident where I was happy or that I felt that they loved me. My grandfather said that when he dies nobody would cry or be sad, I didn't. I hope my grandfather was happy about it since I didn't cry nor I wasn't sad too.

The economic situation has hit the company where I work. It surely hit us and it hit us hard. But I don't want to resign. It's like if I am with the Titanic and its already sinking what I would do is just to secure a lifevest then I woudn't jump out of the boat, I would stay. I would stay and watch as people struggle to survive. I just as how people would face death. It is the same with the where I work. I don't want to resign because I just want to be there. I want to feel and see how people would react when they are getting less pay than usual. I want to be there when they tell you about their problems and how they manage to meet their daily needs with the pay that they are getting. I want to be there when the company slowly dies and is consumed by death. I want to be there as employees are getting less everyday. I want to see it, it's like seeing death in movies, only real.

I have seen a lot of dead people already, some of them died of sickness others are from accidents. But after the accident they look so peaceful and are free from pain. I hope I can be like them too. Free from pain. Everybody struggles to survive and only a few appreciates the beauty of death. Only a few recognizes of what death can offer, freedom from pain.

Friday, April 24, 2009

I'm sorry Tina

I woke up so early in the morning, I felt like crying and I remember that movie where in the listen to their favorite artist whenever they are depressed. I scanned various artist listing names starting from A to Z. And so I settled for Tina's What's love got to do with it, after a couple of minutes I asked myself of what is so special with this song or with Tina and why is it that gays love her, well not all though but most gays. I tried to absord the lyrics of the song and I am not just pretty sure if it is just me or others have heard almost the same words that I've heard about the lyrics of this song. I haven't google the lyrics yet and decided to type the lyrics of the song as I've heard it.

You must understandabout the touch of your hand makes my balls react
and its only the thrill of boy meeting girl opposites attract
its physical only logical you must try to ignore that it means more than that
oooh what's love got to, got to do with it
what's love but a second hand emotion
what's love got to, got to wo with it
who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

I continued listening to the song but i googled the lyrics. I found out that Tina didn't said "balls" but "pulse" but why is it that it seems that I've heard it, she said balls? Hmmm. I just wonder if gays back then who voted for this song also have heard the same words when they listened to the song and song they liked it so much because Tina also got balls that reacts wtih the touch of a guys hand. Since google was not yet born at that time it took time for them to find out that Tina said pulse and not balls.

It's really easy to get confuse with the sound of "b" and "p" and also with "t" sometimes. I remember this conversation of a customer and a call center agent.

customer: is that a t?
agent: no sir, it's p as in paul
customer: b as in ball?
agent: no, its p as in peter
custmer: oh, b as in beer


Thursday, April 23, 2009

immortality of a name

Do you have this dream that you want your name to be remembered throughout generations to come? That even if you are already dead people will still talk about you and would wonder of what will the world be if you are still alive? Do you want your name to be immortal just like the great men and women in history? I sometimes dream about it. I sometimes wish that my name will be remembered until the world would come to an end. In that case, what would someone has to do to make his name immortal? I once seated beside this cute guy when I still used to go to church and on his shirt where this words printed out "well behave people seldom make history" which is true, I thought.

Let us think of Alexander the Great, he has conquered the world known at his time. But he has been a cruel person too, I don't think he would be remembered that much if he live his days just as how a leader at that time would normally behave. Among the Cleopatra's of Egypt we remembered the one of has done things beyond what the norms of the society dictates just to keep her kingdom. As we read the history of the world the names that appears are not of those who live their lives according to the norms of the society but to those who live their life according to their own.

But why is it then even if most of us desperately wanting attention, desperately wanted to be recognized that only a few dares to live life of our own? We live life like we are in prison. Prisoners that do not have the freedom to choose the life we want to live. Why is it that we let our parents decide for us? Why is it that we are so much about what the church would say about us? Why is it that we care so of what our friends would tell about us? Why can't we just live a life according to our own? Why are we so scared to live our own live and run free and be wild? Is it because we crave to be appreciated? That if we live life according to our own we are scared that our friend would leave us and our actions are no longer appreciated?

Let us take for example our very own Boyet Fajardo, grrr. The action that he has shown has caught our attention which we did not appreciate his action but yet I believe that his name will have a better chance to be remembered than ours long after we are gone. Only a few thought and remembers Mother Theresa, or the guy who invented the first PC, or the guy who created Facebook, or the guy who discovers vaccination but a lot knew Hitler, Madonna, Capone, Napoleon, Bin Laden and even Imelda Marcos. Oh how much we dream that the world is a better place. How much we dream that the world is a peaceful place to live yet we remembers not the people who ended the World War only a few even knows how the world war was ended. Most of us remembered what Hitler has done to the world yet only a few of us knew the hope that Anne Frank has shown.

Do you just want to live your like just like others that names are soon forgotten days after they died? Or do you want to live a life full of shame, hatred, envy and very evil to the eyes of other people yet have a greater chance than your name will have immortality?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

fairy tales

I was packing my things since I am slowly moving now to my new place. I packed the books first that I haven't read yet and some that I wish to keep. I donated the books that I am done reading to the city library. Anyway there was this one book that I even though I have read it already I still keep it with me. It is a collection of fairy tales by Hans Christian Andersen. Others might get their strength from some religious book but I got mine from fairy tales, well there are other books that inspired me too but when I was still young these fairy tales has helped me through in life.

I was an elementary student then when I learned about the wonderful things that I can find in books. My aunt has this book, a collection of all the best fairy tales you can find in the world. I can still remember what my mother did to my half-brother when they visited me one summer. They were in one bed next to me but not that close to me but I can hear my half-brother telling my mother that he can't sleep and asked my mother to tell him bed time stories. I listened to my mother while she was telling a story for him.

How wonderful will be it be to have a mother beside your bed and tell you about the story Snow White before you go to bed. When I watched cartoons about Snow White my half-brother would boast that mama already told her about that. I felt envious and I struggled to learn how to read so that I would know and be able to read the best fairy tales in the world.

These fairy tales that I've read help me survived each day. Hoping that one day I would have my very own fairy godmother that would grant all my wishes. I would wish for a mother and a father. I would wish for a family. But each day as I grow older I learned that fairy tales don't come true. That they are a product of one man's imagination. As I remember those days, these fairy tales that I read in books help me to survive. It helps me ease the pain of living each day by daydreaming that brought me to places where I meet the Cinderella and was welcomed in her very beautiful castle, where I joined Ariel and explored her world in the sea.

When I remember that night today, it made me cry. How I wish that I would have a fairy god mother where I can ask her for a loving mother that would tell me these wonderful stories before I go to sleep. How I wish I could have a mother where we can join the mermaids in the sea or we can ride on a magic carpet together in a far away land.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I have a colleague who had just have a vacation last week. He told us stories about his vacation and about his family and how much he missed them. He said that his vacation is not enough. I am happy for him for he saw his family. I always envy people who has family that they can run to whenever they have problems. Somewhere where you feel feel safe and warm. I grow up from one relative to another and I don't have that feeling of being home. I envy my cousins for they have a place where they can hide whenever they feel that the world is unsafe. I envied them because they have a place where they feel that they are loved.

It is very dreadful for me waking up everyday and going to work but I felt greater pain when I return back to the place where I live, where I feel like I am a stranger. I place I call my home yet there is no one to meet me or even ask how my day was. Being alone is sometimes good, I guess I am used to it already. But I can't help it and wish for something more than what was given to me. I can't help it but wish that I have a family. I can't help it but to feel hatred towards God for He had given others parents and I don't. I don't know if it is a sin to hate God but I know I am in the right place to feel this kind of feeling.

How I wish this sorrow would end. How I wish I can find a place I can call home where I would feel safe and warm. How I wish I could end a day in a place where someone would meet me and ask how my day was. How I wish.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I was a high school student when I learned about Greek literature. I didn't pay much attention to it before since while my teacher was in front telling us the ills escaping from Pandora's box or about the Trojan war, I was at the back reading Sidney Sheldon and John Grisham. I think this was the age where I experienced what others called it as "juvenile deliquency" or "rebellion." I didn't pay much attention about my grades and I don't care about them. All I care is that I learned something and that I don't care about grades.

Now that I am done reading Black Beauty I am planning to read something about Greek literature. I believe that this has been the foundation of most of todays writing. Their stories never failed to pierce the hearts of mankind. Though these stories were very old and was made long before printing was invented their stories survived. I want to read about Greek mythology. I never paid much attention about Greek literature when I was still in high school. The stories that influenced me more is about the Egyptians. I used to have this notebook where I collected poems from the Book of the Dead. It is said that this is the book that they used to bury together with the Pharaoh. One poem that I remember is about the sun god, Ra.

I am planning to start reading about the Iliad next month. I hope that I would learn more about Greek literature. I am so excited and can't wait to buy the book.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

piece of bread

I woke up at twelve noon today which I consider unusual since my regular day starts at five in the afternoon. After that experience when I come to appreciate of how nice it is to walk in daylight I seem to look forward for that experience again. I went out for a little walk and look for a place to eat. On my way home I have noticed this two ladies asking for alms, they are about in their early 60's. I didn't really like giving them and I have to many things to worry about myself that I am not able to afford to look into their troubles, I have so much for myself already.
Once when I was with a friend inside a cab there was this beggars that keep on knocking on the window. I told her that I felt pity on them but I don't usually give them any. I said that if society keeps on giving them then they won't stop asking for alms. I am thinking that if nobody would provide their needs then they will work to meet their ends everyday. If we keep pity on them for their situation giving their needs would make it worst. Some of these people doesn't even have good manners and some if you are in deep trouble wouldn't even mind helping you.
But when I met these two old ladies today, I felt that my judgments were clouded with my emotions. I went to the nearest food store and bought something for them. I hope that my action didn't tolerate their actions. I hope that I have done the right thing to them. While others are sitting in an air conditioned place eating their lunch they are out there in the middle of a very hot day asking for alms and they haven't eaten yet. I hope that my action would not lead to another mistake.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Sleeping Beauty

Has anybody read the book "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" ? The novel was written by Anne Rice and she used a pseudonym A.N. Roquelaure. The novel is somewhat sexual but this book brought her more fame and was a bestseller. I wonder what would happen if I would write or someone would write a gay version of some erotic novel and it would come from a fairy tale too.

I am thinking it would be nice to have a gay version of it but not about Snow White and the seven dwarfs, I think that would be too boring. I'm thinking something more exciting and I think Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves will do. What do you think?

Friday, April 17, 2009


I was busy working when a co-worker asked me if I do believe in destiny. I said that yes, at some point I could feel that there are things that are beyond our control just like for example the place your were born or your parents. If there was no thing such as destiny we should be given the oppurtunity to choose our nationality or our relatives but these are things which we can't control. So I guess, it must be destiny then. But I told her that aside from that mostly the reason why you are where you are right now is because of the decision that you've made in the past. The reason why you are reading this little boring blog of mine because you have decided to clicked the link for example. We shape our future in some case I believe that there is a little part where destiny is involved.

I am having these thoughts today while thinking if I would enroll myself this coming semester. Working and studying at the same time is really very hard for me. There are those sleepless hours and I can't compromise my performance at work or else I have nothing to eat and can't go to school either. But on the hand I would waste the entire semester just to relax. That isn't right. According to investors the best investment is education. Invest in your self for that is something that can't be taken away from you. I am just confused right now. I sometimes sleep in jeepneys when I go to school just to take a nap for about 15 minutes or more depends on the traffic. I sometimes want to surrender and my body is very tired already but at the end of the day when I lay on bed I have no regrets of the decisions that I have made. My friends said that I am very thin already that is why I am considering of not enrolling this semester then just continue after. I am still thinking though and weighing things, a time lost is never regained.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Women Empowerment

One of the many things I am thankful of being gay is not having spent more than half of my life understanding women. I mean who dares to understand these women except those straight guys which I am having a hard time understanding too. I used to adore woman, I used to have a crush on women and I used to fantasize about them, I still do some of these today but not that much except for Britney Spears and Paris Hilton which I adore a lot. Some people just like me can't help it but loves a bitch at least once in his/her life.

There are a lot of things women have done and some of them even changed the course of history. Some of them showed love more than what the whole world has given. Others showed inventions that men couldn't think that it can be possible. Womens are great. No doubt. Loving, absolutely.

I just find it hard to understand women. Sometimes they tell you not to do this and they are doing it anyway. I am just really so sick of some women in the street shouting about equality and all. Why is it then that they wanted equality and if it was given to them, they complain about. For example if they treat you like a man for example if you're riding in a bus and you don't give them your seat they rolled their eyes and others complain about it that they were not respected. What is it then that they wanted anyway? Equality or to treat them like queens? In a grocery line they wanted to get ahead of you and tells you that they are women and they can't stand in long lines and that they got tired easily. Its just so hard to understand them. Does women demands to be treated equally like men or do they want to be treated superior than men?

Can you truly understand a woman? I can't.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Someone who Believes in Me

I have this sim card which I could not really discard even though I am no longer using it. I don't want to use its number anymore because my father has it and I just want to cut every possible means of communication with him. I load it every three or four months so that it won't expire. The reason is there is one message in this sim card from someone that I could not erase. This is from someone and the only person I met that believes that I am not that useless after all, that I am worthy.

When I was still young my grandfather used to call me dumb and useless. My grandmother said that I should not fight back against other people even if they step on me. She said that I have to give way to other people, she planted in my mind that I am an unwanted child and I have to be thankful that I was given a chance to live in this world. She's a nice person, I could see it on the way she treated my cousins.

And so I grow up and used that people beat me. I hold a grudge of everyone of them. I can still remember that classmate of mine who punched my nose when I was in the third grade or my classmates that don't want me to join them when they play.

Then I met the guy who sent the text message that I still keep up to this date. He seldom talks and he has other set of friends. One time almost everyone in the office is having a hard time with their performance at work and I share to them as well that I am having hard time too. He said this word " well I think **** you're good in everything" that stunned me for a second. After a few weeks he resigned and I found out that he was teaching at a highly reputable university in the country which I could not afford to enroll myself at. I sent him a text message, just a casual "hi" and "hello" to catch up on things. And this was his reply : " Hi, ****. How's it going? You're getting big pay now? Hehehe. Take care, bro. Regards me to the group. You're a good kid. You'll make waves there. Take care. "

Sometimes when I really feel down and blue I read his messages and it really inspires me a lot. Knowing someone out there who which is not related to me believes that I can make things happen makes me feel great. Knowing that there is one person who believes in me even if others don't makes me feel great.

The next thing I know he is now in Guam. I don't know what he is doing in there. But I hope that one day he would stumbe upon this blog and would read this entry. Thank you for the inspiration and thank you for believing in me.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

an early bird

I woke up early today. I received a message from someone I met on the net that she will buy my phone. It's a china dual sim, God bless China and their products. I was full of regrets of why did I purchase the phone. I need a dual sim phone and since other products are expensive I tried to settle to a china phone and the bad thing is the battery drains so fast.

It has been a long time since I haven't seen the sun. Although I am going to school after or before work it is usually dark already when I get out. I don't know how long has it been that I haven't get out for a walk during daylight. I seem to love the dark and cold room where I live and I love the dark that I almost forgotten the joy of walking in the sunshine. While I was walking I feel my body energize. There is something on the faces of the people that you meet that you hardly see in people walking at night. Their faces are so warm and their bodies move gracefully and full of energy. Unlike if you walk at night that most of the people you meet are exhausted or sleepy and some even smell like a rose petal dip in some foul smelling fluid, eeww. But the people I met today is full of energy, good looking people and very friendly. The sun is indeed a source of energy and it feels good of feeling it directly in your skin while walking in the city and not in the beach.

I was thinking of buying another phone after I sold the other one. I am planning to stick just on one network, I'm thinking Sun cellular might be ok now but I just can't be sure it seems like they are having network problem most of the time.

Monday, April 13, 2009


Is lying a sin? According to my friend ( as sin is a term used mainly in a religious context to describe an act that violates a moral rule, or the state of having committed such a violation. If morality is defined by individual conscience then what if you have to lie to someone because you believed that this is the thing that has to be done? What if lying to that person is what you believed to be the right thing to do? Will you consider that a sin? What if someone thinks that lying does not violate the moral rule as long the other person is not hurt is that a sin? Is it a sin to make someone happy with a lie?

I am just confused right now with what to tell to a special person. Should I lie just to make this person happy? It is not a great lie though that can cause a world war three but its something that I am just confused to do. What is he finds out the truth? I would lose all credibility that I have for this person which too me time to build. And if I don't that would make him sad which would end our friendship.
Would you rather lie to someone just to make the other person happy?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Holy Cow!

Last Thursday about less than an hour after I have posted my previous entry a friend send me a message if I would like to join them for the Holy Week. Her family is heading to the beach. Since my vacation leave was approved at the last minute when ticket prices for Boracay skyrocketed so I just decided to stay at home instead since when I asked them if I can still cancel my vacation leave they said that it can't be done because I have to cancel it five days prior to its date. This company is really amazing, how can I cancel a leave five days before its date if they are approving leaves on the last minute? Amazing.

I decided to join with my friend. It's a very long trip, we travel for about three hours and the road is so bumpy, I just wonder what happen to the taxes that I paid last year? Where did it go?

The place is packed with people, mostly are guys and gays and a few skinny girls. I just wonder where are these cutie guys live during regular days and why is it that I only see them during Holy Week?

I slept most of the time. But on my last night, it was Friday, I decided to go out and have some fun. I did have some fun but not that much. Have you tried that feeling that you are dreaming of something to come true and when it does the feeling hollow? You feel like you are disappointed why the thing has happened? I wished I just stayed at home.

Have you tried having sex in the beach? It's nice though, I remeber my the food that my tita prepares, the taste is almost the same, taste like Umami.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Results of flooding

I haven't talked with my colleagues at work for about two days now. I don't know how long will my silent treatment towards them will last. But as of the moment I don't want to talk to any of them. One of my workmates tried to call me but I declined his calls. I know that Pup is with him, his been talking about it at work about having a double date with Pup. I can't imagine myself surrounded with lovers while me and Pup is also having a candlelight dinner with them. I was thinking that maybe its not yet the right time for me to have a boyfriend. I still have a lot of problems to deal with. How I wish and hope that I would meet Pup in a different time. Not this time. I am just full of hatred, anger and a lot of negative emotions that I sometimes lose control of myself. I sometimes don't know who I am. Sometimes I am this happy, perky person but most of the time I am this sad little fellow who wants to be in the dark, in the corner. I like Pup so much, I can't just say right now that I love him but I think I am in love but this is not just the right time.

I have been reading self-help books and most of them is about positive thinking, dreaming and believing about it. But no matter how I tried I just can't. I think that the best thing is just to accept reality as it is. That might help me to move on. Life is cruel and I must accept it that it is the truth rather than denying it myself and pretending that life is fair and wonderful. I must have to accept reality and this world has nothing to offer to me. That this world was not created for me to enjoy but to suffer so that other people will realize of how good God is to them. Accepting this reality is hard but I have to. I must not live with lies or fantasies. Reality to me is cruel just like God but I have to accept it and moved on.

Pup I know that you won't be able to read this message. But I just want you to know that I am very happy of once meeting you in my life. Honestly, I am crying while writing this. I have made this decision because I can't be a good partner to you. You are just so nice that you deserve someone better, someone not me. I want you to be happy Pup and that is something that I can't give. I would love to meet you one day at a different time. I hope I would. I have known you only for a very short time but I will treasure. You have given me a great treasure that I will not allow anyone to take it from me. Not even God.

I have tried flooding today. You know that technique in psychology that you allow sorrow-causing stimuli and that is what I have done. I don't think it was a good idea but after a bunch of tears I felt much better. I might have made decisions that I will regret in the future like not answering Pup's calls but I think as of this time this is what I really need. I remembered events in my life that has caused me great pain and after remember them and I think about it again the feeling hollow. I felt a sort of numbness. I could look at someone dying right now and won't get affected. I could look at someone right now being cut using a bread knife and that would not stir me but I don't advise someone to try flooding though except if you have lots of tissues and hankies.
Dear God,

Almost every Holy Week I remember the times in the Bible and the stories told about you of what you have done during this time. I also love this part of the week because every summer I don't have to go to school which I really hate it before because it means that I have to spend my school vacation working in the farm. I spend every day in my grandparents farm, under the scorching heat and that is every day except when I get sick. When I was still young I really love to get sick. How I wish I have a fever every day so that I could not go to the farm and work. I don't think you know how painful it is seeing that children who is at your age are playing while you are working. I felt envious with my classmates because they are able to do what they love during summer. I get used of the world that you have created for me though, I won't get the things that I love.

I love this week every summer. This is the week where I don't have to work. We just listen to the radio about the last thing that has happened to Your life while you are still here on earth. So you have tasted how cruel the world that you have created? Cruel isn't it? I used to felt pity at You especially on the part where they have to whip at you while carrying the cross. But after the things that I had happened in my life I couldn't help but say that you just get what you deserve. The things that they have done to You were not even enough. If I was there at your time I would be the one will throw the first stone. I would have ask You straight in the face looking at your eyes of why have you not given me any choice? Why have you brought me here on earth and be born and be surrounded by cruel relatives and people? I am sure your answers would not satisfy me. For nothing will satisfy me this time except death. Let me tell You this that what you have suffered there is nothing compared of what You have given to me. Do you still remember the time when my stepfather put my shit inside my mouth? Do you still remember the time when I have to wake up early every weekdays because I have to work in the farm? Do you still remember the time when my grandfather call me useless and dumb? Do you still remember the time that I long for a father? Do you still remember the time when I was wondering where my mother is? Do you still remember the time when my relatives hated me so much because I have to live with my grandparents? Do you still remember the time when I have committed suicide several times yet I failed? Do you still remember the time when I am not allowed to sleep at night because I have to make sure that the basement is not flooded with water? You don't, all that matters to you is whether my friends and other people are happy with the latest Prada collection or if the food in the newly open resto taste good. The things that were done to you is nothing compared to mine.

My classmates when I was still in grade two can still remember that I have been telling them before that I really wanted to die. I do want to die and I still dream about it today. I am not saying that you didn't suffer, you did and I cried before while watching what has been done to you. You have suffered not because of your own actions but to save the people that you love, well if we think about it that is still a decision that you have made. But I just can't really find the reason why I have suffered those things, what have I done to You that You let those things to happen? You have made me a monster. You have turned me into a beast. You have put this hatred inside me that is eating myself and I couldn't even control it. You have put a disease in me which there is no cure. The cruelty that was done to You when You were here is nothing compared of what you have given me.

I can't understand why others have parents and I don't. I can't understand why I can't have toys when I was still young. I can't understand why I have to go to work everyday if I don't have school or if I am not sick. I can't understand why my relatives don't like me because I lived with my grandparents who are so cruel to me anyway. I couldn't understand why You have allowed such things to happen to me. They said that you are a friend, that someone can rely on, well they are nothing but a bunch of liars just like You. You are not good to me. You have never been good to me. Never.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I have read about flooding from a magazine. This is what you do when you feel sad and depress that as a therapy you are going to do things that could make you more sad until the feeling numb. While I was working today I was thinking of doing it, maybe I would prick myself with needles or cut it with knife. I was greeted today at work that my vacation leave was approve, wow! Groundbreaking. This people are really the most incompetent people in the whole wide world. I have colleagues who reported at work and after thirty minutes of working was informed that their leave has been approved, very nice people. Since my vacation leave was approved which means that I don't have to work for four days and what will I do with that four days? Absolutely nothing. I can't go to Boracay since the price of the ticket is like buying the plane itself. Who would enjoy a trip there and you have spent almost half of your monthly pay just for a plane ticket?

I was thinking of doing that flooding thing which I read from a magazine. I should start with killing them all using a bread knife but that would make me happy so it is definitely not the option. And while I have to think of my friends having fun in there that would just make me feel jealous. I just don't know what to do right now. So this is how it feels like that you want to do something and you can't do it. Very frustrating.

My workmate said that Pup told him to ask me if I would like to go with him next weekend. Nothing special though, just the two of us in the beach. I am thinking that he told Pup that I was upset because I was not able to go to Boracay. Honestly, I am scared of going with Pup, I mean not with him personally but of the thought of having a relationship with him. I don't know if I would be a good partner and a lover to him. I just don't know.

Everybody seems to be going on vacation, from my workmates to fellow blogger's. Where are yah heading? Please think of me and bring something when you come back.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

power trip and karma

I just woke up today which seems that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Everything just seems wrong and I really hate, I hate the world. I am suppose to have a vacation in Boracay or Puerto Galera this Holy week and I have been planning this already together with some friends. I have filed already my two day vacation leave since Wednesday and Thursday is my off anyway but when I checked it today my application is still pending. Pending! My gawd! I have filed that almost two weeks ago and more than two weeks ago which I can no longer remember since its really very very old already like eons of times ago and its still pending, gawd ! Is this some kind of a punishment? I just couldn't imagine that while others are having sex in Galera and Boracay that I would be working. Gawd.
This is really very common here that your leave application is sometimes approve on the last minute. And what would I do with that? The prices for the plane ticket is not just fluctuating every hour but every millisecond and it goes higher and higher every second. A ticket price which I could have get for two thousand would now cost me fifteen thousand pesos. I just wonder why there are a lot of people who wants to feel that they are someone who is very important. If I just don't need the money to support for my school and I would have slap them with my immediate resignation. My blood pressure is really rising right now and I am going ballistic. I don't want to make any decisions that I will regret later on. I really wanna try almost everything right now and if a voodoo doll could make this happen I would have done so but even if I use a barbie doll would do nothing to them. I really hate people who are using their power or position to cause misery on others.
On the other hand I am thinking this might be my karma. A very, very bad karma. When I filed for my leave I put in there that it is for a "religious activity" and I was have second thoughts on that because if you start something with a lie and you are aware of it something not good would surely happen but I wasn't thinking that it would be this bad. I wasn't thinking that it would this worst. Amazingly the worst punishment.

Monday, April 6, 2009


I am currently reading Black Beauty by Anna Sewell. I am still about half of it. I am planning to read an average of thirty pages every day so that I would be able to finish reading the book this month. The book is considered a classic as what the covers states, I love the story though. The words were arranged in a way that is easy for me to comprehend. A lesson I've learned so far is that bad behaviors might be a result of bad childhood. It is just so unfair though that there are people that would suffer for the things that they can't control. When I was asked before if God was fair I said no, if I were God I would place a human being in a single place where everybody is equal until reaching a certain age which is 18 years old for example. For eighteen years all would be treated equally with same talents and the same foods available then after eighteen years old then one can choose his destiny, whether he wants to be a painter or what he wants to do in life. It is just so sad that people are not given the same opportunity when they were a child. Other children have enjoyed things which others don't. This is what I remember when while I was reading this book. I also remember that our family has horses and until now they still have them. I haven't ride in a horse though only to a carabao. We have this carabao in my grandparents farm and during summer I stayed in the farm with them. It was a great experience for me and I really missed it now. I was thinking of going back there this Lenten season and maybe try riding on horses.

I received a message from Pup yesterday, he said he really wants to know me more. I like him and that is for sure but I am scared of the idea of having a relationship with someone. I don't want to give up the things that I enjoyed now which I won't enjoy anymore when I am in a relationship, the freedom to flirt without that guilt deep inside you that would haunt you throughout the day and the freedom to go wherever you want to be. I am still confused right now with what decision I have to make but I am enjoying every moment.

I have a chinky friend who wants to try having a double eyelid surgery. I asked him if that is possible for his very chinky eyes he said yes and in fact there are more people who has undergone this type of surgery than going to a dentist, yikes!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

waiting in vain

What do you usually do to avoid being late? I just really hate it when I am late or when somebody is late. I am very particular about being on time. There was this one time when I am supposed to meet a guy and he was arrived thirty minutes late. I don't know but I could really feel my blood pressure rising. I think everybody hates to wait, like in traffic, in grocery stores, I mean everything that has something to do with waiting is something that I really hate.

I was just curious though of what is "waiting in vain" means to others. I often hear this phrase on TV with some girl waiting desperately for his boyfriend, or some group of people waiting for someone. When I think of the phrase of "waiting in vain" something came up in my mind, I consider it a little bit different and a little bit odd. It's just that sometimes when you are really angry and someone for being late that you need to think of something else, something funny that can keep you cool. When I was waiting for someone, I think of this phrase "waiting in vain" and with a slight of gay imagination. I was thinking that when someone said they have been waiting in vain is someone wearing a gown, a white one just like what Taylor Swift wear in her video for "Love Story" and finger nails like of Lady Gaga in her "Poker Face" and a hair dyed like Pink. UGH! I think that looks so nice and desperate. What would happen if when we say we are waiting in vain looks like that?


I met Pup the other day, I got a message from my work mate that they are at my neighbor, Ronald McDonald, I am sure I am gonna miss this very nice neighbor of mine. Anyway Pup is very silent, I was thinking that I turned him off, after we met I received a message from him stating that he was sorry if he was just silent most of the time because he was just observing me. Pup looks like your guy next door. Not that cute but there is something in him, very warm, very friendly. Just the same as your guy next door, not so cute but very friendly and you have that feeling that you are safe when he is around. My work mate said that Pup likes me. I don't know how to react about this. He asked me if I am in a relationship, it was just a question from him but it gives me an erection just thinking about the proposal. I don/t think this is normal.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I evaluated my self of what have I accomplished last month. I haven't finish reading my book of the month which is just a very thin one that would only take hours for others to read. I only read a few pages of the book, its about Kino and his pearl. The book was written by John Steinbeck.

I haven't transferred to my new pad yet. It was located in the heart of the slum. I paid a month in advance already since i have paid already for my current place until may so i still have a lot of time to move my stuff. I am going to miss my place when I move. Leaving this place is very hard for me but I have to do it due to my financial needs. But I just love my current place so much, I mean gawd for Christ sake I have such hottie housemates and your boy next door is someone that could satisfy your very basic needs and they are Jollibee and McDonalds. I am going to miss this neighbors, they are very nice neighbors.

I was supposed to jog at least once a week and swim at least twice a month but I only jog around 3 times and never get a chance to wet myself in the pool. it has been a very long time already since I played basketball, the last time I played soccer was when I was in high school. That was like eons of times ago. on the other hand i was able to finish more than half of my school requirements. I just hope I didn't flunk. Again.

Last February I have written 13 blog entries and now its at 14 which is an improvement if we look into the numbers. I haven't noticed my grammar has improve though or that my ability to express my thoughts in words. I am a funny person and I just love to hear jokes and just laugh out loud but when I read my entries its so dull. I guess I would have to learn to be funny in writing or on how to express my ideas flawlessly.

I was also able to save a few bucks and the digits in my bank account has changed and the numbers increased even in times of recession. I would have to believe to what others said that a lazy person is always in crisis. I would say in some point yes and sometimes proper budgeting would do a great help too.

I haven't accomplish half of what I have listed that I would have to do last month. Watching old movies of Kris Aquino I would say that her performance really sucks but mine for last month is worst.

I don't know if I am in love with Pup, we are still exchanging text messages. I received a messages from him almost every hour if he is awake. We haven't talk about sex either, its just about movies and stuff but I didn't find it boring. I enjoyed every bit of our messages.


The space function is now working. I don't know how. Maybe the google or the blogger team read my posts and so they fixed it. What do you think? Anyway, I would like to thank the Google or the Blogger team for doing. I lav yah guys! More power!


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Oh! The hair!

Last night a friend of mine sent me asked if we can go out and have some fun. I was in the mood last night to went out, I love going out during weekdays. One thing I love about the clubs during weekdays is that you meet people who are somehow professional and not just some brats. The bad thing of going out during weekends is that mostly though there are some people who are working in offices who also wants to have a great time but most of them are students or if luck is not in your side you'll meet your helper, I have nothing against them. I am a student and I am not rich too. Anyway when I don't remember the time when I hit the sack but when I woke up today it was around ten in the morning already. Since its my off today and I don't have to go to school too I was thinking about the things that I would do today. I decided I need to have my hair cut, my workmates said that its a bit long already. I only knew a few hairstyles which I don't look good at them either, I can name a few like bob cut, crew cut or shaved. First I went to David's, I don't spend that much for a haircut or I think for anything at all but this time I think I need to look good. They only have one stylist the receptionist said and I said that I will just wait. The girl asked again if I am I can wait because their stylist is doing a relax and I assured her that its definitely fine with me. I asked her how long will it take then she said that about four hours, I was really shocked. Four hours for a hair relax? I couldn't imagine people can stay that long in salon just for their hair. I mean after a few shampoo the effect of it would be gone anyway. Just the sight of a salon makes me sick and others would stay there for four hours just for a relax. Well I am not really sure how will a hair look after a relax, I don't have a girlfriend obviously and I don't think a boy or a gay guy would need a relax. That must be very expensive. Oh! My Gawd!

I went to another salon and the stylist asked what kind of hairstyle would I like. I don't know any hairstyle, I just want it short that it would still look fine even without combing, I answered. Obviously I don't spend that much in front of a mirror, I find it a waste of time but I want to look good, I think I'm just too lazy. I really find having a haircut too dreadful. I don't know if its only me, I'd rather work than have haircut.
I'm still exchanging messages with him. I think he is living a very boring life, I don't know. My life is a little bit boring and very dull and sad too. I'm hoping to meet him one day. I haven't asked if he still remembers how I look. I don't know how he looks either. His taller than me, his 5'11". That's a man. But I am not giving anything, I just don't believe in happy ending these days.
I just found out what is the term they used for this problem that I am having right now. They call it line breaks. I've checked on the settings already and it shows "yes" in there but I just wondered why when I published my post the result is a big NO for the line breaks. I tried to preview this post and I guess its working now, but there are times it doesn't.