Thursday, April 9, 2009

Dear God,

Almost every Holy Week I remember the times in the Bible and the stories told about you of what you have done during this time. I also love this part of the week because every summer I don't have to go to school which I really hate it before because it means that I have to spend my school vacation working in the farm. I spend every day in my grandparents farm, under the scorching heat and that is every day except when I get sick. When I was still young I really love to get sick. How I wish I have a fever every day so that I could not go to the farm and work. I don't think you know how painful it is seeing that children who is at your age are playing while you are working. I felt envious with my classmates because they are able to do what they love during summer. I get used of the world that you have created for me though, I won't get the things that I love.

I love this week every summer. This is the week where I don't have to work. We just listen to the radio about the last thing that has happened to Your life while you are still here on earth. So you have tasted how cruel the world that you have created? Cruel isn't it? I used to felt pity at You especially on the part where they have to whip at you while carrying the cross. But after the things that I had happened in my life I couldn't help but say that you just get what you deserve. The things that they have done to You were not even enough. If I was there at your time I would be the one will throw the first stone. I would have ask You straight in the face looking at your eyes of why have you not given me any choice? Why have you brought me here on earth and be born and be surrounded by cruel relatives and people? I am sure your answers would not satisfy me. For nothing will satisfy me this time except death. Let me tell You this that what you have suffered there is nothing compared of what You have given to me. Do you still remember the time when my stepfather put my shit inside my mouth? Do you still remember the time when I have to wake up early every weekdays because I have to work in the farm? Do you still remember the time when my grandfather call me useless and dumb? Do you still remember the time that I long for a father? Do you still remember the time when I was wondering where my mother is? Do you still remember the time when my relatives hated me so much because I have to live with my grandparents? Do you still remember the time when I have committed suicide several times yet I failed? Do you still remember the time when I am not allowed to sleep at night because I have to make sure that the basement is not flooded with water? You don't, all that matters to you is whether my friends and other people are happy with the latest Prada collection or if the food in the newly open resto taste good. The things that were done to you is nothing compared to mine.

My classmates when I was still in grade two can still remember that I have been telling them before that I really wanted to die. I do want to die and I still dream about it today. I am not saying that you didn't suffer, you did and I cried before while watching what has been done to you. You have suffered not because of your own actions but to save the people that you love, well if we think about it that is still a decision that you have made. But I just can't really find the reason why I have suffered those things, what have I done to You that You let those things to happen? You have made me a monster. You have turned me into a beast. You have put this hatred inside me that is eating myself and I couldn't even control it. You have put a disease in me which there is no cure. The cruelty that was done to You when You were here is nothing compared of what you have given me.

I can't understand why others have parents and I don't. I can't understand why I can't have toys when I was still young. I can't understand why I have to go to work everyday if I don't have school or if I am not sick. I can't understand why my relatives don't like me because I lived with my grandparents who are so cruel to me anyway. I couldn't understand why You have allowed such things to happen to me. They said that you are a friend, that someone can rely on, well they are nothing but a bunch of liars just like You. You are not good to me. You have never been good to me. Never.



  1. i don't know anything about your situation, at all. and i am not intending to answer for god -- especially since i'm a buddhist. i can say though that if we were to shield the mountains from the wind and rain, they would not reveal to us their beauty.

  2. shouldnt HE be helping you then if you were through the rough times too? I asked those questions too when I was still Catholic, but realized-I was just talking to the wind...

    I can relate to Why didn't I had a father like everyone else and have a complete family that would always go out on trips.......

    *HUGS* sweetie, you'll get through this-i know you can :)

  3. Don't you think "never been good to me" is quite a harsh thing to say?

    One thing I'd say though is stop comparing yourself with others because you'll always find something that they have which you don't.

    life's too short to complain about things that's already done with. It's just attracting more negative energy your way.

    Try appreciating the good things life brings us. It will surprise you to find out na marami ding nangyayaring maganda sa buhay mo.. Don't focus on the problems.. yun lang.