Results of flooding

I haven't talked with my colleagues at work for about two days now. I don't know how long will my silent treatment towards them will last. But as of the moment I don't want to talk to any of them. One of my workmates tried to call me but I declined his calls. I know that Pup is with him, his been talking about it at work about having a double date with Pup. I can't imagine myself surrounded with lovers while me and Pup is also having a candlelight dinner with them. I was thinking that maybe its not yet the right time for me to have a boyfriend. I still have a lot of problems to deal with. How I wish and hope that I would meet Pup in a different time. Not this time. I am just full of hatred, anger and a lot of negative emotions that I sometimes lose control of myself. I sometimes don't know who I am. Sometimes I am this happy, perky person but most of the time I am this sad little fellow who wants to be in the dark, in the corner. I like Pup so much, I can't just say right now that I love him but I think I am in love but this is not just the right time.


I have been reading self-help books and most of them is about positive thinking, dreaming and believing about it. But no matter how I tried I just can't. I think that the best thing is just to accept reality as it is. That might help me to move on. Life is cruel and I must accept it that it is the truth rather than denying it myself and pretending that life is fair and wonderful. I must have to accept reality and this world has nothing to offer to me. That this world was not created for me to enjoy but to suffer so that other people will realize of how good God is to them. Accepting this reality is hard but I have to. I must not live with lies or fantasies. Reality to me is cruel just like God but I have to accept it and moved on.


Pup I know that you won't be able to read this message. But I just want you to know that I am very happy of once meeting you in my life. Honestly, I am crying while writing this. I have made this decision because I can't be a good partner to you. You are just so nice that you deserve someone better, someone not me. I want you to be happy Pup and that is something that I can't give. I would love to meet you one day at a different time. I hope I would. I have known you only for a very short time but I will treasure. You have given me a great treasure that I will not allow anyone to take it from me. Not even God.


I have tried flooding today. You know that technique in psychology that you allow sorrow-causing stimuli and that is what I have done. I don't think it was a good idea but after a bunch of tears I felt much better. I might have made decisions that I will regret in the future like not answering Pup's calls but I think as of this time this is what I really need. I remembered events in my life that has caused me great pain and after remember them and I think about it again the feeling hollow. I felt a sort of numbness. I could look at someone dying right now and won't get affected. I could look at someone right now being cut using a bread knife and that would not stir me but I don't advise someone to try flooding though except if you have lots of tissues and hankies.