Sunday, April 26, 2009

curse of the gift

I always thought of committing suicide almost everyday. I just can't help to think of how wonderful will that be to be dead. You will no longer have to bear the burden of waking up each day to go to work, you don't have to think anymore about how to live and solve your problems. I think we can find equality once we are dead. Life is not fair but I think death is. How wonderful will that be that you don't feel anymore pain. Oh, how I wish that I can drop dead right now any minute. How wonderful.

I just wonder why people consider suicide a great sin. If God has given you life without even asking permission from you whether you want to live or not then why should it be a sin to end it? Not all things that you give to someone is useful. Same as not all consider life as a gift, for me its a curse, a curse for something I didn't know why I was given this curse. If life is a gift then why is it that I am or others are in pain because we are still alive? Maybe not all gifts could bring happiness, some of them brings you sorrow. We should think carefully next time if we give a gift to someone if that gift would bring happiness or not.

Before I separated my life completely with God I asked him everyday if He could shown a little mercy to me and take this curse away, take this life and let me be free from sorrow. But I heard no answer from him, He didn't even care about it. When I got German measles a year ago I decided not to go to a doctor instead I locked myself in my room with two loaves bread and a jar of peanut butter. How I wish that it was the end of my days. That I would die peacefully but instead I wake up each day with more pain. I think to myself of how cruel is God that he answered prayers of others which cost millions like a yacht, a Mercedes Benz, and many others and didn't bother to answer mine. Several times I have attempted suicide but each time I failed until I gave up. I am thinking maybe God is happy to see other people in pain, maybe that would brought Him so much joy. I am sure that if he look out of what is happening to me now would bring too much joy to Him, I am sure He is very happy if He will only look out of what is happening into my life now only that He is not yet satisfied.


  1. what wont kill you will only make you stronger..

    hold on to your faith kiddo. the road maybe rough but the ride is worth the time.

    though death may bring equality, living life is still the best thing to do.. tests are there to strengthen you and before you know it, the storm has passed.


  2. You're pessimistic attitude and mentality might be the cause of why you appear so problematic in life. Only God can fill your emptiness and depression.

    Chillax. Masyado ka atang nag-papaapekto sa mga nangyayari sa paligid mo..

    Yes, life is a gift.. kaya nga dapat di ba you should cherish it.. You should be grateful. Maraming tao jan, gusto pang mabuhay pero namamatay na..

    Life is a choice. Happiness is a choice.

  3. haha di ako makapag-comment nang maayos...

    dahil alam mong pessimist din ako at dating may ganyang litanya...

    baka pag nagkita tayo isang araw puro problema ang pag-usapan natin tapos sabay talon sa ilog pasig hehe

    mmmm... sometimes, makakatulong ang pag-iyak sa problema

  4. a well-written discourse on the struggle for control over one's life, which i will not cheapen by telling you things like, life is beautiful, etc. i respect your opinions, man...

  5. i love how you get this so.....pumped-up with suicide as its topic. we have the same views, but i already gave up on suicide months ago.

    if you really think about it, you're not the only one getting through this. actually, there are more who go through the worsssssst of shits and still find happiness in their life.

    i go to this squatter's area every sunday and socialize with this people, and you know what? smiles are always on their faces despite their dozenssss of problems. from not even getting much food a day nor even go to school or have the chance to work...

    tama si Anony guy. Happiness is a choice. As an atheist, i wouldnt really have my life depend on someone [god]-I know that im only going to live once and I just can't let myself feel shitty with the problems I've gone through.

    i wanna let you know, despite saying you're a loner and all. that i want to meet you and give you one big bear hug! which I hope will make you feel better...

    Hugs makes me happy :)

    Don't let go of your life. You're precious. I wouldn't have your blog to wait everyday na if you'll leave. I wont have anyone to e-mail every now and then when you leave.

    :) You can get through this. I know you can, sweetie.


  6. to all: of course not all of my days are bad, sometimes i find joy while watching the sunset but still i wish that it would be my last time here on earth. I just find it unfair though that i was brought here, on this world and I didn't even ask for it in the first place

  7. i am ctually glad you talked about suicide. LOL. those who are most likely to do the act are those who don't talk about it.

    i have also been thinking along the same lines, and lest I tend more towards actually doing the act, i think i need to write about it soon as well.

  8. NO! :c don't do it! everything has a purpose. i blog mo nalang! :c

  9. until you make the conscious choice to live and accept responsibility for that choice, you will suffer in this way.

  10. @line of light: if i was only given a chance to choose, living is not one of them

  11. you may believe that, but that is not the case. the fact that you are alive is a choice. you could always stop eating, drinking, moving, etc.,. but you participate very actively in the continuation of your life, and in that way, you are responsible for your living. i suspect that if you can come to terms with this responsibility, i suspect that you might not suffer in this way.

  12. You always have a choice. MAke the most of it.. Darating ang araw na wala ka nang magagwa sa bawat mangyayari sa'yo..

    Live and be happy.