I always thought of committing suicide almost everyday. I just can't help to think of how wonderful will that be to be dead. You will no longer have to bear the burden of waking up each day to go to work, you don't have to think anymore about how to live and solve your problems. I think we can find equality once we are dead. Life is not fair but I think death is. How wonderful will that be that you don't feel anymore pain. Oh, how I wish that I can drop dead right now any minute. How wonderful.
I just wonder why people consider suicide a great sin. If God has given you life without even asking permission from you whether you want to live or not then why should it be a sin to end it? Not all things that you give to someone is useful. Same as not all consider life as a gift, for me its a curse, a curse for something I didn't know why I was given this curse. If life is a gift then why is it that I am or others are in pain because we are still alive? Maybe not all gifts could bring happiness, some of them brings you sorrow. We should think carefully next time if we give a gift to someone if that gift would bring happiness or not.
Before I separated my life completely with God I asked him everyday if He could shown a little mercy to me and take this curse away, take this life and let me be free from sorrow. But I heard no answer from him, He didn't even care about it. When I got German measles a year ago I decided not to go to a doctor instead I locked myself in my room with two loaves bread and a jar of peanut butter. How I wish that it was the end of my days. That I would die peacefully but instead I wake up each day with more pain. I think to myself of how cruel is God that he answered prayers of others which cost millions like a yacht, a Mercedes Benz, and many others and didn't bother to answer mine. Several times I have attempted suicide but each time I failed until I gave up. I am thinking maybe God is happy to see other people in pain, maybe that would brought Him so much joy. I am sure that if he look out of what is happening to me now would bring too much joy to Him, I am sure He is very happy if He will only look out of what is happening into my life now only that He is not yet satisfied.