Tuesday, June 30, 2009

the pay

I hardly feel my pay for this period. Two of my friends borrowed more than half of it. I feel so angry towards them of how they don't or they can't manage their finances. How I wish I can slap them to let them know that I also have things to buy or I just wanna save the money. I can't say no to them for they know that I have I something that I can lend. And that is without any interest and they promised to pay me back in full after two months.

I sometimes evaluate my relationship with them. I don't want to sound bad or that I am counting every favor that I have done for them but its just the truth. I couldn't remember a single event in my life that I have borrowed money from them. I don't even asked a favor from them. I sometimes think of what is the use of having them as my friends. I come to think that my life would have been stress-free without them. All that I have been hearing from them are their problems, this and that and I don't feel that they even bother about how I feel. All that they think of is that how lucky I am because I don't spend that much, of course I don't. For I don't live a life beyond my means.

I'm thinking of maybe next time I would let them borrow money but with interest this time. It would be a nice investment too. I just don't think that I have invested wisely on my friendship with them.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

living for now

Some studies said that there are five stages of grief. I don't know why but I guess I have his feeling of loss from everything. From my childhood to things that are given to others and I don't have. But on the second-hand, I don't lost these things, for they have never been mine.

It has been a long time already that I have taken care of myself. I have promised to play basketball with a friend and when we checked of how much is the price to rent a court we just decided to play badminton instead. It's really funny though the life here in the city. From where I grew up, basketball is what we play if we don't have money. We just played beside the street or cheap basketball courts and I used to see those rich-born kids playing badminton and tennis. And here its the reverse thing that happens, if we don't have much money we play badminton. The world never stops to amaze me.

I went jogging last Friday morning while listening to an audio book that I have downloaded from Librivox. There are still a few best things in the world that you can enjoy for free. It was on this part when the author realized about the secret of happiness. And that is living of what is now, living for the moment and making the most out of it. Others don't live, they race. They race for reaching their dreams which are far in the horizon and then they realized one day that they are old and whether they have reach their dreams or not doesn't matter anymore. And all the feeling that was left for them is loneliness, sorrow and all those things for the time that has passed and they never enjoyed life. This part is where I stop and think. Maybe the author was right. I imagine myself that I am very successful and I have the things that I have dreamed of, and then what?

Monday, June 22, 2009


I've been thinking of moving to a different place. I have been thinking that I would be fine wherever I live. I don't have a family from where I am living right now too. Its been years already since I last saw them and I don't have any plans of seeing them again. I have been thinking before of going out of the country but when I think of what happened to those people who works abroad including my relatives saddens me. I don't get much out of life and when I hear stories about them I might not have any life at all if I work abroad. It seems that their life there if just all about money. It seems that life abroad is all about work and how to earn money. I need money, lots of money but I don't want my life to revolve in just earning money.

I've been thinking of moving in the northern part or the country. I can take advantage of these BPO companies that are sprouting like mushrooms, a callcenter agent maybe. The pay is not that bad at all and I can go to school at the same time. In a place where thousands of people occupies a per mile area. Where I can live and exist as if I'm a ghost and I can live a life that I have been dreaming of, be invisible. In a place where everybody is busy trying to live their own life.

It seems that I need to have a new environment. I have been seeing the same people for a long time already. The problem with seeing the same people almost everyday is that they started to become a part of my life. I started to be attached with them. I know from experience that they won't stay forever with you and you can't be with them forever and everytime they left would take me weeks or months from my life of getting normal again. And then one day you bump into each other in some place and you don't remember this person anymore. You even forgotten the name of that person where in years ago who you have cried when that person left. Or the worst thing might have happen if you are seeing the same person each day they would try to change you into something that you are not. I experienced this before, for a few weeks everything went smoothly and then one day they asked why I am like this and why I acted like that. When you get attached to someone they would somehow take your identity, take that something in you that makes you unique from the rest. They would take every little piece that makes you unique and change you into something you're not but what the group considered as acceptable.

I am planning to move next year after I get my thirteenth month pay. That would also give me extra time to prepare and save. I was very much inspired while listening to Miley Cyrus. I thought she was right. Most events that I remembered in my life are not those times that I have eaten ice cream or drinking coffee with marshmallows while watching the rain. But those are the times of my life when I spent the night alone in the hospital because I was sick, when I have to locked myself in my room when I got German measles, those times when I watched others eat when I was so hungry, the times when others played while I have to worked in the farm.
I am so excited. I can't wait for this year to be over. I would be starting a new life. Something better than where I am right now.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

father's day

Before this month ends two people that I personally knew lost their fathers. One thing that I could be thankful about my situation right now is that I am done of grieving. I can imagine if all my relatives would be dead and I don't think I can shed a single tear. I have grieved of them already. I had accepted the fact that they are already dead and gone. Either they are dead or alive doesn't matter to me anymore.

I was 18 years old when the first time that I met my father. I have so much expectation before of having a father. I used to hear stories from my classmates and children of my age before of how their father helped them in every possible way. I used to think that fathers are like superheroes with endless powers of protecting their children or someone they love. I dreamed of having one. A father that can protect me, a father than can help me achieve my dreams in life. As I grew up though I have learned to defend myself, I have learned to achieve my dreams in life alone. I can't remember how many times I have cried to God for me to meet my father. How I prayed so hard when I was still young for a father. I used to imagine that he is a rich man, powerful, strong and can defend me. I envied those children who go out fishing with their fathers or those who experienced how to be loved by a father.

When I met my father the first time, I thought that it would be a happy ending for me. Even though he was extremely late and I have managed to survive through the toughest part of my life I still need one, even up to now. When I met him all my hopes of a father vanished. He is a man of no dreams for me but for his new family. He make phone calls to his two children everyday. We didn't even talked about my school or about my financial needs. After a few years, I had the chance of seeing him with his family. They have almost everything that I have dreamed of when I was still a kid. A school with a school bus, my father plays with them, treat them to movies and provided them counsel with their decisions.

At my age right now I could say that I still needed a father, somehow I managed to survive each day. It was a year ago when my grandfather passed away too. To my grandfather, everything than I have done is wrong or did not meet his expectation. His only wished that I could think of that I was able to fulfill was when he died he said that none of us should cry. I didn't. I tried to think of events or things that we did together that I was happy that would make me miss him but there was none. I even called my friend and said that I was so sad because I don't feel any sadness with his death. I had live with my grandparents for almost more than five years. It was him who sends me to the farm every weekends and during summer vacations while children of my age play. It was because of him that I love going to school because I hated the farm so much. I hated working under the heat of the sun. But I remembered my aunts and uncles ran to him for advise even at their age. Even though they had families already the still asked advise from my grandfather.

At this time I would say that my edge of not having a father is that not missing it. One shouldn't miss what one didn't have. Also while others grieved when they lost their father I don't. While their worlds crashed when their fathers left them and they're trying to rebuild their life without their father, I on the other hand started a life from the very start without it. It must be very hard for them aside from losing their father, this is the month that father's day is celebrated. But the would managed to survive, of course, after all, their fathers taught them to be strong and they have something that I don't - memories of having a father.

Friday, June 19, 2009

that guy

I am deeply troubled these past few days. It was about this guy whom I am so attracted to. Every time I see him or think of him, I have this feeling that you just want the time to stop or spend the rest of your life together with him. I am happy every time I am with him. He is that type of guy who just light up all my circuits. But there is one thing that I have been looking for a guy that he doesn't have. He don't have any dreams in life. I don't want to settle with a guy who prefers to sit in front of a computer and plays those boring computer games. I want a guy who loves to play badminton, basketball, soccer and someone who dreams big in life. There are other guys out there but I just don't feel the same when I'm with him.

He doesn't go to school anymore. He has a job though but not stable. I asked him if he wanted to finish school or if he has some dreams of getting a better job but he seems not interested. I don't want spend my life watching life happens, I want to go out there and make life happens and that I also want in a guy. I understand why he is feeling that way but considering from where I started he has a better life than me.

I am not looking for a guy who is a millionaire or someone from a well-family. Most of them thinks that world a lot and they failed to recognized that what makes the prize worth it is the journey. I want a guy who is just within my league but someone who dreams. Someone like me who also dreams to be better each day. Someone that who I can celebrate every success of my life. I am not a career obsessed person. I love spongebob, I even like Barney. I also want to have a good laugh and enjoy life but I also have a big dream.

But I just can't understand that no matter how I tried to forget him, I just can't. There is something in him that is so special for me that I just can't explain. I don't know if this is love all I know is love isn't the only ingredient in a relationship.

Monday, June 15, 2009

my lending power

One thing that I don't like is borrowing money or something from other people. I hate to ask someone for a favor like to get coffee or something. As much as possible I avoided asking help from people. But I wonder why I am treated like a slave by other people. They are always asking for help, to do this and to do that.

There are people who are calling and texting me to borrow money. The problem is they ask me if I have some money and I don't want to lie to them. I can't say no to them. I don't have the strength to say no or to say that I need to buy something. Theirs are needs and mine are just wants. I don't want to blame them for whatever situation they have right now. But some of them just lack proper financial management. We are earning the same salary and yet they can't manage their pay to meet their needs. Their needs are somewhat too much. My wants are needs to them already. And they ran at me to let them borrow some money, some of them don't pay me back. When someone borrows money from me I don't expect that they pay me back. I already put it in my mind that its something that was lost already or something like paying to this world for letting me stay or giving me life. I consider it a payment for the air that I breath, the sunlight, the chirping of the birds and just for the reason that I live.

I always remember the words of my uncle even if I wasn't treated nicely. He said that you have to established your business first or your source of income before dreaming of those luxury cars and mansions. He said that if I am an employee I should not build a house first but instead a nice bed. Those with nice pillows and comforters since you spend most of your lifetime on your bed. Invest in the place where you regain your strength and you enjoy your dreams. But as much as possible don't spend too much time sleeping. Think of sleeping as a luxury, which I think is indeed a luxury at this time.

I just wonder why there are some people who thinks that they must have those expensive things. People who thinks that having a luxurious lifestyle is their birthright. I don't consider myself as one of them. And that I realize even when I was still young. I realize that being given the chance to live in this world is like a debt that I have to repay. Living with them makes me feel that I don't belong with them and that until now I still feel that I don't have the right to be here in this world. I just wonder why others don't feel the same as I do.

Monday, June 8, 2009

to eat

I consider eating a task rather than a privileged. I have friends that consider eating a part of their lifestyle. Something like we have to know the food that they eat and where they eat. When they talked about food I got out of place. I could not relate to what they are talking about. I know that these particular place serves great food because I heard it from them. Whenever I eat I can only tell whether the food is too sweet, sour, bitter, salty or a combination of both. It's hard for me to tell if a food is delicious or not, I can only tell whether it can be eaten or not.

I am grateful that I can buy the foods that I wanted to eat. When I was still living with my relatives I used to be the last person to eat. So whatever was left, I eat. Sometimes it was not enough for me and I always asked for when will be the time that I can buy food that I wanted to eat. You know that phrase they said "eat your heart out" something like that. And now I can buy the foods that I wanted but I don't want them anymore. Ever since I don't like eating. Every time I eat I always think of how hard it is to prepare this meal and the dishes after and so on.

Since then I always look for alternatives on how I can survive a day without eating. I used to have candies in my pocket to provide me with the energy I need everyday. I had a room mate once and he said that some marines or those people who work in the navy take some capsules that helps them from not getting hungry. How I wish that eating a meal can be reduced by just taking a pill.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

dreams do come true... sometimes

Almost three years ago I had an online affair with this guy. He is goodlooking, 5'6" and 120lbs. I am very particular in terms of height and weight. I don't know why but I don't like guys who are taller than 5'7" and those who weighs more than 140lbs. We never had the chance to meet. We don't have a common day off, we don't have the time. I saved his pictures in my inbox. Suddenly our communication stopped. I don't know what happened. It just ended for no reason at all. I still kept his pictures.

Last Saturday I have to finish some works and I rushed to a nearby internet cafe. I logged in to mIRC and browse some channels. Nothing much has change. Still the same people, looking for sex, partners and some possible relationships. Then there was this guy who caught my interest. We exchange stats and then I asked for his picture. It was the same picture that is still in my inbox up to this date. It was a picture of a someone I call my dream guy. Years has passed and he still didn't have a new picture, I wondered. Anyway, we decided to meet. He ended up sleeping at my place and we watched The Sound of Music.

I can't help but smile that we were able to manage to have sex while watching The Sound of Music, I don't have any porn movies either but he didn't complain. We agreed to wake up at around eight in the morning but by the time he woke up it was already past three in the afternoon. I have to rushed since I still have to go to work. I didn't asked for his number, I only got his first name. I don't have any plans of doing it the second time with him either. What happened between the two of us is enough for me. I went to work singing Do Re Mi with a smile on my face.

Monday, June 1, 2009

shall I stop doing good?

I wonder of what is wrong with today's generation or was I just too old fashioned. It seems that if you are do a good deed today you are being ridiculed and for you to have friends you have to do something bad. I want to be recognize and I want to be different than anyone else just like what everybody wants. We all wanted to be different from the other person. We want to be unique. But sometimes we tend to be lost or either we have different interpretation of how to be different.

I just find that society has changed a lot. I feel like so much of a stranger. In the workplace, my colleagues cheer to those whose performance are so poor and they take pride of it. If someone is always late they seem to do it more often and brag about it. I feel lost when I tried to weigh things if they just want to make a difference or simply misbehaving. I don't know if these words go together.

I have friends who are in debt to the point that they are unable to pay it. They seem happy and proud of. I have a friend who was given four credit cards and she maxed them all and didn't pay it.

It seems that today if you are dumb or beyond the norms you are in. Society has been like this before. But to how far shall we push these boundaries?