Saturday, June 20, 2009

father's day

Before this month ends two people that I personally knew lost their fathers. One thing that I could be thankful about my situation right now is that I am done of grieving. I can imagine if all my relatives would be dead and I don't think I can shed a single tear. I have grieved of them already. I had accepted the fact that they are already dead and gone. Either they are dead or alive doesn't matter to me anymore.

I was 18 years old when the first time that I met my father. I have so much expectation before of having a father. I used to hear stories from my classmates and children of my age before of how their father helped them in every possible way. I used to think that fathers are like superheroes with endless powers of protecting their children or someone they love. I dreamed of having one. A father that can protect me, a father than can help me achieve my dreams in life. As I grew up though I have learned to defend myself, I have learned to achieve my dreams in life alone. I can't remember how many times I have cried to God for me to meet my father. How I prayed so hard when I was still young for a father. I used to imagine that he is a rich man, powerful, strong and can defend me. I envied those children who go out fishing with their fathers or those who experienced how to be loved by a father.

When I met my father the first time, I thought that it would be a happy ending for me. Even though he was extremely late and I have managed to survive through the toughest part of my life I still need one, even up to now. When I met him all my hopes of a father vanished. He is a man of no dreams for me but for his new family. He make phone calls to his two children everyday. We didn't even talked about my school or about my financial needs. After a few years, I had the chance of seeing him with his family. They have almost everything that I have dreamed of when I was still a kid. A school with a school bus, my father plays with them, treat them to movies and provided them counsel with their decisions.

At my age right now I could say that I still needed a father, somehow I managed to survive each day. It was a year ago when my grandfather passed away too. To my grandfather, everything than I have done is wrong or did not meet his expectation. His only wished that I could think of that I was able to fulfill was when he died he said that none of us should cry. I didn't. I tried to think of events or things that we did together that I was happy that would make me miss him but there was none. I even called my friend and said that I was so sad because I don't feel any sadness with his death. I had live with my grandparents for almost more than five years. It was him who sends me to the farm every weekends and during summer vacations while children of my age play. It was because of him that I love going to school because I hated the farm so much. I hated working under the heat of the sun. But I remembered my aunts and uncles ran to him for advise even at their age. Even though they had families already the still asked advise from my grandfather.

At this time I would say that my edge of not having a father is that not missing it. One shouldn't miss what one didn't have. Also while others grieved when they lost their father I don't. While their worlds crashed when their fathers left them and they're trying to rebuild their life without their father, I on the other hand started a life from the very start without it. It must be very hard for them aside from losing their father, this is the month that father's day is celebrated. But the would managed to survive, of course, after all, their fathers taught them to be strong and they have something that I don't - memories of having a father.

1 comment :

  1. i can totally relate to you. happy fatherless day to both of us. cheers! :)

    its all about the perspective ;-)