Christmas was finally over

Finally Christmas was over. This Christmas didn't end up a disaster compared to the others. It is more of a cultural celebration now to me rather than a religious celebration. My family do not generally celebrate Christmas, coming from a family of mix religions tracing our ancestry to have some Muslim blood is pretty normal.

I would say that my Christmas last year was wonderful compared to this year. I went to Baguio last year and spent the Holiday with Mr. PMAer who was not only good in bed but has a body to die for. Weeks after we meet I still gets a hard on overtime I thnk of him. I wonder why my relationships do not lasts. Well, he has some commitments to his family and I don't want him caught in between me and his family. As much as possible I wanted an independent guy, someone that would help his family when he can but put himself first rather than his family.  Or maybe he just lacks financial planning, I don't know.

So last night, instead of spending Christmas alone and be sad, I've made a choice to be merry. I wanted to go to Bed or to a bar somewhere in Malate and get drunk but I then on the second thought I just wanted to be in a place that is a little bit quite yet exciting so I went to F. The place is not really for those who are too OC about cleanliness and stuff. The place looks old, dirty and ill-maintained.

It was my second time to be there. When I first went there it was with a guy whom I met online. My first visit was wonderful, I was such a whore that night and ended with three different guys. But you just really have to be careful and play safe.  So last night with high spirits and I went there and I was disappointed. I would say that I am one of the billions of people who walk this Earth everyday and have high regards on look rather than intellect or other aspects. I am not good looking, I am not a head turner but I do not settle for someone that I do not find good looking.

While I was cruising the place though I learned some lessons. When I arrived in the place there was this not-so-cute almost effeminate guy who's hitting on me. After that there was this kinda-ok guy however I did not return their advances because I was hoping that someone better would come along the way. But I was disappointed, it turned out that there are already the best looking guys that night for me. This incident has put my decision making skill to test. I remember a story from a book about a person who was walking in a corn field. He has to walk in the corn field and pick up the one that has the biggest ear but once he passed on the row he can never go back. The first row of corns has big ears but he continued because he could not decide if whether he has to pick it or not, on and on he went and the corn ears becomes smaller and smaller until he was on the last row which has the smallest ears.

I felt that I was that guy who could not decide on things because I was hoping for something better. Maybe the Greeks were right, the reason why Hope was the last thing that went out from Pandora's box when all evil was released because it is the most evil of all. It prolongs agony and it clouds decision making.  Or was it karma? 

missing home, finally

I just got back from a very long vacation. I remember how sad I was to go on vacation since I thought it was just a waste of time. I miss my grandmother and my mother is there too. I am not really close to any of my relatives and I have no plans before of getting close to them either.  However, I already paid for my ticket and I can no longer cancel my application for my leave.

But last night I felt like crying when I arrived in Manila. I want to stay there forever and abandon what I have here, which is almost worthless by the way. I don't have much friends here but there I found joy in being with my relatives. People changed just like me and them. I started liking them more. I wanted to cry but since I haven't cried for a long time that I already had forgotten how to. I felt like turned into a stone that only a great emotion could awaken me and put tears on my eyes. Yet, I feel so lonely right now, I feel like going to church or do something. 

I have uploaded some of the pictures I've taken from home. I love waking up in the morning before I jog looking at these scenery.

am I willing to assist?

I was boarded on a plane when the flight attendant informed me that I was seated in the emergency exit and if an emergency arises she asked if I am willing to assist. I was thinking OMG! Why on Earth would I do that? I shall save my self first if ever that happens so I immediately said no and transfer me to another seat.

She then asked a foreigner in front me and he answered yes to her question. I then asked her what she meant by assist because I was thinking I would be the one to make sure that everybody gets out and I would be shouting telling everyone to calm down and I got everything under control and that we are not going to die. She said that I just have to open the door and exit. HA! In that case I asked her that I will be the first one to get out of the plane then, she said yes and further explains that what she meant by assist is just to open the door. Oh, that was easy, I thought. Also, the fact that I would be the first one to get out of the plane if ever an emergency happens is good rather than I have to squeezed myself with others trying to get out first. I then told her that I changed my mind and I am willing to assist if that is just by opening the door and I exit after. 

will be talking soon

Finally, if I'm not gonna change my mind I will be graduating next year. The past few months had been very busy and challenging for me. I have to study for my lessons then report to work and my language class. Mysteriously I was able to get up the next day doing these things again. I'm having trouble with my language class and to add to that my language teacher is not using English when she is teaching us. She said that in order for us to learn the language we should not translate from English to this language since they are totally different. She added that just like when we were babies and we are about to learn our first language, in should be in that way of how we will acquire a second language. So here I am like a baby with books about the language and not understanding them. Gawd, I couldn't even say "meemaw" yet, I'm still a baby and all I did is laugh and cry, just like a baby indeed.

I am jealous with my classmates, they are so good and my teacher gets angry because she compared the fast learners to the slow learners. I want to kill those fast learners but on the second thought, I don't have to, somebody else will.

My grandmother has been asking me to visit them and I've been thinking of doing that, maybe next month since I definitely need a vacation.

how sad

Is it true that AJ Perez is already dead?
How sad.

UP!

A week after Valentines day I decided to give myself a little treat. I decided to go to Pampanga to watch the Hot Air Balloon Festival. It was so beautiful. The place is so beautiful, it was my first time to be there. I just took these photos using my phone. It feels nice to get out of the city sometimes and I also missed spending time with myself.

Last Christmas

December is the saddest month of my life since I was young. It's the time where I am mostly jealous of my cousins and friends because they received gifts. It's the time that almost every corner I see happy families gathered together. It's the busiest time for me as well, I have lots of house chores to do during this time.

Last December was different. I received the greatest gift so far. A present that unwraps himself. We slept together, ate and laugh. Happiest moment of my life. I am 6 years older than him but he has faced a lot in life already. He's cute, about 3 inches taller than me, he's muscles are toned yet a little lanky for me. Perhaps its no surprise since he is in a military school.

He's still a student yet he is the sending supporting his brother's schooling financially. I admire him for that. When I received his invitation to visit Baguio this December I was very excited. I haven't seen him since February that was my first visit of the place. I was surprised that he chose to spend Christmas with me rather than with his family. I am planning to visit Baguio again this February though I am not hoping that I can be with him. I understand he is very busy but how I wish he can spend a day with me while I'm there. Will be staying there for a week. I am very excited.

hmnmm, really?

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

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