choices

I don't feel sad today or lonely. I am thinking that it must be because of my recent sexcapades. I feel that its benefits far exceeds of what green tea can offer or a dark chocolate. It really feels nice that someone appreciates your body. It must be a craving within myself that I am trying to deny. I am trying to repress or control. Maybe it was because of how others look at same sex or homosexual activity that made me think that its not good. Sometimes your moral standards are affected by your environment and all the people that surrounds you. After having that experience that I didn't care what other people say, I just did it.

After doing it, I didn't feel guilty though. I feel that I am more in control of myself. I feel that being happy is my sole responsibility. That anytime I can laugh, cry or have sex and I don't care what others would say. People may judge my actions as immoral, insane or others say that my soul is going to be burn in hell, I don't care. And besides, if people like them is the one that I will meet in heaven, hell must be better than heaven. If they believe that following the morals of the society can save their soul then why are they here? Why don't they just go to heaven then and live there and leave this place? I can't imagine that heaven is full of those hypocrites. Full of people acting that they are clean and holy. People believing that following the what was written in the Bible is far better than following your own happiness. I have read the Bible several times, its like reading a story about the Holocaust. It has no idea about human suffering, the craving of every human beings.

Sometimes I am thinking that these cravings might be the demons inside my body. Demons that are trying to possess and control myself. For me both choices can be right and wrong at times, depending on how I look at it. Sometimes I am confuse of which is to believe or which choice shall I make. I am sometimes confuse if whether I have to give in and find happiness or to control it and declare myself victorious for not giving in.