Monday, May 18, 2009

state of confusion

I don't know why life is doing this to me. I am in a situation right now where in every decision would greatly impact my life. I am in this state where in whatever my decisions would be will greatly affect my life and it might take years to heal the wounds if I didn't make the right choice. But I love being in this situation. I mean I feel that I am someone important to other people too. That kind of feeling that you have a problem yet you are happy because you have this kind of problem. I am also confused if this is a problem or the solution itself.

I received a phone call yesterday from my colleague who is Pup's housemate. I have moved on already, I think. I don't have any feelings towards him anymore and I was thankful that I was able to forget that feeling. It took me a month to get over with him. A month before I could say that I am ready and that I have moved on. When things are going smoothly in my life then he comes in again. We never text each other for a month and I still haven't received any text from him. Yesterday when I answered the phone since I have deleted his number and his house mate's number I have to asked of who was the caller. It was my housemate first then he gave the phone to Pup. I don't know what it is that he really wanted but we just talked about things. I never bother asking him if I hurt when with my last text and if that was the reason why the our communication stop. I don't have the courage to ask him that question. I don't have the courage to admit to myself that the reason why we never made it is because of me.

As far as I can remember I loved him. I also wanted him to be my boyfriend but I can't accept to myself that I loved him. I hate to admit to people that I love this guy. After a month when our communication with each other was cut and I had moved on was when he was trying to reach out again. I am confused if I would respond to this inner desire of mine or to continue living life now that I have move on. I don't know if I would get hurt again or if I would feel the same. I am just scared right now to welcome him back in my life now that I have learned already on how to live it without him. I should be sad with this but I feel happy. I feel that I am still part of his life and that he still wants to continue what we have started.

The last time I remember that I was really important to someone and that he loved me was when I don't want to answer any phone calls and my phone read 96 missed calls in just one day. It was all from the same guy and he was trying to reach me. I feel so stupid right now of not answering his calls, of letting him go. And now here it comes again. And now I am back on almost the same situation again. I am scared of what will be my decision and its outcome.


  1. the confusion begins, i think, where you convinced yourself to forget your feeling. feelings can't be forgotten, just ignored. feelings disappear when they disappear, not when they are forgotten. and then, after being ignored for a while, they return with more intensity.

  2. i think we get to choose life changing decisions everyday. you might not notice it, but everyday-you steer your life into different directions. nasa sayo if you would want to steer it back on the highway.

    take risk. without sacrifice-there is no growth.