Tuesday, May 5, 2009

greatest love of all

I am scared to have a relationship. I don't like having commitments and my actions are guarded. I dream of having a boyfriend but when I think about the responsibilities and the commitments that you have to make, the idea of having one dies. I dream of being with someone, spending my live with that very special person. Waking up in bed together, dining out together. But how hard it is to find that person. Ever since, almost every time I went out with friends, I dream that I am with someone, someone that I dearly love. Almost everyday in my life has been dedicated of finding that someone to love.

There are days in my life when I am about to have a relationship. But I ran away from it when I learned the things that would be taken from me. I never have though of it that finding someone that you love would also mean that there are things that would be taken away from you. Several things. When I am in love with someone I felt that my actions were guarded, that I have to act my very best every time. I feel my moves are being watched every time.

It was just like days ago when I finally get free from my feelings with this person. I love the freedom. I don't know if other people feel the same way if the are in love or having a crush with someone. Its like I am unable to move freely. When I am in love of having a crush with someone, I dream to be with that person for about a week. After that I would try to look for something bad in him that could help me free myself from that feeling. I can't understand myself sometimes. I have been looking for love and when it comes my way I don't like it anymore. I am scared. I see love as a shackles. Its like a wall. Making me unable to move freely.

I love to watch this kind of movie for example yet I am afraid to tell him, he might not like it. I am afraid that I don't look cute and cuddly to him anymore. I wonder if it is love that I am scared of or I am just insecure.

I do not have a relationship with someone, right now. I don't know when I would have another one. I hope not yet. I don't think I am that prepared. I have been single for a long time that I adapted to it already. I am comfortable with my current status and I am afraid that if I am with someone I have to give up this comfort that I am feeling now. I don't think that love is worth it to be in exchanged for my comfort zone. Or that person is worth it in exchange. I am thinking that I have found love and that is loving myself. That could be the reason why sometimes I wish to die because I pitied my body so much or I love myself too much that I don't want to experience another pain. I want myself to live a life without any restrictions.


  1. nakakatakot nga eh, naging sobrang saya mo nga.. but in the end mawawalan rin pala.

    kaya di bale na lang. hehe

  2. pareho rin pala tayo. takot din ako pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay. ang totoo pa nga, wala akong kaalam-alam pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay.

    pero kung ako sa'yo, uunahin ko muna ang iba kong mga priorities gaya ng pag-aaral. bata ka pa naman eh. darating rin tayo dyan sa puntong yan.

  3. me too. hay.... im scared.

    pero my new motto is "when in doubt. go!!!!"

  4. hey you! *big hug*
    enjoy your singlehood. you're right, being in a relationship can sometimes be a hell lot of work. but it should always be worth the pain and effort. true that you will sacrifice things if you decide to commit, but those sacrifices should make you feel proud and good about yourself, sacrifices done out of love feel really rewarding, trust me. if you sacrificed something and you felt unhappy or obligated, then it's not all worth it. think twice, it’s not love.

    ponder on this. you can never give love unless you've learned to love yourself. remember that being committed is a two-way thing. don't look for love because you're lonely, look for love if you are ready.

  5. It's a matter of give and take.

  6. once ur trapped, theres no way out. heartaches to redeem ur freedom - thats love.

  7. parte naman ng buhay ang pagkabigo. dun tayo nagiging matapang. wala namang secure na relationship. lahat may risk. walang manyayari kapag hindi ka kikilos. ikaw na rin ang gumagawa ng ikakasaya mo. pag pinigilan mo ito ikaw rin ang masasaktan.

  8. i agree with jinjiruks! hwag ka matakot, ganun talaga pag natuto ka magmahal, handa ka din masaktan..
    darating yan.. enjoy muna, you know your priorities.

  9. it will happen when it happens. better to just enjoy what you have in the moment and let a relationship find you than devoting your life to the search for true love. when you search for it, it is like the horizon. the closer you move to it, the farther if goes away from you. the moment you make a commitment to yourself, everything else will fall into place.

  10. tama si line of flight....
    it will happen when it happens

    bigla na lang kakatok, mapipilitan kang magbukas... pero di mo tiyak kung paano ang trato mo pagpasok nya sa inyong salas.

    the way of seeing the story, you're starting to feel the cold nights.

    ako pa ang tanungin mo, loner ako... kahit sobrang busy ako para buhayin ang pamilya namin, imposible na di ako makakaramdam ng pag-iisa lalo na during exhausting days.

    pag nagkakaganun, nakakalungkot talaga... pero madali namang lumipas... am a career person.

    sometimes, i look for other things to do... pagkakaabalahan. visit my friends sa gym, blogging, o minsan, tambay sa mall and sing my heart out sa open-public videoke slot machine.

    in your case, mukha ka namang 'busy bee'... kaya mo yan

  11. when you enter in a relationship you must be ready for everything. to risk giving up your "freedom" for someone you love. but what is freedom, but the heart soaring high, when you are beside the one that holds your heart?

  12. Ever heard of the song "Leap of Faith" by Hale?