oh! The Web

I don't know if there are people here in the blogosphere who used to play with spiders. When I was still young until I reached elementary I sometimes look for spiders on my way to school. If adults have cockfighting we have spiders which we also placed bet sometimes. The reward is pride that you have the bravest and a very good spider compared to others. If your spider as a reputation of being a killer then you can sell it at a higher price. It was so much fun then playing with them, there was cheering of who's spider is the best. It is really so gross to care for one or to have it as a pet perhaps if the term pet is acceptable. Every morning I would feed it with my own saliva, eeewww. There are also different characteristics of each spiders which since we are still young at that time and all we knew was if a spider lives inside a house then its a coward own, a waste of time. If a spider can be seen in a grass fields if its body is soft and color red that it is a fighter but the best of them is a spider found in banana plants but finding one takes time and luck. You have to wake up early in the morning since that is the time that most of them can be found. I don't know what happens to them during noon, sometimes they can be found in the afternoon too and late at night but its just too dangerous to get out when its dark already because you have to be careful not to be bitten by snakes. We placed them in matchboxes and we have to be very careful if we bring it to school because sometimes our teachers inspect our bags and if they caught you having spiders they would confiscate it. Some teachers are really very cruel because they stepped on them. Gawd! That would perhaps witnessing death each day since almost every day they could confiscate one, what a sight of cruelty. Cruel teachers. Others would lead to punishment like cleaning the rooms.

I just missed playing it but now that I have grown I learn to care for things even to little animals. I don't know if I would do such a thing and step on spiders if I caught my students playing with them once I become a teacher. I think what we have done with spiders was cruel too. I just missed playing with them, I don't know what happened to my playmates. I wonder if they still play with spiders or they have grown up already and can be found in cockfighting arenas every Sunday.

<(,)>

I am still exchanging messages with my friends housemate. He loves to play video games like DOTA. After work either he is playing PSP or can be found in the cafes playing DOTA. I am two years older than him. I haven't seen him yet but he said that he saw me already once and he can still remember how I look. ^sigh^

^^^^

I can't really figure it out but I have been pressing the "enter" button but it seems that my paragraphs won't go to the other line. Like for example if I pressed it five times it's supposed to go down five lines before the next paragraph and that should be the thing that would appear but when I publish the post the paragraphs are so close to each other. Can someone help me please?

XOXO,

grammath

how far will you go?

I saw my crush yesterday while I was on the way to work. He was eating and alone. I don't know if its only me or most us when that we try to ignore someone and pretend that we have no feelings towards them but the fact is we are willing to cross an ocean just to see their face and be with them. We used to work together and his cubicle is actually next to mine but I don't talk to him that much. We just discuss about religion, sports and beers and nothing about our personal lives or the girls and the boys that we dated. If my gay friends would have listen to what we are talking about they would have puke and I can join them any minute. I don't know but when you know that you're gay and that all you want to date are boys you are no longer interested in stuff that straight people likes and talking about them wants you to puke. Well anyway I saw him yesterday. He used to look like Ian Veneracion before only he looks younger though. Every time when we used to meet each other in the pantry or in the hallway I just pretended that I didn't saw him and just walk straight but deep inside my heart is beating so fast and I felt like I was driving in the fast lane or maybe one kilometer higher than cloud nine.

I hurried to work when I saw him yesterday and pretended that I didn't saw him. I immediately put my stuff in my station and hurried back and pretended that I was hungry. He was in the counter when I went in and call his name and pretended that as if I was shocked to see him and what a coincidence that it happened that we are in the same place. I gain weight as I've noticed and he no longer look that cute to me but that feeling that you want to lay in bed beside him is still there. I don't know if its love already or just lust. They said that if you still like a person even if his physical appearance there must be a little love in it already. I don't think so that I am in love. Anyway there are times that I acted like a fool just to have a little talk to him. There was this one time that I saw him inside a grocery store that I also went in and bought some goods that I don't really need. I have heard a lot of people do crazy things because of love. People that are willing to get water from the moon and get the stars just to be with their loved ones. I saw this episode once in a talk show that there was this guy who went to Hong Kong just to say to his crush that they just happened to be in the same place at the same time, weird. I wouldn't spend that much just to follow some guy, I don't even go to England to see Prince William.

<^^>

I received a text message today from someone. He was this guy that was introduced to me by my colleague. We have talked over the phone already. He said that he saw me once when I was on my way to work and he was together with my colleague. At work my friend asked me that the guy that he was with that morning asked for my name and my number. I didn't really pay much attention about that. After a month a friend of mine gave my number to my colleague and he gave my number to his friend (uh, is that how I supposed to say that?) and he then call me the next morning. I thought I sucked because I am not really good into this kind of stuff. My colleague knew that I was gay and I think he is too. Anyway we are exchanging messages now with his friend and I don't know if I would have a future with this, well I hope so.

Oh, Baby!

I have asked some friends of mine single, gay, straight and lesbians whether they would like to have a baby. Most of them said that they love having a baby. I don't know but I also want to have a baby like having a wife and a family but I don't know how long will I able to stand and having the responsibility of being the man in the house. I was thinking that if I would be a very rich person that I would be like MJ or Ricky Martin or Clay Aiken perhaps. But I think it is so selfish to have a child just because you love having a child and he would be living in this world without a mother or an ideal family. I know how hard it is to living without your parents around, you have that self-pity and hatred towards them, towards the world for bringing you here without even giving you the choice if you want to be born or not. I don't know how does it feel either to be a baby maker, like if you are a girl then you would carry that baby around for nine months and then get taken from you after that. I don't know but having a baby is something that I have been dreaming of today but I know that its not as easy as getting a puppy, well even getting a puppy is very complicated now adays plus I have to consider my financial stability but if ever given a chance and my financial status would improve then I might consider the option of having a child of my own and I have to be emotionally capable at that time too. I just don't know when that will happen.

It could have been nice to have a child just like your best friend or your playmate. I just don't know how does it feel to have a child of your own, I would be very happy, I think.

a sign of ignorance

This has been around the blog world for sometime already and others are sick of it already about this issue that nobody wants to talk about it anymore. I am supposed to work on my assignment but since the computers that we have at work doesn't have speakers I decided to view the it again. This was regarding the Boyet Fajardo incident. I was really full of rage the first time I saw the video and read a blog about him that I tried opening his website several times but I think he shot it down. I just couldn't help but get angry at him even though he hasn't done me any harm. I watched the video several times and I have to hold my tears. I felt pity of how he let the cashier kneel down and apologize to him for doing his job. Maybe this was the first time that he used a credit card that is why Mr. Fajardo doesn't know the procedure. I don't think that Marc Jacobs or Oprah would do such a thing if the merchant would ask for identification from them. I really wanted to cry while watching the video.


I was thankful to Mr. Fajardo though because I can recall one incident as told by my friend that a cashier was asking for his identification while using his cash card which requires a pin before it works and the cashier still asked for his identification and this friend of mine becomes irate because of that. I was then dreaming of having a credit card then would shout at cashiers if they would ask for my identification since as I observed sometimes these cashiers are judge you as well of how you look whether you are wealthy or not. You could have observed as well that there are times specially if the buyer looks so credible or someone that looks like a wealthy person that they don't bother asking for identification but there are some that would ask for two id's if you look poor which could sometimes insult you. The incident has given me a lesson to remain humble and respect everyone and to remember always the golden rule in dealing with other people. I think I am becoming rude each, I forget or doesn't show a slightest respect to others but this incident has brought my feet back on the ground. Sometimes you really feel insulted if people doubted you. You have that craving to be known, to be someone, more famous than Britney Spears or Madonna and be more powerful, more powerful than a nuclear reactor.

a year ago

I can't tell whether I slept soundly or this could be a lack of sleep but I woke up today with the sound of the alarm of my phone and I have to double checked the time of both of my phones to make sure that the clock is showing the right time. I checked the messages in my phone inbox and I received text messages from friends and one is complaining of how hot the day was which I haven't even noticed it, I might have slept soundly but my body says that I am still so sleepy and its just like I slept for an hour or less. This is a time of the day where I don't really like to get up and go to work. This is the time that again I asked God that my one last wish from Him is for me to die and not to wake up or if He can't grant me that one wish today then at least He would be kind enough to grant my other wish that my life has to end before I reach 30 years old. I was there laying in bed thinking what would happen if I die.

It was the same day a year ago when I witnessed death. It was three in the morning, I was on my way to work and a motorcycle crashed just a few meters away from where I am standing. I can still remember how the motorcycle wiggled and how it flew up in the air just like what you're seeing in action movies and the motorcycle landed and hit the driver on the head and the gas tank hit his body. I only saw a few blood. But the onlookers including myself could tell that the guy is already dead. I went to work that guy yet I could feel my stomach churning and I couldn't eat properly during my break. Later that day I could feel my body temperature rising when I went to school to take my final exams later that afternoon I already had a fever.

I haven't seen a doctor and I had that fever for four days. On the fifth day I felt better but when I arrived at work my colleague said that I look so red and that he noticed red marks on my skin (I think you call them rashes) and I went downstairs to have myself checked in the clinic. The doctor said that I have German measles. I asked if it was deadly and he said yes and could be fatal but not that much. He asked if I want to be admitted in the hospital and I declined and said that I can take care of myself. I have been admitted in the hospital before and is really hard especially when you don't have any relatives that you can call. I have stayed in the hospital before for a night alone and is really hard. On my way home because the doctor said that I have to stay indoors until the rashes were gone I bought 2 loaves of bread and a jar of peanut butter. I have done nothing in that entire week in my room but watched the entire five season of Queer as Folk and Bourne series and the Pirate of the Caribbean. I didn't feel lonely though. I stayed there for a week and whenver I get hungry I have that two loaves of bread and a jar of peanut butter to eat. A year has passed and I survived that illness and I am no longer eating loaves of bread with peanut butter when I am hungry. It was a year and my life was spared. I don't want to think that it was God who saved me, I don't like the idea. I can't even imagine that God would save me from death, I don't think I am worth of His time or attention. I was just thankful though that I survived because of that two loaves of bread and a jar of peanut butter.

Chasing love

I don't know if I its the news that I'm hearing everyday or what but it seems that I am getting more pessimistic as each day passes by. Its just a month that I have started online dating and I think its going nowhere and my efforts are useless. The guy that I have been exchanging emails with to the point that I have to buy a dual-sim phone for convenience that I don't have to carry two phones sent me messages but all means nothing. He would just send me an email or an sms for us to meet and have sex. I have nothing against sex. I love having sex but maybe not as much as he do. I am looking for someone to be in a relationship and not a sex buddy. I think it is hard to find these today and that keeps me wondering why. A lot of people are looking for love but why is it that most are after for sex. I am dreaming of having a partner where we could walk in the park and eat cotton candy and chase the doves but that seems to be impossible to happen nowadays aside from there are only a few doves left here but have been caught by some people are transformed into a delicious meal.

What has happened to most people and why is it that most of them are after for sex. It only last for an hour and after that its gone while love last longer than that and it would even endure centuries and eons of times may pass but love will definitely endure.

Online dating

I woke up so early today and decided to complete my school assignments which has long been due. Since my internet connection here is impossible to download even a single bit of data I decided to go into an internet cafe. I have heard from some friends that they met several guys in the net and some are even chatting on the same cafe were they're at. This got me curious though since its been almost a month already that I'm exchanging emails with these guy who is so eager that we meet yet I always decline his invitation. I am not just into it right now. I am not tired of having sex and at my age it would be a big no. I am just busy with school and work at this day that I don't have time for sex, I think sex can wait but school and work can't at this time.

I got excited to join a channel in IRC. I still remember that this is what we used before with my friends when YM and other messengers are still under construction or programmers are still trying to fix the bugs. I just love the feeling of being online again and be able to chat with someone pretending that you are superman or that you are the cutest guy in town. The sad thing is that almost everyone is up into sex and only a few are up for a conversation. I am think I am getting old faster than I thought, faster than the Big Ben of London. Some are direct to the point while others you go around in circle at first only end up discussing whether are willing to meet him or not. Others are so boring, far more boring than the picture of a president of some troubled country.

I received a call today from that guy that I met online. I sent him a text message the other day and he was calling to ask who I am and of where did I get his number. I was like so discouraged that I think online dating is not for met at this time. It was just about two days ago from my last email to him and he had already forgotten my number? How amazing was his memory.

how does if feel?

I often envy my friends and colleague if they tell me what are their achievements so far in life. Most of them are honor students in elementary and high school. I couldn't remember being the part of the top students in the class. I remember this when I was in high school that in almost all of my subjects every end of periodical grading I would bring floor wax or soft brooms or would water the plants just to pull my grade to the passing rate. I remember this one subject Filipino, I was a junior in high school at that time and my teacher was so boring that she would just sit in front of us and read Noli Me Tangere. At the end of the grading since its either I was sleeping or talking to my seatmates I failed and she said that I have to summarize the entire Noli Me Tangere in a yellow pad and I have to come up with a summary of one page for each chapter! That was really the worst.

I would just often asked my colleagues today of how does it feel to be on top. I sometimes saw my schoolmates who were in the first section before and I don't like to be like them at that time. They just spend most of their time reading books that are either tattered and torn or so boring. None of them tried cutting classes, I think. Even though I never made it on the top of the class I really have so much fun then. I have this classmate and what we do is sit in the back row and we just read books. She prefers to read those romantic tagalog novels. I've read some of them, I can still remember one author, Helen Meriz. I just don't like it though because its all about love so I prefer to read those books written by Sidney Sheldon, John Grisham and Robert Ludlum. In the end, when the new school year starts, I just learned that she got pregnant. I haven't heard of her after that time. But my performance in school continued. I don't know but it seems that I know the lessons already and my teacher and classmates just view me as a dumb one. I just don't know how does an intelligent person would act according to their moral standard I guess that is why they viewed me as a dumb one. I have this one proof that I am not dumb as what they think because there was this history teacher of mine of gave me a failing grade when I was still a junior then she was our proctor for the NSAT at that time which I couldn't remember that I took the exam, anyway, on the first day of her class she conducted an examination and I got a perfect score while most of my classmates failed.

I have so much fun at school even though my grades were very poor. I guess its true that the ladder to success is never crowded at the top. I don't wanna be on top of that means that I am alone and no friends, just alone. Although I am living alone right now but I still have friends and like every failure that I encountered I have others who are experiencing the same thing too and that somehow would ease the pain a little bit. Its not that I don't want them to be successful but just that I feel fine knowing that we are on the same situation. There are a lot though who are more successful than me, they have accomplished this and that which would take years for me to achieve. I would say that being here of where I am right now I have so much fun. There is cheating at a school which I know is not good but I don't know why I find pleasure of doing it. I just want to be successful one day, I want to be just like that same person that I admire the most, I just want to know how does it feel to be successful.

These blogs...

I checked some blogs that I follow and notice how well they arranged words and to include the pictures that they posted. Some of them even placed pictures on their post which I am still trying to figure out how to do it. I have tried it once but the picture won't appear to the part which I want it to be posted. I just wonder how many hours do they spent in order to create such this kind of blogs. Some even posted sketches which would greatly take time in order for me to accomplish such work.

I sometimes try my best to remember the things that I wanted to post here but when I am in front of the screen my mind goes blank. I can't think of any except if that is really a very recent event. I just admire how these people remembers the events of their lives to the very detailed part of it that you could even feel the movement of their muscles, every flex of their fingers and every sound that they have heard.

Flabbergasted

The day came when I felt so little about myself. I felt so ignorant, so uneducated, a dumb, a fool. This was when a friend of mine said that about what he feel when he heard the news about something and he said that he was so flabbergast. I just responded in a low voice, "wow." And that is all I can really say because I don't know what flabbergast means. They keep on talking with my other friend and I was just so silent thinking what the word flabbergast means.

It still took me days before I finally search the word in the dictionary. "Ahh, so this is what flabbergast means." I already have an idea of what the word means but I just want to make sure. I don't want to assume things just like what had happen before. I have this friend who ask me something and I replied to her message that I forgot and could not remember anymore. She replied, "oh! Really? How oblivious." The message really got into my nerves and I was so mad at her. I thought the message was really so sarcastic and she was trying to imply something. When I changed my number I didn't included saving her number. Then years after that incident I suddenly remember the word "oblivious" and look for its meaning in the dictionary. I was full of regrets and if I only knew its meaning before we would still have communication these days. I don't know her number anymore or how to reach her. Anyway why is it that she decided to use such word where in she could have just use word forgetful instead of the word oblivious.

Now that I know what flabbergast means I use it to create a sentence. "When I saw him on the street with another guy I was so flabbergasted that I went ballistic." Bravo to myself! Wouldn't you agreet that this statement is so powerful and so gay.

Butteflies

Yesterday I received a text message from my teacher in English that if I can drop by in school before I go to work. I was thinking at first that I flunk in my exams which really scared me but it was even worst. As part of my requirement I have to go to stage and read something in front of around 50 people. Its quite a few audience to some but I don't really like speaking in front of this kind of audience.

I went there today before I go to work. I arrived an hour late, I was just trying to avoid doing. It was raining and I wished that it rained hard so that I will have an excuse not to do the activity. When I arrived after a few minutes I was called for my presentation which is like a dramatic oral reading. My hands were trembling as I went up stage and even my schoolmates noticed it. So this is what if feels like of having butterflies in my stomach which I remembered from a book that I have read when I was still in high school and I didn't like the feeling. If you ever thought that butterflies were beautiful creatures, well, the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach is not really good believe me. I was able to finish it though with countless of errors, it was a total disaster.

When I think of what I have done, I can't help but wonder that I have really changed a lot. Before I used to be a part of school activities like declamation and oration and I don't have these stagefrights. I just noticed right now of how fast did I change. My views in life and the things that I love to do. I no longer love playing soccer yet I still remember those days and sometimes I miss playing soccer. Maybe I just love to kick some "balls" or I just don't know. Before I am not scared of public speaking and its one of the activities that I really loved. Speaking infront of several innocent looking students and speaking infront of them which you really know that out of five hundred around five of them were only the people who are listening. I just love it, maybe I just love to bore people to death.

Moving out

I have been busy lately looking for a new place. I can still afford to stay in my current place but I have to look for something cheaper. I have been thinking of moving into this dormitory, its like a typical dormitory type of room just like what I have read in Daddy Long Legs, two beds in a room and then each of you have your own table. But thinking of my past experiences about having a roommate really scared me. I remember this roommate of mine who was a nursing student that he wipe alcohol even for his hanger, I don't have a problem with people being so clean but maybe I just felt intimidated at that time because I am not really into that thing in terms of cleaning.

This morning a friend of mine said that since he is leaving to Canada next month that I can rent the place on the 20th of this month. I checked the place this morning, there is nothing fancy about the life. The neigborhood is just like the slum in the movie slumdog millionaire but I don't hear people shouting at that morning. One neighbor plays a Christian song loudly that it turns out to be some kind of a disco music instead of a praising song. The room is so dark when you turn off the lights which is what I really like about the place. In my current place I couldn't see a single thing if I turn the lights off even at noon. I just don't like the roof though, its not made of bricks or some cement its made of a thin piece of metal. I am really scared living in a place like that because one thing is I saw in the television every New Year's Eve and Christmas or anytime that there are people killed or being hit by stray bullets even inside their homes. I don't wanna reach 30 years old but I don't wanna die either because of a stray bullet.

I think about it when I reached home. I decided that I would get the place and will be moving on the 21st. I don't want to bring any of my appliances though. I'll just bring my clothes, my laptop, my cellphone I don't even plan bringing my radio. I want to live a simple life. Just my books and just focus on my studies and work. The idea kills me. I don't think I would be able to do it. But anyway I have already made the decision its either I would give my appliances to my friend who doesn't own a television set or to that girl which I don't even know her name who just live next room.

This is my love story - under construction

I have nothing to do today, no work and no school which is like a holiday to me. It's a Saturday and I text my friends if any of them would like to go clubbing tonight but I got no response from them. Sometimes I wonder why these people I call friends are not there when I needed them, well on the second thought I don't think clubbing is a life and death situation but I just thought I need them. I can go solo flight if I want to which I have done it already but I just don't feel of doing it tonight. So what I did is grab my back pack and headed myself to McDonalds to study. I just love to study either in McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts because when I get hungry its easier to grab something to eat but recently I decided to stick at McDonalds, I really hate those spam emails, I received one saying that doughnut is one of the foods that can cause cancer.

I got tired of watching people there and so I decided to check my emails and read some blogs. I just wonder why most gays or bisexuals love John McLaughlin instead of Cher, Celine Dion or Regine, the days have changed so fast. Most topics are about blogs and I remember those feelings when I was still a high school student. I seldom experience nowadays crushes and love. I have some colleagues at work and some of my classmates at school which serves as my inspiration and everytime I just see them my heart beat so fast that I felt like I was elevated two inches higher from cloud nine. But the sad thing is I don't have a love story like those I read in blogs. I don't have those encounters in public places where we wink on each other and nod and then go to a place we can call our own. So what I did today as part of my list for this month is to have a love story. I've read a blog about a survey that most gays found their partners online. So I decided to go online on mIRC and updated my guys4men profile. I just hate it though when your chatting with people because most of them asked for pictures which I don't have and if I have I don't want to upload it anyway, even my friendster profile doesn't have a picture of myself.

There was this guy which we are already sending messages to each other through e-mail which I hope is a good start. I want my love story to be like those in movies like a message in a bottle or you've got mail. Today I replied to his message and hopefully there would be progress. He keeps on asking for my phone number in almost all of his e-mails which every response has every excuse that I can imagine. Sometimes it is hard to have a relationship online, I mean keeping a relationship because you just don't know that the person is just your neighbor or worst could be your brother or sister. I also decided to create a profile in gay.com which I hope will work. But I just love going online and meeting people though. The hardest thing though is that there are more illusions than realities.

Let me talk about love (2)

The first time I read this story from Mary Renault in her novel The Persian Boy. I was a college student at that time, a freshman as I can remember and I was tired already of reading the works of Sidney Sheldon and John Grisham. I've read Paulo Coelho's the Alchemist which gives me an idea that a thicker book is a good company. There was no bookstore from the place where I grew up but some department stores would sell used books, it is there where I bought a copy of The Persian Boy. The cover looks yellow and its thick enough for me.
The novel is all about Alexander the Great. He has been known to conquer the world that was known during his time. It was just shocking for me though when I saw his name on the list of most notorious men in the world, what was written that he has done was pretty cruel though.
Anyway I got interested in his love life. He has this eunuch named Bagoas. In the novel The Persian Boy it was narrated by Bagoas of how they make love and how much he loved Alexander. The book is a fiction though but there are several historical events documented that supports the story in the novel. It took me days to finish reading the book not because I don't have the time or I got lazy of reading it but because I know that no matter how thick the book was it could surely come to an end and that I am trying to prolong. I think everybody has this feeling that if you are reading a book and you really loved it so much that you are saddened as you read the story and turn each pages of the book. Also I can't help but to imagine the events on the book. Alexander also has a very close friend which their relationship is also a very controversial one because some historians claims that their relationship was also sexual.
When Hephaistion died Alexander mourned for his death and for two days he just lay in bed and cried. Both of them are gone but the relationship that bonds between them leaves so much speculation in such which up to this date remains a mystery. In to this date this could be what we can refer to as discreet relationship. Even with the help of scholars would not be able to determine the kind of relationship that they have shared.
When I finally finished reading the book I felt so sad for a few days which I can still remember. Its that kind of feeling that you wanted to cry but you can't because you are not that sad enough to put tears on your eyes which frustrates you.

Taming myself

I am almost done reading "The Catcher in the Rye." I am suppose to finish it by February but I haven't because of the time my school and work demands and I also have lots of errands to do.

While reading the book I can't help but envy the life of Holden Caulfield. I just wanna be like him but I wasn't able to do it. I just wanna be bad, I am just so tired of living a good life and being good. I want to scream out loud in the streets that I hate God but I just cant because I am scared that some fanatic of religion would throw stone at me. I wanted to be kick out of school and have failing grades and all but I won't be able to that anymore. I have read a lot of self-help books already and they just wouldn't work. I am so tired of chasing success that I am thinking chasing failure would be a good option but even failure is very hard for me to chase. Being a failure is such a luxury to me which I can't afford. I just want to let that bad person out of me. There are so many bad things that I haven't done and I miss of not doing them when I was still young. I want to throw stones in that glass window, I just want to throw notebooks at my teacher just like what my aunt did when she was still in high school and a lot more.