Let me talk about love (1)

I first heard of this story from a friend of mine. I was still in that stage where I already knew my sexual orientation but I still on the stage where I am confused with my choice. He was a college professor. It was from him where I first learned about Paulo Coelho and the first of his books that I read was The Alchemist which later became one of my favorite books. I then asked him later that evening if it was a sin to be gay then he said that maybe yes or maybe not. It depends of whom you ask that question for because people would based it on their moral values and each individual has different levels of moral reasoning. I ask him what about if we based it on the Bible. He said that David loved a man in his life. And then the topic was changed to something I couldn't remember to this date.

When I arrived home two days after I text him asking where in the Bible could I find the story. He said somewhere but he has forgotten it. That made me curious though and I don't know why I haven't even research it on the internet. Later when I was introduced to a new church at first I loved the pastor's sermons. And it followed that I was attending church almost every Sunday. There was a youth gathering one Friday night and it was the month of February in the year of 2007. The topic is about brotherhood. Discussions about types of love in Greek terms. Agape, Philia, Eros, Thelema and Storge. Then one best example for a love towards a friend is found in the Bible and the examples given were David and Jonathan. I became curious since this is the same story that my college professor friend has told me about only that they have different interpretation. I am confused of whom to believed between the two of them. In my thoughts I said that probably my pastor because he has been reading and studying the Bible and has met several Bible scholars.

Just a week ago this discussion was brought to life by one of my office mate saying that it David and Jonathan's relationship is not sexual. Then I got curious and researched on the net. I trust wikipedia rather than anything else if I wanted information. Well even wiki could not say that it is sexual or not because even scholars up to this date is still debating on the issue.

It is then up to me to this date of whom to believe or which side of the story would I believe. I believe that David loved Jonathan so much and they are in loved with each other. I believe in Oscar Wilde that indeed this is a kind of love that dare not speak its name. I wish I could be able to find this kind of love. Something intimate, something different, something where only a few hearts dare to go. A love that would dare not speak its name. A love that surpasses them all. A love where only David and Jonathan dare to find and they have found.

Observational Learning

I am supposed to go to school today and take my exams but I haven't finished my assignments yet. After work I decided to went to the city library and trying to read and absorbed my lessons but nothing would go inside my inside. Sometimes I wonder why it is easier for me to remember the novels I've read rather than school related stuffs. Not that I forget them or anything but I am just having a hard time putting them all in my head. After an hour in the library I went out without even answering a question in my assignment because I was really very sleepy already. The library is just a few minutes walk from where I currently live. On my way home I was thinking what would be my future if I would not be able to finish my BS degree. I already have a job yet I know that sometimes having a diploma is really an advantage specially living in a country where a piece of paper is highly valued rather than your skills. Living in a country where you are judge of what you can do by your diploma rather than what you have done already. It's hard to be trusted in this country without a diploma and I think in some countries this exist too.

I am very uncertain with my future and I can't help but compare myself to other people even if I have read Desiderata more than a hundred times that not to compare yourself to others for its either you become bitter or vain but I just can't help it. sometimes when my friends are discussing something I could sense that I am way too far from their intellect. I have read the books that they read and watch movies that they like. Then I remember one of my friends who asked me to watch "Sex and the City" like a year ago and I declined. She is a very smart girl and I'd really admired her intellect. So today I bought a copy of "Sex and the City" and also a dvd collection of its series. I am supposed to buy Lord of the Rings because I friend of mine said that Odyssey is having a sale and a copy is just Php299 but I decided to go for Sex and the city instead then I would next payday I would buy the Lord of the Rings.

When I tried finish my assignment today one of the question is about observational learning. I wonder why this is still considered a theory. My teacher in psychology said that in the field of science if one is really proven true then it is considered a theory and if it follows a scientific approach yet not accepted widely is considered a theory. I wonder what makes observational learning a theory. In my case I learned things almost by observing others that is by the books they read and also by watching the movies they like yet sometimes I learned through my own experience which maybe the reason why it remains a theory up to this date.

something in the air

As I get ready myself to work last Saturday I don't know what is really special on that day but I have that strange feeling of a mixture of happiness and sadness. Something on that day that makes me sad yet I am happy that I have felt that kind of sadness. There is something very familiar with the sun rays and with the scent of the air that makes me remember the past. I don't know what is that scent and its definitely not a victoria's secret or a burberry brit but something very sweet with a little coldness in the air as it touches my skin that I remember the past. Him. The past.

Almost two years ago I was just working at that time and haven't thought of studying and working at the same time. I have lots of time, the luxury of time to visit places and to hang out with friends. Every Saturday night I went out with them for some crazy party where we go dancing until we can barely moved our legs. Sunday came and I just lay in bed for almost the entire day because of headaches and body pains. That was two years ago when I met him in one of those crazy parties. He was working as an accountant. He goes swimming and goes to the gym but didn't have those bulky gym bodies. His body is like almost toned, something like that. Fair skin and he has that masculine look for me. From his jawline to his deep set eyes, I just love to stare at this face. Everything was ok at first, we talk about this and that and some uninteresting things but we never had sex which is the most part of why I regret so much of not doing so. Anyway it turned out that if you really have a cute boyfriend everybody is running after him and just trying to rip both of you apart. I don't feel like fighting for him and I don't think he wants to fight for that so called relationship of ours too. It didn't work out.

Last time I show him he was going home, alone with his tennis racket. I just smiled at him. I no longer have a communication with him from the time that I deleted his number. I don't feel like asking for it when I saw him.

Last Saturday that is what I rememebered when that cool air touches my skin and I smelled a scent very familiar. That was not his scent but that was the scent I smelled almost every Saturday night when I meet my friends and him.

Peace to Greenpeace

I was on my to buy some groceries for my one week consumption which is just basically a box of milk and some toiletries. Suddenly a girl approached me with this flyer about greenpeace and how they help the environment and punish the bad guys who are destroying it and all. They love mother nature as what they call themselves. Well I have nothing against loving the environment, planting trees, anti-pollution campaign and all. I love mother nature just how I love boys. I just smiled to the girl handling the flyers abuot greenpeace and continue on my way without listening to her then rolled my eyes and a girl in front of me noticed my every reaction.

I heard about greenpeace almost a year ago and I was at first excited to join this group then as I read on from one flyer to another seeing how they destroyed the properties of those what they call companies and persons that caused damage to the environment I asked myself if it was the right thing to do. I don't believe in violence. Eventhough sometimes I would love to think that my head is being screwed but all I was thinking is of how to kill myself and not other people. I don't think that is ok too.

Even up to now I still have that dream to be a volunteer in an organization without getting paid but just for a good cause. I once saw a documentary about VSO and their works done in Africa which made me cry and there I said to myself that one day I will be going there and help them. I don't fully agree of what greenpeace is fighting for maybe their cause or the reason how they do it or something but I just fully agreed to them. I agree that we have to take care of the environment and all but I think there are things that are worth fighting for. Just like for example the children in other countries who died in hunger and are dying in hunger and their numbers is increasing every minute. If the money collected is spent to them I think that would be worth fighting. I believe that the lives of the human being is far more important than a tree. I believe that a hungry child being fed is far more important than a dying baby dolphin or whale. I believe Mother Nature would understand that. I believe that is these people are given a source of income they don't have to use these dynamites that could harm the environment. I don't think there is one fisherman who wants to destroy the place where his source of income is coming from. I don't there is an individual who wants to destroy the environment they are forced to destroy it inorder for them to live.

If I would have the funds donated to Greenpeace I would build an orphanage, a school, create a livelihood program and feed those hungry people who are dying. I would save the human race first before saving Mother Earth. Well I might be wrong and that there could be other reasons why Greenpeace prefer to save the whales and the dolphins rather than hearing and saving the lives of those hungry children on the streets anyway Africa is too far away and they might not be able to hear their cries and it just happens that they live closer in ocean rather than Africa.

Have you ever felt this way?

Before I hit the sack early this morning, I decided to set the alarm at 3:00 o'clock pm since I have to get to school. At 3 pm I changed my mind and slept and woke up at 6 pm and get ready for work. I really don't feel like going to work today. Then I was greeted with several bad news and everything. My entire day was really ruined. I don't know if you ever felt this way. You woke up one day and continue living it and the hours seems so dreadful. It is the day when you asked God why he created you when you didn't even ask for it. It is a day when even you were told before that God is good because even if He didn't give you the chance to choose your relatives He still gives you the chance and the oppurtunity to choose your friends doesn't even compensate your feeling for that day. I really had a bad day today that if God would show up in front of my I would scream in front of His face " Damn You!" I really hate this day. Even if I win the lottery today would not compensate what I am feeling right now. This is the day where I continue to wonder why there are bad guys who are doing good and good guys were doing bad. This is the where I questioned God and really didn't have a single regret I chose the path that I will no longer believe in Him. I still believe he exists even today but this is the day where I doubt His love and my hatred towards God just grew bigger.

celebrating the day

Earlier last night, friends asked me regarding my plans for Valentines day. If I know they don't have any dates that is why the were asking if I am free for the night. I told them that I have to go to work and then go home and sleep. The night passed and finally the night was over. I don't really fell like celebrating Valentines day. I just wonder though why we have a day for our hearts and loved ones and we don't celebrate a day for other organs in our body. Let us say for example the brain which is for me the most important part. The heart pumps and delivers the nutrients to different parts of the body but the command is coming from the brain. It just sounds ironic though that we don't have a speciall day dedicated for the brain.

Numbers

Today is my off but I only have a few hours of sleep. I went to school today to take my exams for Filipino. I really hate this subject. I English too. I hate math. I love boys. I was still very sleepy but I have to get up and do my school works. I have exceeded my time already to finish this semester and I don't want to consume all the patience of our college dean. I want to leave some patience on her just in case I will do something bad in the future, it might save my life. I went to Dunkin Donuts to study, I was the only customer there, I am not sure if they are still earning. I hardly noticed any customers these days in Dunkin Donuts, most of them are in bars drinking beers and hard liquors, I sometimes do that. I ordered two cups of coffee. I was reading but I am not in the mood to study and is really very hard for me to concentrate if I am not in the mood which I think everybody is having a hard time to focus if they are not in the mood or not interested in the topic.

I get my notebook out and thinking that maybe I should buy an XDA, I've checked before that you can get a secondhand on the internet for less than four thousand pesos which would help me a lot. I saw yesterday that my teacher has one and is really a great help. Yet a little expensive though. I began to write the things that I have to do today and I noticed that today is already the 13th of the month and is a Friday. I am not really scared at all about the number thirteen though somehow, a little bit. I am not that good in math that is why numbers scares me a lot but I am more scared if I have to perform mathematical equations using the letters in the English Alphabet. It is really hard to solve math problems using numbers but it is more complicated if you are going to use letters to solve a problem. I don't know who started solving math problems using letters that must be someone who is not good in numbers and is good in letters and find way to make his life easier by using letters instead of numbers which complicated the life of others including mine. We truly don't know how and where will the ripples of our actions end and I bet that the person who started solving math problems using letters doesn't realized that either. Anyway, yes today is Friday the thirteenth where stories are told that supernatural powers are very strong and the evil forces strength increases that must be the reason why I am so lazy today. Maybe that evil force deep inside me makes me so lazy that I don't want to go to work today, I don't want to job and I don't want to study either.

Who cut your Hair?

I am not sure how many people in this whole wide world universe feels the same way as I do when they do this thing. My friends and my colleagues have been telling me almost a week two weeks already that I should do it but I am just scared. It just that I feel so uncomfy of doing it. I know that my hair is a little bit long already and I not that thin so I really look untidy if I have a long hair. But I just don't feel comfortable sitting in a barber's chair (I don't know what you call that chair that almost looks like a chair of a dentist in old movies) and having my hair cut. First I don't know any name of a hair cut and there's just a lot of them and I don't know which of them makes me look good. Second I am not cute so I don't like people staring at my face and I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror as well for that long period of time. Once I chatted with a friend and ask him if he has the same dilemma as I which by the speed my hair grows I have to have it cut every six weeks. He said that he is uncomfortable as well everytime he goes out for a hair cut. I asked what "What do you answer when they ask what kind of hair cut?," he just smiled and said "Just make sure that I look good on it" and that is why he said that he always have his hair cut on salons rather than on barbershop.

I used to go to salons like Davids, Reyes and others but it is just expensive for me right now consirdering that I am working and supporting my studies at the same time, having a cut from these salons I consider it a luxury, a few bucks save really helps me a lot these days. So today is the right time that I need to have a hair cut and I was tempted to have it done in Davids but on the second thought considering the tip and the cost I decided to go to a cheaper one. Like any other past hair cut experiences I had everytime the barber cut an inch of my hair I have these regrets that I should have gone to a salon instead. I have that moments when I am as scared as a turkey in America during thanksgiving. I don't know if I would look good or not. After the job was done I was so disappointed that I imagined my the barber being chopped into pieces. But I have to blame myself as well, anyway I only have this look for now after six weeks from now that would be another hair cut, I just hope it would be nice next time.

Book of the Month

I am still on track of my goals for 2009 and one of them is to read at least one novel every month and it has to be in English. Last month I've finished reading "The Devil Wears Prada." I so loved the movie that I've watched it several times just like how Justin from "Queer as Folk" would love to watched the "Yellow Submarine" according to her mother in that series but I am not really sure if that is really his favorite movie because there wasn't a single scene in the series that he is watching the movie. Anway I really loved "The Devil Wears Prada" from its movie and I even loved the book much than the movie. The book is more detailed and though there are a lot of changes already in the scene if I compare the movie to the book I still love it.

For this month I am supposed to settle for something that could twist my brain in order for me to understand the story and I am supposed to settle for "Hamlet" or the "the Merchant in Venice" by William Shakespeare but after going through some of its works I could say that my level of intellect with the English language (especially the language Shakespeare used is totally foreign to me which to me it has no difference with Latin) is way low at this time. So I settled into something that I could comprehend, something that I won't be having a hard time understanding it, something that speaks of a gay language, something ancient, something old. I once heard this novel about a friend of mine that her comments about this book is that it speaks about "alienation." On my way home I noticed this book was on sale for only Php 20.00. The title is "The Catcher in the Rye" by Salinger. I haven't finished reading the book yet, I am still on its tenth page however I have already read a lot fo "damn", "and all" statements compare to other books with five hundred pages. I couldn't feel a single thought of "alienation" on this book which my friend told me and I asked her about this and she said that it is because I have only read only a few pages of it.

I could say that the book is so gay, its like while I was reading the book someone behind me who is really so gay is telling this story or I could imagine someone doing the scenes in the book which keeps me interested. I also noticed that this is one of Jay Brannan's favorite book, well I guess I should love reading it then.

why?

I went today to the National Redcross today to donate some of my evil blood that has been circulating in my veins and blood vessels eons of times ago. I already inquired about how to donate blood yesterday and they have already checked that I can donate. I am worried at first because the minimum weight required is at least 110 pounds and I only weigh 104 pounds. So after a restful sleep last night I went to the National Redcross and filled out some of their questions which one really caught my attention that at first it made me laugh and later on the day I feel humiliated and remorseful of the past decisions I have made in my life. You just have to answer the question but encircling "yes" or "no". One of the questions that struct me is " Have you had any homosexual activities." I laughed at this question first thinking of how I had done the act with someone less than a week ago. Then I lied and encircled "No" thinking that they would examine my blood anyway so I don't really have to be that scared. After that they have drained my body with blood and images I've seen on television keeps playing in my mind. One where people said that they saw stars after and followed by "some" severe vomiting. To my disappointment I didn't feel anything at all, it's like just the same and nothing happened except on the part of my arm where they inserted a very big needle to get blood out of my body. So after that I went to the mall and check some digital players for the audiobooks that I have downloaded which to my disgust again the drive where I saved it got corrupted and I have to download again these files this morning. I still can't stop thinking why is it that in some countries gays are not allowed to donate a blood. I remember watching "Queer as Folks" during that episode when Brian was not allowed to donate a blood, maybe I am just ignorant of the risks of homosexual relationship that is why I feel discriminated. A friend of mine said that anything that looks like an injection which has been inserted to your body can bring a disease and added that they even won't let you donate a blood if you had a tooth extraction within a year how much more if what gets in to you is a bigger injection, and I can't help but agree.

Nosebleed

In my effort to enhance my grammar in English I tried to read Shakepeare's Hamlet, I really had a hard time understanding the text and I never thought that this kind of language even exist. I can read the words but nothing is coming into my mind and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I am wondering if this is the same Hamlet that the scholars are reading and how come they are able to understand the works of Shakespeare. While reading it, I remember what my teacher said before about the movie "apocalypto" that they used a dead language. Maybe this is what a dead language is because I couldn't understand it.

Once when I was chatting in mirc someone said that by reading Shakespeare I would learn a lot, well I don't and I am wondering why. So instead of going to Shakespeare I decided to settle with "the catcher in the rye" and I also downloaded an audiobook of Jane Austen's Emma.

My Goals for 2009

My Goals for 2009

I decided to have a list of goals for this year. I have noticed that in the past I keep on buying notebooks and pens because I really loved to write but the moment I have them I am no longer interested in writing. Several plans have been wasted and some are even forgotten which I can no longer remember them today so I decided to keep a list of the things I want to accomplish this year and to motivate myself I decided to put a reward for every month that I accomplish almost 90 percent of the things on my list.

Here are some of the things I have in my list:

1.) To write at least one blog entry every week.
2.) Learn Spanish.
3.) Enroll in a yoga class.
4.) Look for a part-time job.
5.) Jog at least once a week.

I have twenty-two things listed and I am not sure if I would be able to accomplish all of these things. I really have second thoughts before if I would have to learn Spanish because I have room mate before and he said that his sister who is now in USA doesn't want her children to watch Dora the Explorer because they would learn Spanish. The language that I really want to learn is French however someone told me that if you want to learn French that I have to study Spanish first and learning French will just be a breeze. Hopefully she was right. I will start learning Spanish next month. I included in my last for the month of February that I should be able to write one sentence in Spanish.

Getting Real

I stumbled upon this blog which feature this movie "Get Real", a gay movie with a sad but very inspiring ending for me. I still don't know how to add pictures and movie clips to this blog but I will learn soon. I've been busy adding blogs that I would follow it is really very surprising how ideas of various person can be read and viewed online. There are some blogs that the last post seems to be eons of times ago. Then I stumble to this blog that feature this movie and I read the story on wiki. The movie was released on 1998 and how cam I haven't heard of it? Anyway I was still young at that time and all I care is about school and home. I don't I might add this to my list of movies that I would watch in youtube I just hope that someone with a good soul has uploaded the entire movie.