stalked

I haven't updated my blog for several days. I have a co-worker who said that he and his friend have been following my blog. I can't look at him straight in the face. I asked him how he was able to get the link of my blog. He just smiled.

This is the only place where I have been real to myself. I have never been this real to anyone except to this blog. I want to keep this blog private but I want an audience. I have been seeking for attention. I craved to be appreciated, to be loved. I craved for things that I can't bluntly tell the world that I want these things.

I can't be that honest to someone. I can't be so honest to myself. There are things that I wanted that I am ashamed of for wanting them. These are desires that I try to hide.

feels like heaven

I keep on wondering before of where is heaven when I was young. Until now I still wonder of where is heaven. There are events in my life that I somehow lifter my spirit up and makes me wonder if I were in heaven already.

Some of those I can still remember just like this one. After seeing this video I wonder if whether I am in heaven already.

It has been years already since I first saw this video. Even though the feeling is still there like the first time I saw it. It brings back the memories when I was still in high school.

Upgrade!

Finally I have my facebook account. Amazing! I am so proud of myself. I have my own farm town too. I am still learning about it. Most of my colleagues here are addicted to it and so I have created an account too. When I was chatting with this guy a week ago he asked me if I have farmtown and I didn't have a single clue what he was talking about.

I feel so ancient and so lost that I haven't even opened my friendster account. And now its time for me to upgrade and be "in." I am planning to learn online gaming too next week if I still have time. Gawd. I don't know how I can fit in all of these things. I have to learn Spanish this time and still has a book to finish and work and farmtown.

Anyway most of the guys that I met are online gamers. They always talked about the games that they played online and I don't have any idea it. I'm gonna be busy harvesting my goods. Is anyone here addicted with facebook?

culture

My professor said that culture is a redefined taste. My friend wiki said that it is commonly used in three basic sense and one of them is excellence in taste of fine arts and humanities. If I were to evaluate myself I couldn't say that I have an excellence in taste of fine arts. I just remembered my plans in life yesterday that I have long forgotten to improve myself. I still haven't finished reading Jane Hamilton's The Short History of A Prince. I promised to myself that I am going to listen to Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart and Tsaichovsky. But everytime I went to buy one and I look at the price I decided that I will just have to download their it on the internet but I haven't done that either.

I love listening to the Lisa Gerrard which my friend laughed when they learned about it. I find her music very wonderful like dieties in the midnight from some kind of a fairy tale offering great comfort.

I wanted to learn how to make paintings like Picasso but everytime I look at his paintings I couldn't understand. I am pretty sure that I get bored if I go to a museum. The photos of Ian Veneracion and Michael Vartan are far more interesting to me compared to the Mona Lisa. But I still dream that one day I can look at a painting and I would be able to understand it. I dream that I can look into a painting one day and I can feel the drama, the thought and the meaning behind it. I just don't know how to do it and where to start when I find them uninteresting and boring. I still dream that I would be able to learn how to paint and draw. I will find a lover then of same interest. We would to the beach and capture the sunset and the sunrise and make love.

I also want to learn how to play musical instruments. Like the guitar and the piano. I want to learn how to play the piano far more beautiful than Maksim, be able to play the violin with far excellence compared to Vannessa Mae. How I wish that I could play Giuseppe Tartini's Devil Trill without those cramps.

How I wish I have this thing they called high culture.

wise men says

In the game of love shall we listen to the wise men who said that "only fools rush in" or to David Pomeranz? I am still in doubt if I have to believe the wise men when the words of David sounds more convincing to me. "Pity those who wait, trust in love to faith, finding out too late that they've lost it."

I am not pretty sure if I can go slow when I'm in love. With my heart pumping so fast than its usual pace. With all the excitement I feel within. I just don't know how to slow down. I am not pretty sure is he is the right guy already, but is the Mr. right now. I can't even tell if I'm in love. How will I know if I am in love anyway?

People said that you can't write anything about love when you are in love. There is something mysterious about it that can't be explain. All that is in your head is that someone that you love.

I am just confused right now if I should believe with the wise men. But what if I take it slow and then I lost it? I believe that time can change our feelings and that includes love. Its either time can make it stronger or makes it weak until you just wake up one day and its gone. You wake up one day and come to realize if you have wasted that time or not.

Gaydar

My gaydar is totally wrecked. I don't know what is wrong with it but its not working anymore. How I wish I could fix it by just turning some knobs or pulling my hair but it won't.

Let me tell why I have this dilemma and please do help me figure out if this guy is gay or not. So, here's this guy, a straight acting guy. He was part of a cheer leading team, he smokes, drinks a lot and I don't think he plays basketball. I am not even pretty sure if he can defeat me if we play basketball, he's taller than me. He knows who is the boyfriend of that some gay colleague, he loves Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Natasha Bedingfield but he hates Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. He loves to wear tight clothes or are those what you call body fit? I think those are body fit, I'm not sure. He doesn't have a girlfriend but his hot.

He said that he don't have my number, fine, I believe him. I was just shocked one day when he called me and I asked him what he wanted and he keep on talking about things which are totally nonsense. Then I asked him again and he said that he wants to borrow money from me and when I asked how much I become more suspicious, it was for Php 100.00. Who is in the right mind would call someone and spends a lot on cellphone credits/load just to borrow Php100.00? I might be insane but I am not gonna do such a thing. I can just send a text message. Then he paid me the next day. Hmmm.

Then today I received a message from him that he was bored and he was watching some kind of a movie and asking me if I want to join him. I think his going crazy. I don't know why. I see him as a guy who is confused of something. I think he wants to say something to me but he just can't. I asked him and his housemate and he doesn't have any idea either. His housemate mentioned though that he keeps on talking about my name. I asked about what and he didn't answer any further.

I am confused if he is gay or not. I want to asked him directly but surely he would say no. His hot and is a nice person. Do you think his gay?

I missed the guy

I slept with someone last night. He is a serious kind of guy. He is cute, lean and the height is just average. Though I didn't feel any spark. I thought it was just in movies that you want to sleep with someone that would light all your circuits. It was just a one night stand but I still love it if there was a spark.

I miss the guy that I hooked up with last week. I want to send him a message but I am scared or maybe ashamed or maybe its my pride. I don't know. I just don't want to go after him and tell him that I like him. It was just supposed to be a no-strings-attached affair and I don't know what is this that I am feeling. He was great of course, the sex part was good, we have tried several positions. I just love it.

Was there a point in your life when you have a one night stand with someone and then you still think about that person after several days already? I couldn't even figure out if this is love or just pure lust that I am feeling towards him. I checked his friendster almost every time. I keep on thinking of what he is doing right now.

Money, money, money!

I have decided to get just a one day off for this week. From what had happened last week I look forward on my day off for this week. However, I have decided just to get a one day off for this week and spend the rest working.

School is about to begin and I have to save money for my tuition fees. I am thinking of other ways to earn money. I am planning to start a business and I just don't know what kind of business to start. I've been thinking a lot about how to earn money these days. I planned to join a mutual fund but a friend advised me about the risk of mutual funds so I might just have a time deposit. It would earn some interest too and the rate is higher compared to regular deposits and its safer. But if I don't take the risk then I won't earn much too but I am just new about and I still have to learn a lot.

I am planning to invest just a few parts of my savings into a mutual fund this would help me learn about the trade too. I still consider experience as a great teacher.

state of confusion

I don't know why life is doing this to me. I am in a situation right now where in every decision would greatly impact my life. I am in this state where in whatever my decisions would be will greatly affect my life and it might take years to heal the wounds if I didn't make the right choice. But I love being in this situation. I mean I feel that I am someone important to other people too. That kind of feeling that you have a problem yet you are happy because you have this kind of problem. I am also confused if this is a problem or the solution itself.

I received a phone call yesterday from my colleague who is Pup's housemate. I have moved on already, I think. I don't have any feelings towards him anymore and I was thankful that I was able to forget that feeling. It took me a month to get over with him. A month before I could say that I am ready and that I have moved on. When things are going smoothly in my life then he comes in again. We never text each other for a month and I still haven't received any text from him. Yesterday when I answered the phone since I have deleted his number and his house mate's number I have to asked of who was the caller. It was my housemate first then he gave the phone to Pup. I don't know what it is that he really wanted but we just talked about things. I never bother asking him if I hurt when with my last text and if that was the reason why the our communication stop. I don't have the courage to ask him that question. I don't have the courage to admit to myself that the reason why we never made it is because of me.

As far as I can remember I loved him. I also wanted him to be my boyfriend but I can't accept to myself that I loved him. I hate to admit to people that I love this guy. After a month when our communication with each other was cut and I had moved on was when he was trying to reach out again. I am confused if I would respond to this inner desire of mine or to continue living life now that I have move on. I don't know if I would get hurt again or if I would feel the same. I am just scared right now to welcome him back in my life now that I have learned already on how to live it without him. I should be sad with this but I feel happy. I feel that I am still part of his life and that he still wants to continue what we have started.

The last time I remember that I was really important to someone and that he loved me was when I don't want to answer any phone calls and my phone read 96 missed calls in just one day. It was all from the same guy and he was trying to reach me. I feel so stupid right now of not answering his calls, of letting him go. And now here it comes again. And now I am back on almost the same situation again. I am scared of what will be my decision and its outcome.

walls within us

This is what I observed when two PLU's meet on the street or a place where there are straight people around - we never talked. No smile, no nod, nothing. Yet we cry for unity, we long for friends or a lover, a partner in life, yet we can't dare show it in public. We can't show that we are alone and are afraid to reveal the real us within. I am guilty of this too. I walked out in the street pretending that I am happy, that I am like a steel yet I cried at night for I am alone. I pretended that I can stand alone. That I don't need a man, I don't need someone in life yet it is what I long for and what I have been dreaming almost everyday.

I would always observed this even if two effeminate gays would be in one place that they would seldom smile to each other or not smile at all. Sometimes they often even quarrel in public. Even if its for those who are discreet, they seem to show that they hated each other.

This might me part of our culture that we seldom smile to each other. It has never been our custom to smile to strangers. We Filipinos take pride for being hospitable but we are not friendly. I think the root of our poverty is not corruption. Corruption is the fruit of our evil desires to be better than anyone else. We want to have friends in high places, yet when they become far better than us, we betray them.

choices

I don't feel sad today or lonely. I am thinking that it must be because of my recent sexcapades. I feel that its benefits far exceeds of what green tea can offer or a dark chocolate. It really feels nice that someone appreciates your body. It must be a craving within myself that I am trying to deny. I am trying to repress or control. Maybe it was because of how others look at same sex or homosexual activity that made me think that its not good. Sometimes your moral standards are affected by your environment and all the people that surrounds you. After having that experience that I didn't care what other people say, I just did it.

After doing it, I didn't feel guilty though. I feel that I am more in control of myself. I feel that being happy is my sole responsibility. That anytime I can laugh, cry or have sex and I don't care what others would say. People may judge my actions as immoral, insane or others say that my soul is going to be burn in hell, I don't care. And besides, if people like them is the one that I will meet in heaven, hell must be better than heaven. If they believe that following the morals of the society can save their soul then why are they here? Why don't they just go to heaven then and live there and leave this place? I can't imagine that heaven is full of those hypocrites. Full of people acting that they are clean and holy. People believing that following the what was written in the Bible is far better than following your own happiness. I have read the Bible several times, its like reading a story about the Holocaust. It has no idea about human suffering, the craving of every human beings.

Sometimes I am thinking that these cravings might be the demons inside my body. Demons that are trying to possess and control myself. For me both choices can be right and wrong at times, depending on how I look at it. Sometimes I am confuse of which is to believe or which choice shall I make. I am sometimes confuse if whether I have to give in and find happiness or to control it and declare myself victorious for not giving in.

ouch!

I did guys, I'm sorry. I got stinky, wet and dirty. I met this guy who is 5'6" in height and about 125 lbs, not bad. He is a masseur, cute and a skater boy body type. Not really those skinny skater boys but try to imagine a skinny skater boy going to the gym. He is 20 years old but I am not pretty sure, I guess 21. Anyway he said that its not gonna be painful. He looks so convincing and I am so horny at that time that I said "yes." This would be like the fourth guy for two tonight in a row. But of course this would be the second guy in my attempt to have this doggie style. I forgot his name.

The moment he get in was really very painful. He paused for a minute and said that the pain will soon disappear, I waited. The moment he tried to move again I can really feel the pain. It was really so painful that I sweat a lot. I thought before that being a woman is so easy because you just have to lie down and spread your legs but it wasn't. For me, it became more of a duty than pleasure. I didn't even feel any pleasure at all while we were doing it.

We used a lot of lubricants, which I could say is far more effective than a 1000mg of mefenamic acid against pain during that time. I would even say that its far more effective than Alaxan against pain. During that time I would say that condom should in included in the worlds top 10 best inventions.

watta wikend

I hope this week would be over soon. This week is such a disaster. I have dated a guy at a wrong place at a wrong time. I couldn't say that I have made a very strong impression at him. How I wish I can turn back time and correct the mistakes I've made. Anyway, I have learned a lot of things this week.

First, I have learned that being a bottom takes more than courage than being top. I hookep up with this guy who is 21 years of age. I don't want to hook up with someone older than me, I have heard a lot of comments here than being bottom takes a lot of courage. It does, let me tell you. First is the unbearable pain. Gawd. I felt so sorry with that guy. We didn't even made it. The moment he was about to get in, I can't bear with the pain, its like I have a constipation or something. It was like the first time I have felt a pain like that. Not a wonderful feeling though. When I gave him my first ever oral, he said that I didn't know how to do it. Gawd. What a comment. I don't know what he had said such a word that I don't know how to give an oral. Anyway I saw on his face that he was somewhat in pain while I was doing it. I just wonder why I didnt feel the same when others do it to me. I just love it when they do it and why is it that I can't feel the same?

Second, dining etiquette. I have dated another guy this week. I felt awkward while eating. I can't even remember which hand is supposed to hold the knife and the fork. It was not a fine dining though but if someone is there, it was such a disaster. I don't know if I have made a good impression but I haven't heard from him after that.

Third. I have this another guy (yes, another guy!) and we went to this comedy bar. I didn't have much fun. He has to go home early. Gawd.

Whatta week. I was almost there with this cute guy and I fucked it up. I was almost there with this nice guy and having dinner and I fucked it up. I was there with this guy and I didn't even know the word "fun."

Nuclear Power Plant

"Should the Bataan Nuclear Power Plant be recommissioned?," asked Solita Monsod. I have a subject before in college, it was all about statistics. There is a marginal error for every study, is all that I can remember. Even though, a lot of people depends on statistics. Statistics can guide us in order to prevent or avoid common errors. From businessmen to politicians before they make decisions they have to look carefully into the data provided to them to make sure that they result of their actions are favorable.

If we are going to compare the rate of electricity that we are paying to other countries ours is a little bit high. Statistics can show that. I am not sure if the media is still talking about this issue today. I watched this video way back in March, I think. While Greenpeace prepare for a rally and others don't care. After watching the video my stand about the issue has changed. I think I should have do more research before I take my stand about this issue.

This is the some of the information I get while watching the video of Prof. Solita Monsod.

1.) BNPP may produce Php2.50/kwh vs. Napocor's Php4.50/kwh.

2.) The nearest active fault from BNPP is 65 km away and the safest distance should be 5 km.

3.) The distance from the nearest volcano should be at least 6 times the height of the volcano and that is Mt. Natib with a height of 1253 meters, multiplied by 6 is 7 kilometers and BNPP is 13km away.

4.) Japan has 55 operating nuclear plants and 2 plants under construction and 11 plants in advance stages. France is another example too, it is where Germany and some other European countries get their power supply.

5.) Global safety of nuclear power plants:

accidents between 1970 - 1992:

a. coal = 6400 workers

b. natural gas = 1200 workers and public

c. hydro = 4,000 public

d. nuclear = 31 workers

She added that there have been 2 major accidents to nuclear power plants in 32 countries. In 1979 the Three Mile Island no casualties and Chernobyl which is found in the soviet bloc.

In my opinion, we have spent for this plant already. Years before I was born and someone of us are born, we are already paying for this. The government completed paying for this project in April 2007, source is wikipedia. As long as the plant passes the safety standards I am not against its operation, just like Prof. Solita Monsod.

I don't know, I'm not really an expert about this issue. But I'd rather look into the figures and stats rather than take counsel on my fears.

link for the video can be found at :

http://www.alternat1ve.com/biofuel/2009/03/24/solita-monsods-analysis-of-the-bataan-nuclear-power/

day off!

Just a few more hours and I'll be out from here. I am planning to head somewhere in the south tomorrow. I have read in an online forum about a sort of a resort somewhere in the south which is just about two hours from the city. I am planning to spend the night there. Hopefully this would help clear my mind. I don't know if this would really help me, but I am hoping that it will.

It seems that I am tired of the routine that I have been doing almost everyday. Work, home, school, work and home. I can't even figure out what direction is my life heading to. I feel that I wanted something, yet I don't know what it is. Maybe I know what it is, I just don't want to admit. Maybe because of pride or my insecurities. I don't want to accept that I love this guy and I let him go. And I go out into the world and let pretended that I am happy that it is easy for me to find another one. What they didn't know is that I cried almost everyday. I cried because he was able to moved on and I was left. I cried because I wasn't able to tell him how much I love him. I don't know if I am grieving right now for this loss.

I am planning to buy a jar, just like what I saw on movies. You are going to write down everything that you wish to forget then you either burn them or bury them. I hope this would help me for this declaration that I am willing to move on and that I have to. I don't want to be stuck in here forever. When I search within myself asking what is it that I really long for, I couldn't figure it out. I don't know what is it that I wanted. Attention, love, money, or simply a feeling of contentment of what I have. I don't exactly know right now.

I want this feeling to be over. This feeling which I know that this has been inside me even before I met this guy. This feeling that I wanted to be love by someone and be appreciated. A feeling so ancient within myself yet remained a mystery and unresolved.

fast lane

Every time I want to do something, I want them done as fast as I can. I dream of things and I want to have them without a length of time waiting. I always wanted to achieve things fast.

If I compare what I have achieved in life with my colleagues, my achievements is nothing compared to theirs. They have done great things as how I see it. It seems that they have overtaken me. I feel that they are so distant from where I am.

I want them to stay with me. Stay with me, where I am, and achieve things together. However, they have achieve things before I even knew it. I feel like I am stranded, unable to move and is so distant from the others. I felt envious of how fast they have moved. They have already finished their Bachelor degrees while I am still studying and stuck. Others have their new boyfriends already and I am still alone.

It sounds selfish but how I wish they never achieved those things in life. How I wish that they are still where I am at. I feel so alone and so little about myself. I know that its not good to compare myself to others but I can't help it. When I look into the mirror, I can see my self as a failure.

Mum

I've heard a lot of stories from people about their mother and today it seems that the number of people has been doubled. Stories of how good their mother was to them. I felt sad while hearing their stories. Sad and envious. Sometimes it even made me furious of why they have such wonderful mothers that guided them when they grow up, someone that has helped them in many other ways.

Until now I still have doubts of whether the person I knew as my mother is really my real mother. I have known stories and seen them of how mothers love their children which I haven't experienced. The only time, I remember that I was happy together with my mother was when we are on our way to our farm. She said that we will have a race of who runs faster. I ran so fast with all my might. It was one of the things that I can remember that I was happy with mother. It was the time that I felt that I am her son. I have to stop running at that time because my feet were tired and I have exhausted all my strength. I was laughing, we were laughing. How I wish I had more strength at that time so that I can stretch that moment in my life when I was happy with my mother. How I wish I had the strength to keep on running and be with her. But I can't, she left me.

I have managed to face life without a mother for several years now but I still wish that I can turn back time and live another life with a mother. They said that one shouldn't miss one that never had. But I miss having a mother even if I had that experienced for a short time only, I still want to have one. I don't know if I would have a life like this if I had a mother. Someone that will help me make wiser decisions.

Happy Mother's Day

A mother's love to some is considered to be the greatest love of all. Mothers are amazing persons to others. They can are amazing in making mostly all things portable. They can even bring the entire house if they want to. Our church pastor believe that every mother should be respected by their children. That was the last sermon in that church that I can remember. After that I decided of not going back there. I believe that respect is earned and is never demanded. Earning respect is not just giving birth to a child.

Tomorrow is a day that most people would send gifts and love to their mothers. I don't have any plans of doing that. When we had a conversation over the phone, I called to check for my grandmother and she was the one who answer it. She said that it was a good thing that I was still able to remember her. How could I forget her? After all the reason why I am here and all the pains that I am carrying now is because of her.

I hope this entry would reach to the mothers around the world. A few of them maybe, that is good enough. They have played a great role in this world. Tomorrow is a day dedicated to these wonderful people. This is for all the mothers who have abandoned their children. For all the mothers who had broken a lot of homes. To all the mothers who has brought pain, suffering and war to this world. Tomorrow is a day dedicated to them. I hope they'll like it.

I just wonder how these people can look straight into the eyes of their children. Haven't they known that they are part and somehow could be the reason why children suffer?

new tenant

I am almost done transferring my things to my new place. I felt sad that I am going to leave this place but due to financial reasons, I have to. I would surely miss my friendly neighbors who are always there to prepare for my food, McDonalds and Jollibee. I will surely miss them. Anyway, I have planned to sleep for the last time in my old place. As I opened the room, the familiar scent filled my nostrils. I don't really like the smell of the room at first but later on I get used to it. I wonder who will be the new tenant in this place. I decided to wrote a letter, just like in the movie Lakehouse.

My letter needs a lot of editing, I supposed. Please help me to correct it. I have placed a written one already but I am planning of changing it. What if the next tenant is an English teacher? He might file a lawsuit or my letter can be used as a bad example in class. I'm having nightmares, just thinking about it.

Below is my letter.

Dear new tenant,

Hi there, welcome to your new place. I wish I could be the first one to welcome you and not the foul smell of the room but I can't. I hope you like this place. I didn't like it here at first. The foul smell, the rats, cockroaches and the room itself. But the place has a very strategic location from where I work and from my school too. If you are working at night and is usually sleeping by day you'll find great comfort in this room. Try turning off the lights and you'll be blinded by its total darkness. Aside from being dark the room is cold too. It is comfortable to sleep at noon even without an air conditioner or a fan. When it rains outside, you would hardly notice it.

I have left some of the magazines and a book for you to read. I place them on top of the closet together with this letter because the owner might get them. I seldom lock my doors yet nothing was stolen from me during my entire stay here. I don't know the names of the lodgers here, but the place is safe. The guy next to this room is a nursing student, the one in front of you is a girl with her boyfriend. As I leave the place the room before this is empty, the previous boarder left because the got laid-off from her job due to recession. I hardly talked to them, just a "hi" and "hello" sometimes. I don't even know their names, not even one of them. I have stayed here for a year. Most of the boarders here are nursing student, are you?

There is a library just near here, I used to go there when I don't have work. Most of the novels and books that I completed reading are there, I donated them there. There is a dunkin donuts here too, its open 24 hours and I used to study there at night. If you are looking for a laundry shop, there is a cheap I know. Just cross the street of the coffee shop then you'll find a pharmacy, turn left when you reach the next block, their rate is P28.00/kilo others are P30.00/kilo. There is a near water station here too where you can buy cheaper water to drink. They're selling it for P15.00 for a six liter container but if you befriend the attendant he'll give it to you for only P10.00.

Jollibee and McDonals are friendly neighbors. That is one great thing about this place. As long as you have the money, you'll never go hungry. That can serve as your motivation too, to work hard or even harder.

You might be wondering why I am writing this letter to you. You are right, I have seen it from Lake house starring Keannu Reeves. Is it true that he is gay? They said he is. If you happen to be a boy, I am free during Wednesday and Thursday. I go drinking sometimes. There is a bar just right across here, I go there sometimes, alone. If you are a girl, send my regards to your boyfriend or to your brother. But if you think you are a beautiful girl, I can go straight for you. I am not good looking but I have good taste for girls. So if we hit the bed it means that you are indeed beautiful, if not, then its all hearsay. Don't believe them or even your mother.

If you don't like the magazines and the book, please don't throw them away. Just keep it where it is, if you can. The next tenant might find it useful.

xoxo,
the previous tenant.

when the river run dry

Happiness is...

HAPPINESS is like a crystal,
Fair and exquisite and clear,
Broken in a million pieces,
Shattered, scattered far and near.
Now and then along life’s pathway,
Lo! some shining fragments fall;
But there are so many pieces
No one ever finds them all.

You may find a bit of beauty,
Or an honest share of wealth,
While another just beside you
Gathers honor, love or health.
Vain to choose or grasp unduly,
Broken is the perfect ball;
And there are so many pieces
No one ever finds them all.
Yet the wise as on they journey
Treasure every fragment clear,
Fit them as they may together,
Imaging the shattered sphere,
Learning ever to be thankful,
Though their share of it is small;
For it has so many pieces
No one ever finds them all.

PRISCILLA LEONARD

As I read this poem I came to wonder of what makes me happy. I sometimes asked myself if I wanted to be happy. I imagine happiness not as a crystal ball like Priscilla Leonard wrote about it but a river. A river that soon would run dry, a river that you don't know if drinking its water may soon poison your body or quench your thirst. Just like some rivers they are not clean and dirty, some offer cold water and can bring refreshment.

I have known other people who are scared of happiness too. Its not only me who is afraid of it then, I thought. Most of us have the same reason, after happiness usually comes sorrow. Every time there is something good that comes into my life, I tried to imagine something sad so that I cannot fully give in of what happiness offers. I sometimes is so scared that thinking that what will be the price that I have to pay for this kind of happiness. I believe that mostly everything has its price. What if that happiness is not for me and is meant for someone? What if I claimed something that is not mine? Or what if I get used to being happy and sooner the river run dry and has nothing left?

How gross!

I once asked myself if I am a normal person or not. I am confused. I sometimes asked them if they feel the same way and their answers are almost the same and mine is totally different. Just for example, I asked them if they have a crush towards their cousins or any member of the family. They said that they don't. I do. I mean not just like a sort of admiration, not just like how I feel towards Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Madonna. Something more than that. Something like how I feel towards Ian Veneracion, Daniel Radcliffe and those hunks in Hollywood, something like that. I dream that I can be with them in bed and make love to them. They don't think that this is normal, me too, I guess. I can't really say that this is not right. Well, I know that some people are not open about the idea or marriage within the family. I have a first degree cousin who got married to our second or third degree cousin, I am not sure. The marriage caused a stir in our little barangay. I know that not all people are open about this kind of thing. But I am. I guess because I like my cousins. I am not a good looking person and so are they.

I am free today. No work. I want to spend my entire day inside my room and just read some books. I joined in a chatroom and someone posted this video. I can't find the right words to describe if this is gross, insane or something. But I find the video disgusting. Its like I want to throw up. I want to commit suicide but definitely not this way. Not this kind of thing. I just want to puke right now. For those of who are interested this is the link http://www.1guy1cup.net . This video is not for the faint hearted. Gawd.

greatest love of all

I am scared to have a relationship. I don't like having commitments and my actions are guarded. I dream of having a boyfriend but when I think about the responsibilities and the commitments that you have to make, the idea of having one dies. I dream of being with someone, spending my live with that very special person. Waking up in bed together, dining out together. But how hard it is to find that person. Ever since, almost every time I went out with friends, I dream that I am with someone, someone that I dearly love. Almost everyday in my life has been dedicated of finding that someone to love.

There are days in my life when I am about to have a relationship. But I ran away from it when I learned the things that would be taken from me. I never have though of it that finding someone that you love would also mean that there are things that would be taken away from you. Several things. When I am in love with someone I felt that my actions were guarded, that I have to act my very best every time. I feel my moves are being watched every time.

It was just like days ago when I finally get free from my feelings with this person. I love the freedom. I don't know if other people feel the same way if the are in love or having a crush with someone. Its like I am unable to move freely. When I am in love of having a crush with someone, I dream to be with that person for about a week. After that I would try to look for something bad in him that could help me free myself from that feeling. I can't understand myself sometimes. I have been looking for love and when it comes my way I don't like it anymore. I am scared. I see love as a shackles. Its like a wall. Making me unable to move freely.

I love to watch this kind of movie for example yet I am afraid to tell him, he might not like it. I am afraid that I don't look cute and cuddly to him anymore. I wonder if it is love that I am scared of or I am just insecure.

I do not have a relationship with someone, right now. I don't know when I would have another one. I hope not yet. I don't think I am that prepared. I have been single for a long time that I adapted to it already. I am comfortable with my current status and I am afraid that if I am with someone I have to give up this comfort that I am feeling now. I don't think that love is worth it to be in exchanged for my comfort zone. Or that person is worth it in exchange. I am thinking that I have found love and that is loving myself. That could be the reason why sometimes I wish to die because I pitied my body so much or I love myself too much that I don't want to experience another pain. I want myself to live a life without any restrictions.

mothballs

The sky is clear here today from where I live. I get out of my room early to catch some sunshine. I felt so good as it gently touches my skin. As I passed by the row of houses, I smelled a faintest scent of mothballs in the air which reminds me of my grandparents house. I let my thoughts wallow with some memories that I can remember about that house. I imagined myself like I was in the middle of a lake fishing out words or memories that can help me remember the things I have done while I stayed there. I love the scent of that house, a mix of mothballs and some cheap perfume that smells like alcohol.

While remembering this, I want to go back to my room and curl up in bed. I just want to remember the things back of what I have done when I stayed in that house. I want to relive those things that had happened in my life. I feel like I wanted to reply my life when I was there. My memories of that house are mostly bad but I still miss that house. It is where I stayed and slept and felt the comfort of a home. That house served as my refuge when I don't want to go to the farm and pretended that I was sick. It is where I also spent most of my childhood mostly I stayed inside my room while children of my age were playing outside. I felt secured in that house. I felt that everything I need is just in there and that I don't have to get out, that I can live for a year or spend my entire life inside without going out. I used to think that it was the only place where I am the boss, I used to think that I am the owner of the place when I was still young.

I sometimes wants to buy mothballs and place them in my room and then sprinkle a bottle of alcohol. I sometimes wants to do that. I sometimes wants to be a child again, hide in the closet. I sometimes wish that I don't have to get out and everything I need is just inside my room or a house that I can call my own.

Summer, Interrupted

Since the day I was born, I have never been outside the country. I don't know how other people live their lives in another countries. Funny though I still couldn't understand much about this place. When I was in elementary my teacher told us that we have to season, dry and wet. I didn't fully understand it when I was, well even up to this date. When it rains then I would think that this is the rainy or wet season and after a few weeks of no rain then it is dry season. I never had an idea that it would take months for seasons to change until I reached grade six, that was when I have a subject about geography, I think. And so I learned that mostly it the country experiences severe rains during the month of June than any other months, that is according to books that I have read. I don't know if that was correct or not. I am not yet convince about what I have read.

When I was still young and working in my grandfather's farm, I remembered that time in May. My father is a strong believer about the "first" things. Like he said that he keep his first salary and didn't spend, his first shoe and everything. I wonder this might be the reason why he didn't in me, I have never been part of the "first." Like being first in the class or being first to learn and discover things. It's either I'm in the middle or the last. Sometimes I just watch as others breezed past. It was in May when he told me about taking a bath for the first rain in May. He said that it can cure illnesses and is healthy to the body. But after working that noon under the scorching heat of the sun, I doubt it can. People said that its not good if you take a bath after you are exposed to the heat of the sun for a long time. I used to believed in that. I noticed then that it never rained in that year for the whole month of April maybe that is where the author of the book that I have read based his or her opinion. I am pretty sure if the author of that book is alive today that he would edit the book. A lot has change, including the weather. I couldn't understand the weather of this country anymore.

I used to believe before that we only have to season in this country, its either hot or hotter. Now, it has changed. Like for the month of April this year for example, I couldn't count how many times it rained. It's like the June now, I would say. Even now it seems that the sky is always dark and is ready to pour waters any minute. If this is what they call the effects of global warming then I am dumber than I thought. I thought that global warming is about El Nino, drought, no rains for months until soil would crack. I watched Al Gore's video. It was about global warming. It features melted glaciers, lakes are now almost dry, it speaks of one thing - no water. But why is it that it almost rain here everyday? Are we still part of Earth? Do they include us in their study about global warming? I am so ignorant about these things.

I love mother nature, of course. But as what I have posted previously, I care more about humans. I didn't see anything bad about earth hour and movements to save the world. But if I were to choose between GreenPeace or visiting the orphanage, I would rather spend my time in the orphanage.

I haven't enjoyed much of my summer yet and it has ended already. It ended even before I noticed it. It ended without warning. Like watching a pirated dvd and in the middle part of the movie it suddenly stops. Its like reading a novel then in the climax of the story you notice that there are missing pages. Summer just ended too soon, without me saying proper good bye.

Blog!

I am back after a few days that I was like in a prolonged death status. Gosh, I have to read several blogs. I can't believe it, I have to read like 365 entries. I have been following several blogs. Some of them are about travel and such and such. It keeps me a live, knowing that there are other people out there trying to live too, and they are trying hard. Anyway after reading all this blogs its time too to sort out the mess that I have left. No wonder why people who are about to die usually clean their rooms and their house just in case they won't die yet they won't be spending the rest of their life cleaning it which basically is the error I have made. I didn't clean my room, so I have to clean it now.

I went to my school too to take my post test exam for Filipino. Gawd, why is it that I have to learn Tagalog when I am living in this geographical location where in this language is hated or only a few is using it? How ironic. I would say that it is Filipino because there are letters that were added and is different from Tagalog but the way I look at this language its just like those dresses that were made by designers and you just add something or change it then you would say that it is custom made, just like that. One reason why I don't like this subject is that I am not really good at it, not that I am good in other subjects anyway but I am not really good into this one.

I just realized today how wonderful blogging is. You can find your audience, people that will read your thoughts, criticize you and can even become your friends. I once posted my wish of exchanging emails with someone that would be able to help me correct my grammar. I realized that I don't even need to do that because I can just compose something like an email for everybody. True indeed that we don't have to go out and look for opportunity but to realize it when it shows. I am thankful since I am to find friends, well not that close but I know we are all working on it to know each and everyone here little by little.

breathing again

I have just proven how bad I am that even the gates of death wouldn't open for me, that bad. I just thought I was about to confront God and I was ready to spit on His but it was not Him, to my disappointment. If I was the dumbest person living on Earth today then next in my life would be my doctor. I just couldn't imagine that some of them spent years to study diseases and about the human body when her findings about my endless vomiting is a viral infection. Gawd! What is the use of those instruments and needless pricking that they have done if they couldn't figure out properly what has happened? Anyway I just found out that it is never good to die if I make a mess or my body makes a mess. I remembered that when I was vomiting already that they even shouted at me to clean up my mess. What if I have use a knife to cut the vein in my neck or to cut my wrist? Would they also let me clean it after I was declared dead? Amazing.

Anyway, I have to live life and no more Whitney Houston or Celine Dion music for the mean time and no more Gregorian and Enya. I have to live with Lady Gaga and Britney Spears for one week and hope it would make a difference. I also decided to stop reading autobiographies for the mean time, they make feel more sad. I don't know why even though I read about the life of people who are famous and is a source of inspiration to others I am saddened while reading about their lives.

I am still into Greek Mythology and I am about to finish reading about the Iliad but since this a new month, I have to start reading into a new book. I am hoping to read Norman Mailer's Ancient Evenings but after reading a few pages my low IQ could not comprehend what he is trying to say. I know it was about a mummy but the names are so hard for me to pronounce and I couldn't even remember them. And so I settled for Jane Hamilton's The Short History of a Prince. I like the synopsis it says... a story about a boy. Hmm, interesting. I should read more often about them.